If before this game I had told you that the Bears would gain 123 more yards than the Pack, kick 2 more FGs, punt 3 fewer times, have 2 WRs gain over 115 yards, and that A-A-Ron Rodgers would throw more incompletions than completions, after a fit of laughter, you would’ve called your bookie and put money on the Bears. And you would’ve been dumb NOT to. But as has been the case this entire season, it didn’t work out quite how it was supposed to. And so the jury is in on Adrian “4 Years And $36M” Amos, who fled first class to GB this off-season: he’s the smartest guy in the NFL right now, laughing all the way from the bank to the playoffs. And no, I’m not the least bit fucking bitter. But fuck him, and fuck the 2019 fucking Bears!
Playoff teams don’t give guys with the ball THIS much space
The Low Down
GB was only up 7-3 at the half, but they jumped out to a 21-3 lead halfway through the 3rd quarter. From that point on, though, the Bears gained over 250 yards on 45 plays over 6 drives. But it only led to 10 more points. Meanwhile, Discount Double-Check Rodgers didn’t complete a single pass in the last 21 minutes and 44 seconds, going 0 for 5 in that span. That’s 35% of the game, people! The Pack gained just 4 yards the rest of the way, punting on each of their final 5 drives. But it was enough to hold on against the “No Sense of Urgency, Not Even This Week” Bears.
Rodgers spent 1/3 of the game with his hands in his fanny pack…
and he STILL beat us!
We did keep it interesting, though, right up until the game’s final play. With 1 second remaining, we ran a chaotic “pass and pitch” razzle-dazzle that started with Trubisky receiving a pitch back from the initial receiver, Tarik “I’ve Lost My Mystique” Cohen, and ended with the Pack recovering a Jesper “Is This Horse Alive, Or Is This” Horsted fumble at their 2-yard line. We couldn’t even capitalize on a down day for Rodgers, who finished just 16 of 33 for 203 yards, 1 TD, and a 78.2 QBR – his 2nd worst game of the year. No, because Mitch ALSO had his 2nd worst game on the year, finishing 29 of 53 for 348 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs, and a 65.6 QBR. BTW, Mitch’s worst game this year? Week 1 against GB.
Hey Mitch, your contract is guaranteed through next year, right?
Doubtlook
So, this loss trips the Bears back to .500 at 7-7. The #3 Wild Card (Rams, 8-6) lost, which we desperately needed to happen. But the #2 WC (MIN, 10-4) won, putting them out of reach. And not that it matters, but PHI and TB (both 7-7) also snuck up and caught us from behind. And since PHI beat us, they took over the #4 spot via tie-breaker, leaving us tied for 5th with (gulp) TB. So, much like Jodi Arias’s lover shortly after she photographed him, the Bears’ playoff hopes this season are really, really, really dead. So, it’s time to look to the 2020 draft…
Brent “I Ate Keith” Urban fits the new Bears mold:
a jacked-up, tatted-out white boy. MAGA, bitches!
But with so few picks next year, our draft position is almost irrelevant. Can you remember a time when we didn’t have a 1st, 3rd or 4th round pick? We do have 2 picks in the 2nd round, ours and Oakland’s, but that means we have as many picks in the first 4 rounds dependent on Oakland’s draft spot as we do dependent on our own. And then we don’t pick again until the FITH ROUND! So the rest of this year’s games mean next to nothing. In fact, they mean so little that they’re probably the least meaningful games in our franchise’s history. So, Merry Fucking Christmas, and Happy Fucking New Year!
Akiem “I Turn My Tricks And Get My Kicks On Route 66” Hicks,
when asked in what round the Bears make their 3rd selection
Quotes of Note
Announcer, early in the 2nd quarter: “Mitch Trubisky trying to get this offense going, because right now they only have 14 total yards. Five tackles for a loss and a sack already.” ~ We’d run 12 plays at that point, and HALF of them lost yardage. Did anyone else suspect that maybe GB had access to our playbook?
Like a bag of burning shit on their door
step, GB just smothered the Bears out
Michael Strahan, in the Fox studio at the half, talking about some random player: “His depth perception was a little off.” ~ But he said it like this: “Hith dep perthepthion wath a little off.” Can someone please tell him to stick to words and phrases that he knows how to pronounce? Like thacking the quarterback.
It wasn’t all Mitch’s fault – the Pack D
was literally getting up his butt all day
Announcer, in the 4th quarter after our lone TD: “Give this Bears’ team credit, they looked like they were about to get blown out.” ~ Well, that statement sums up our season rather succinctly, don’t ya think?
Apparently, GB just wasn’t gonna pay a lot for that muffler…
BEAR DOWN!
#EvenAtheistsAreThankingGodTheBearsSeasonIsOver
© 2019
Bear Down Baffa 
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