Bear Down Baffa

You have to give it to the Bears – they really know how to keep things interesting.  Even when they win, they’ll make you cringe, squirm, and even consider changing the channel before they somehow reach around and pull a W from out of their butts.  And not only did they win in week 1 for the first time in 7 years (they started 3-0 under Trestman in 2013?!), but they did it on the back of the now-redeemed Mitch “Did Someone Say The Bitch Is Back?” Trubisky.  Sure, he didn’t show up until the 4th quarter, and we were down 17 points to the only franchise that could challenge the Cubs for their “Worst Ever” crown, but those are irrelevant details compared to one undeniable fact:  every single person in the city of Chicago is smiling under their masks today.  At least, that is, until next week.

This game-winning TD pass to Anthony “Lite Beer From”
Miller was only made possible by Mitch’s earlier ineptitude

The Low Down
It was still the 1st quarter when I first wondered if Mitch had contracted Covid because he was playing so poorly.  By halftime, I was kinda hoping he’d catch it in the locker room so he couldn’t come back out for the 2nd half.  And I wasn’t alone, because guess who was trending on Twitter at the half?  Nick “Hey You Guys, Just Letting You Know That I’m Loose And Warmed Up Over Here, Ya Know, In The Event That You Need Me Or Anything, I Mean, Don’t Get Me Wrong, I Love Mitch And He’s Doing Great And Stuff, But I’m Ready To Go Over Here, Ya Know, Just In Case” Foles.  But it wasn’t until the end of the 3rd quarter that I actually asked myself:  is there no limit to how badly the Bears will let a QB play before benching him?

These players aren’t protesting social injustice during the anthem –
they’re actually protesting Mitch taking the field to start the 2nd half

And with about 9 minutes left in the 4th, still trailing by 10, the Bears answered my question with an emphatic “No!”  On 2nd-and-8 at the Lion 38, with 2 chances to convert and put us in FG range, Mitch took a Delay of Game penalty.  And on the next play, he was sacked for an 18-yard loss, but not before he fumbled the ball back an additional 10 yards, sticking us with a 4TH-AND-41 from our own 29.  So, he moved his own team backwards a full third of the field (33 yards).  All by himself.  On just 2 plays.  AND THEY STILL KEPT HIM IN THE GAME!!  It was at that moment that I began to wonder if Mitch knows who killed Jeffrey Epstein, and maybe Matt “Hey, Mitch Won That QB Battle Strictly On Merit!” Nagy owes that killer some serious money.

When he wasn’t losing huge chunks of yardage, Mitch seemed to
be throwing no-look shuffle passes to random parts of the field

Even in the final minutes, after Mitch had already thrown 2 TDs, I was still checking the sideline to see if Foles was warming up for our final drive.  But despite every Bears fan I know calling for Mitch’s head on Facebook, Nagy stuck with him.  And whether it was because Nagy WANTED to, or because he HAD to, it really doesn’t matter.  Because Mitch then threw his 3rd TD in under 12 minutes, proving everyone but Nagy wrong.  Nagy is either a genius on a whole ‘nother level, or he’s the luckiest man on the face of the earth, and he’ll be unemployed by week 4.  Either way, it still kinda makes me wonder why Foles never even warmed up.  Maybe he just really stinks?  I’m anxious to see how this unfoles.

Mitch was so good in the 4th quarter, he had time to check his “mani”

New Mitch, or Same-Same Mitch?
In the first 3 quarters, Mitch was the same ol’ Mitch:  12 of 26 (46%) for 153 yards (5.8/att), 0 TDs, 0 INTS, and a 65.1 QBR.  It was pretty goddamned awful.  But then in the 4th, when it mattered most, he was 8 of 10 (80%) for 89 yards (8.9/att), 3 TDs, 0 INTs, and a 143.3 QBR.  That’s not just WAY better, it’s WAY more efficient (and WAY harder to believe, I might add).  Truby Tuesday spread the ball around, throwing passes to 11 different receivers.  He even targeted his TEs 9 times, though only 3 of those passes were caught.  And they were all caught by Jimmy “Likes Elaine” Graham in the 4th quarter.  And though Jimmy weirdly mis-timed his jumps on 2 early passes, he took responsibility for both after the game, and he rebounded by catching the Bear’s 1st TD of the season.

Jimmy to Mitch:  “Hey, Jimmy doesn’t like to jump.”

Outlook
We’re 1-0, undefeated, and in first place. That’s a good place to be no matter how you look at it.  Having said that…we did play so poorly that we trailed by 3 scores.  To the crappy Lions.  And their shitty coach Matt “Shatt” Patricia.  I mean, it’s not like it was GB, or Lombardi.  And we did catch some REALLY fortunate breaks.  Lion kicker Matt “Also Shatt” Prater missed a FG with 4 minutes left.  Then, after we cut the lead to 3 with 3 minutes left, Lion QB Matt “Jesus, Do They Have Anybody NOT Named Matt?!” Stafford threw a pick, giving us the ball back at the Detroit 37 just 20 seconds later.  It was a Cubs-like collapse.

Oh, the damage Patricia could do with a QB as shitty as Mitch…

And in Cub fashion, Detroit didn’t stop there.  They took things up a notch on our luckiest play of all when Lion rookie D’Andre “Finally, A Lion Not Named Matt!” Swift dropped the game-winning pass in the endzone with just 7 seconds left.  I mean, we technically lost this game, and then the ball fell from his hands.  So this win doesn’t put the Bears on the map or anything.  In fact, I now question whether or not we can beat any other NFL team.  But we do get to play Detroit again.  And it is nice to know that if we’re playing a shitty coach with a shitty team that makes shitty plays, we can put up 21 points in one quarter.  Even with a shitty QB of our own!

Apparently, D’Andre “Isn’t So” Swift with his hands.  Or the ball.

Quotes of Note
Nagy to Trubisky on the sideline at the 2-minute warning, right before Mitch’s 3rd TD:  “Dude, you’re gonna throw a friggin’ touchdown here!” ~ Yes, he actually said that.  I don’t know which is more surprising:  that Mitch completed that 27-yard pass, or that Nagy was able to get those words out while keeping a straight face.

Oh, so THAT’S how Nagy was able to hide his laughter!

Mitch, on coming back after playing poorly:  “At times like that, I find myself focusing on my teammates, the guys you grind with.  Our relationships run deep.  We lean on each other.” ~ Wait, did Mitch just come out as a gay?

Nagy, when told that Mitch just came out as “a gay”

Notes to Note
Don’t look now, but Cairo “Maybe We Don’t Need Eddy ‘70 Percent’ Pineiro After All” Santos made all 5 of his kicks on Sunday.  Hey, maybe we don’t need Eddy “70 Percent” Pineiro after all?

Uhm, someone left their child on the field in a full Bears uniform…

New “supposed” stud edge rusher Robert “Medicine Woman, Dr.” Quinn didn’t play due to an “ankle injury,” and we had zero pass rush because of it.  He better be back, and he better be back soon, because our pass rush is sorely lacking.

Who else thinks our pass rush needs some help?
Akiem does!

Perhaps related, perhaps not, but undrafted rookie OLB Ledarius “There’s No Such Thing As Too Many Macks” Mack was brought back to the team and signed to our practice squad.  Even if he doesn’t even suit up next week, I’m putting the over/under on Khalil sacks at 3.

Bears players, after being informed of Ledarius’s return

BEAR DOWN!

Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!

#EitherTheMitchIsBackOrHeKnowsWhoKilledEpstein
#JimmyCan’tJump
#Even2MacksMayNotBeEnough

© 2020

This entry was posted on Wed, Sep 16, 2020 at 11:15 am and is filed under a) NEW 2020 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.