Bear Down Baffa

As much as I want to be excited that the Bears won, and at 8-7 are now firmly in the playoff picture, I just can’t help but wince.  Sure, we just put together our second 3-game win-streak, which kind of nullifies our 6-game losing streak (no it doesn’t).  But after clawing our way back above .500 for the first time in 41 days, the Bears are still just 1-5 against teams with winning records.  That means that 7 of our wins have come against losing teams who’s combined records are just 30-75 (.286).  And yet we somehow control our fate:  if we win, we’re in.  But we have to beat GB, which we’ve only done 3 times in our last 20 tries (15%).  If we lose, we still get in if AZ loses too.  So just like the COVID vaccine, the Bears will get 2 shots to stay alive through this hoax of a season.

If the Bears only played teams with losing records,
we’d probably make the playoffs much more often

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So I guess our blog jumped the gun a bit on the Bear’s season being over.  You can’t really blame us, considering the Bear’s mid-season crisis and all.  Not to mention the fact that we’ve only beaten 1 decent team (TB), and we had to come back from double-digit deficits in 3 of our 7 wins.  But sure enough, we’ve come full circle.  After starting 5-1, then losing 6 straight, these numbskulls had the audacity to flip it AGAIN and win 2 in a row.  So now we’ve fallen so far in the draft, we might as well just make the playoffs.  But it’s not up to us any longer.  The Bears need help, and the one team that can save our season now is the Arizona Cardinals.  So we’re stuck in limbo for at least another week, as this thing could really go either way.  It’s like two roads diverging in the woods, and they both lead to nasty, public outhouses that’ve run out of toilet paper due to the pandemic.

So you’re saying the solution’s been in our backfield all along?!

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Leave it to Mitch and the Bears to wait until their season is virtually over to actually start playing.  It’s shocking that, despite our 6-game losing streak, this win puts us ahead of 7 NFC teams.  So we’re simultaneously playing for the draft (PFTD) while also fighting for a playoff spot (FFAPS).  It’s so confusing!  But before anyone gets excited about the Bears and the playoffs, nothing has changed.  We still suck.  It’s just that the Houstons suck way more.  They assigned their GM duties to head coach Bill O’Brien back in January.  And he made so many bad moves that by October, he got fired from both roles.  They’ve still won 4 games this year, but 2 were against the 1-12 Jags, and 1 was so shocking that it got the opposing coach, Detroit’s Matt Patricia, fired.  So don’t go thinking the Bears did anything Sunday other than blow a straw house down.  And hurt their draft position.

Texas’s O is so bad that our D scored on them (via
safety), so our O only had to score 6 points to win.

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For most of the 3 hours I spent watching the game Sunday, I was merely waiting around for Mitch to shit the bed.  And it took almost the whole game, but he finally came through.  With a 3-point lead in the final 2 minutes, he fumbled inside our own 10 yard-line.  Those of you still holding out for something other than a better draft position probably enjoyed most of the game, as we led for 56 minutes, but then you had your hearts ripped out, like that chef in “Dumb and Dumber.”  Meanwhile, savvy fans who’ve accepted that we’re now Playing For The Draft (PFTD) also enjoyed the game because the Bears never took a lead so big that we couldn’t blow it, and then we managed to blow it.  Sure, it’s now been 50 days since our last win, but in dropping our 6th in a row, we moved up at least 2 spots in next year’s draft.  And those of us on team PTFD still have our hearts intact.

Detroit may have won the war, but we won this battle:
K-Mack asks Stafford, “How you like THESE apples?!”
And to me it doesn’t look like Stafford likes those apples.

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The 2020 Chicago Bears are a joke.  A gif, like that monkey peeing into his own mouth.  But despite the hilarity, I’m not laughing.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  If I were to create a new gif to capture how I feel about the Bears, it would be a little boy sleeping under a Christmas tree full of presents next to a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.  And then Santa Claus and Jesus sneak in quietly and head for the tree.  As Santa holds his empty bag open, Jesus takes all the boy’s presents and puts them into the bag.  Then, as Jesus pours the milk over the boys head, waking him up, Santa kicks him square in the nuts, and yells, “Ho Ho Ho!”  And as they both trod out laughing hysterically, the boy’s parents come in, high five them and then pose for selfies as the boy sits soaked in milk – and confusion – cupping his balls, crying.  And he hasn’t even realized that he won’t get any presents yet.  How that boy will feel when he learns of this on Christmas morning – that’s how I feel about the 2020 Bears.

Christ, when is Rodgers going to die already?!

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