Bear Down Baffa

It’s all fun and games until your $15M kicker shits on the fan – and aims the fan at grandma.  Only Cody “Squi” Parkey could out-do his “4 posts on 4 kicks.”  This jackmo (who nobody liked BEFORE the season, I might add) hit not 1, but 2 posts on 1 kick!  It was an impressive feat in and of itself, but he achieved it in the playoffs, at the buzzer, and with the game in the balance.  We all saw it coming, and yet it was STILL epic!  You kind of have to give it up to him.  He then went on the Today Show and blamed it on Jesus, which took it to a whole new level.  Even Trump weighed in, tweeting: “OMFG, Parkey is a LOSER!  He did more damage than Hillary and Obama combined!  Somebody grab him by the pussy.  I can kick a 43-yard FG.  I kick the best FGs.  But don’t feel bad – all Bear fans are Democrats.  Also, as a reminder, Rosie O’Donnell is a pig.”

Squi trying to drop a literal deuce after his goalpost deuce

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The Bears won a real yawner on Sunday in a roller rink up in Minnesota.  It was a slow, bland, conservative game.  Kind of like the early-bird special at an old folks’ home.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that we won.  But It was almost like we weren’t even trying.  With nothing on the line, and the Bears heading to the playoffs, it was like a pre-season game.  Let’s call it a pre-post-season game.  And since we haven’t been to the playoffs in 8 years, it feels weird to win a throw-away game on the road with little effort, and be unmoved as a fan.  But that’s what we’ve all been waiting for, right?  To win so much that we get tired of it?  Well, it’s finally here.  And we have one person to thank for it.  #TrumpMadeAmericaGreatAgain!

See, most of the Bears are bored, and we just scored!

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It was so nice to NOT be playing SF for a higher spot in next year’s draft.  After splitting with the 49ers while doing that the last 2 years (and losing all those picks in the trade for Trubisky because of the win in 2016), this year we already forced ourselves into the bottom 12 picks by winning our division.  So the only thing on the line for us was a chance at a higher playoff seed.  And with SF already at 10 losses, and throwing a backup QB at us, the table was set.  But we played some backups of our own, so it wasn’t exactly a walk.  But we got the W, proving once again that the Bears are on Santa’s Nice list this year.  We’re now just 4 games away from Supa Bow, Supa Bears!

Backup Sherrick “Who’s My Favorite Bear? Jim”
McManis made the stop on the game’s final play.

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It took almost 8 years, but the Bears finally avenged our loss to A-A-Ron and GB in the NFC Championship game in January, 2011.  And we did it in epic fashion.  Yes, the Bears beat the Packers on Sunday for just the 3rd time in 16 tries since.  And not only did we knock GB out of playoff contention, but we clinched the division for the 1st time since that fateful 2010 season.  And as sweet revenge for GB’s largest 4th quarter comeback of all time in week 1 (when Kyle “My List Of Regrets Had Never Been” Fuller dropped a sure pick that would’ve sealed the game for us), we broke Rodgers’ record streak of consecutive passes without an INT at 402.  And we did it at the most critical moment in Rodgers’ season.  Where’s your fake “title belt” now, Rodgey!?

Is it me, or does he look like Fire Marshall Bill on this play?

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It’s not often that you get to play the #1 team in the NFL.  It’s even less common for you to look forward to that kind of action.  But it’s the most rare of occasions when you also happen to be on the up-and-come, and not only do you get the upset, but you dominate those mofo’s like the goalposts did Squi a few weeks ago, letting almost nothing through.  I’d be lying if I said the cold weather wasn’t a factor, but I’d also be lying if I said I cared.  They say that in order to BE the best, you have to BEAT the best.  Well, the Bears just did that.  It’s now our conch to lose.  And all I have to say about that is that we didn’t come here looking for trouble, but it looks like we’re down to Supa Bow Shuffle!

His doctor better have asked him to Goff in his postgame physical

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If you decided to stop sniffing glue this week, you picked the wrong week.  The Bears had fans on edge for a solid 3½ hours Sunday, as they were given a dozen second chances, but turned most of them down.  Both offenses had non-QBs throw TD passes, but both also 3-and-outed 4 times, and were otherwise an embarrassment to their respective cities.  The difference was that we started over-priced practice-squad QB Daniel “I Have Two First Names, And They’re Backwards” Chase, whose earnings per fumble is falling faster than Giraffe Neck Glennon’s did last year.  Despite his QBR besting Eli Manning’s (75.6 – 65.2), he threw 2 picks, and dropped the ball as many times as the FBI attempting to indict Hillary Clinton.  It took overtime for NY to seal it, which was a victory in and of itself with a backup QB, but I think we lose this one 100 times out of 100 with Mr. Chase.

Saquon Barkley made Adrian “Famous” Amos famous!

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You wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t told you it was going to happen.  The Bears just won their 5th straight, and their 3rd in just 12 days.  And this one was without Trubisky.  Boy, I bet Jay Cutler felt pretty shitty on Thursday night.  Not because he was thinking about our Indigenous peoples being robbed of their native land.  No, because he was out-played by a QB with just 1 TD pass in 9 years, and that nobody knows because he’s got 2 first names, and they’re backwards:  Chase “Doesn’t ‘Daniel Chase’ Sound Better?” Daniel.  That should tell you at least one thing about the Bears’ offense – it’s the scheme, not the personnel, that counts.  When asked if this was true, Taquan “The Kwan” Mizzell (another no-namer who scored his 1st career TD on Daniel Chase’s 2nd career TD pass) said:  “For shizzle my mizzell!”

Daniel Chase TRIPLED his career TD passes in 1 game –
which says more about our coach than it does about him.

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Well, the Bears did it.  With the division on the line, and everybody watching in prime time, they got ‘er done.  And with this win, they plant a “For Reals” sign on Roger Goodell’s front lawn after TP’ing his house.  Once again, we had an early, double-digit lead.  Once again, the defense scored.  And once again, Squi was perfect.  Just when you thought he couldn’t possibly be any worse, he goes and does something like this, and totally redeems himself!  It’s really happening, folks.  The Bears are firing on all pistons, the NFC North is looking up at us, and we’re riding a 4-game win-streak like Lance Armstrong’s good nut rode his bicycle seat through the French Alps – sweaty, alone, and nowhere to go but up.  Trump really is Making American Great Again!

Man, I bet those goalposts looked like redwoods out there

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It seems like every week in the NFL you see something you’ve never seen before.  And this week was no different.  The Bears earned their second 3-game win streak this year, and were absolutely dominant in every aspect of the game; that is, except for our kicking game.  We broke new ground there, with Cody “Squi” Parkey not only missing 4 kick attempts, but getting all 4 of them blocked by the goalposts.  If that’s not a record, it should be.  It was so bad, Coach Matt “When My Kicker Hits 4 Uprights, I Get Awfully” Nagy actually benched him – probably to put him out of his misery.  But the Bears padded their first place lead with yet another shellacking nonetheless.  Man, if we ever have our entire roster show up, we’ll be unbeatable.

Squi:  “If those damn poles weren’t in the way, I’d be money!”

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Well the Bears are certainly a different team than we’ve been for the last 5 years.  Winning by over 30 points (49-10) for our 2nd time in 5 weeks, we’re showing we can win on both sides of the ball.  And this one was without the “Captain And” Khalil Mack, which got me thinking.  With him on the field this year, we’re allowing 22.3 points a game.  But without him, it’s just 9.5.  People don’t seem to remember that we were a top-10 defense last year.  Instead of Mack being the best thing to happen to the Bears, it’s starting to look like the Bears are the best thing to happen to Mack.  Either way, if we had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.

It didn’t seem like our D really misses Mack

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Well that didn’t take long.  In a matter of 8 days, the Bears went from 1st to worst, and then back to 1st again.  And we did it without the “Captain And” Khalil Mack or our highest paid offensive player, Allen “Swiss Family” Robinson.  Their combined game checks totaled $2.4M, which means we paid $600k for each of their butt cheeks to warm our bench.  But the Bears led for 50 minutes, finished strong, and recaptured 1st place.  So it was money well spent.  And just like the cash the Clinton Foundation gives to protesters, it’s not our money!

Like a Mexican caravan, Truby is unskilled, highly paid, and
he refuses to be stopped before crossing the border to vote

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So much for those 6 TD passes 3 weeks ago.  The Troubador had arguably the worst game of his career Sunday, throwing 24 incompletions – half of which could’ve been picked off, and 2 that were.  Unless you count him as a RB, in which case he was the best player on the field, rushing for more than twice as many yards as anyone on either team (81 yards on 6 carries).  Unfortunately though, he’s paid to throw the ball.  And because we drafted him so high, unless he takes a trip to Istanbul and 15 Saudis with a bone saw kidnap him, he’s going to be our QB for at least 42 more games.  So we can only hope that this was just an off-day for him.

NE couldn’t stop Truby’s legs, but they really shut down his right arm

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Well, shit.  I was just getting used to winning.  But playing only 3 quarters caught up to the Bears again.  We started by scoring 38 fewer points in the 1st half than we did last week, and trailed 7-0 at halftime.  But then things got nucking futs, with a combined 52 points scored in the 2nd half.  The drama was like a good, old-fashioned sex scandal during the Supreme Court nomination process.  If only the Bears had the GOP’s secret weapon, Rachell Mitchell, we might’ve been able to stave off Miami’s attacks.  But just like Kavanaugh’s confirmation, this thing dragged on into extra time, and ended just like we all thought it would – with the home team winning by a small majority at the wire.  Man, losing sucks.  But I still like beer!

The lone difference between the 2 teams – their kicker didn’t miss

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That’s one small step for the Bears, one giant leap for Trubisky.  After all the chatter about our D carrying him, and the Monday Morning QBs saying he sucks, the Troubador finally clapped back.  With a McKayla Maroney face, he flashed double birds, and made everyone “STFU” by throwing SIX TD passes.  And he did it all in the first 34½ minutes.  He was aggressive, defiant, and relentless.  At one point, he even broke down in tears of hatred.  But he was unapologetic as he treated the TB defense like a Senate Committee interviewing him for a Supreme Court seat that he felt entitled to.  And like Brett Kavanaugh’s shot at a vote last week, the Trubes came up 1 shy of the NFL record.  But like Kavanaugh, he’s gonna get another shot in a week.

First Bear QB with 6 TD passes in a game since 1949

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Did I miss something?  Did we go back in time this weekend?  Tiger Woods won a golf tournament, Anita Hill is trending during a SCOTUS nomination, and the Bears are alone in 1st place.  Next you’ll tell me the president is white again!  And not only did the Bears just win 2 games in 6 days after going winless for 9½ months, but they came back from being down 14 in the 1st quarter for the first time since the “They are who we thought they were!” game in ’06!  After the way this season is playing out, it wouldn’t have surprised me if Urlacher had run out on the field, laid someone out, and took off his helmet to reveal a Brian Bosworth Mohawk!

Who needs Urlacher when you got “The Captain And” Khalil Mack?

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But that defense, though, right?!  After Monday night’s game, it’s clear that the Bears have become the Seahawks of 5 years ago.  They had a cheap QB, a fledgling short-game offense, and a menacing defense that ran as deep as Paul Manafort’s dirty bank accounts.  But after funneling all their cash to Russell Wilson (4 years – $88M), Seattle couldn’t afford to keep that D under wraps.  So now they’re like we were with Cutler at the end – too much coin to one guy who’s not delivering up to his pay grade.  And the Bears are where the Seahawks were in 2012 – about to reach 5 straight playoffs.  And though this was our first win since X-mas Eve, barring a pardon, it looks like Manafort could be watching the Bears win multiple Supa Bows from the slammer.

Khalil “Cuz I’m The Miggida Miggida Miggida Miggida Mack Daddy,
The Miggida Miggida Miggida Miggida” Mack

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So much for the spending spree this off-season.  I don’t think anyone on the planet would’ve predicted the Bears would head up to Lambeau, knock A-A-Ron out early, take a 17-point lead into the 4th, and then blow it after Rodgers returned, and lose by a point.  If you’d have run a million computer simulations, none would’ve come out like this.  I don’t think Bear fans would’ve minded if we came back late but came up just short.  But to lose like this – it doesn’t even make sense.  I mean, how were the Packers down 20 points to the Bears?!

Kyle “My Drawer Of Burned Jockstraps Has Never Been” Fuller –
who just signed an extension for 4 years and $56M

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I can’t lie; my Bear’s erection is more robust today than it’s been since 2009 – the last time we traded 2 first-rounders for a star in his prime.  But the latter star is a superstar, a leader with a positive attitude – the exact opposite of the former (Kristin “Very” Cavallari’s husband).  And I’m so excited, I want to run down to Soldierz and “pull a Louis CK” at mid-field!  After trading for “The Captain And” Khalil Mack, the rebuild is now complete.  Sure, it took 5 years (and 53 losses), but we’ve finally got everything we need.  And after emptying our coffers, and trading away our draft future, what we’ve got now is all we’re gonna get.  But it’s enough to make a run at the Lombardi.  And I don’t mean sometime soon – I mean NOW!

Elvis has entered the building

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