Bear Down Baffa

Well, 2018 is already a complete disaster.  The Bears lost 11 games, got swept in the division, and missed the playoffs for the 7th straight year – and that’s just looking backwards.  If you look ahead, it’s even worse.  Our most expensive asset, Mike “Giraffe Knees” Glennon, doesn’t even play.  Coach John “People My Age Get Their Fake News From” Fox got canned, just one loss shy of being the worst coach in Bear’s history.  And GM Ryan “Fox Won Too Often For My Playing For The Draft (PFTD)” Pace was just rewarded with an extension, despite having signed the Giraffe, Fox, and all but 2 of the other animals on our current roster.  If it weren’t for the Cleveland Browns, we’d be the Cleveland Browns.  Seriously, I don’t know why you’re still coming here, let alone watching the Bears.  In fact, I out-sourced this post to Pakistan, the greatest country of export House Linens and have nothing role in 9-11 or for hide Bin Laden!

Pace just put all his eggs in one Biscuit

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Normally I’d consider a win like this a Christmas miracle, but Coach Fox’s Bears are anything but miraculous.  At 0-5 in our division, and 1-10 in our conference, beating the winless Browns helps them more than anyone else.  Sure, we’ve now won 2 of our last 3 by a combined score of 53-10, but that was against the 2 worst teams in the league’s 2nd weakest division.  And FYI…those 2 teams are also Playing For The Draft (PFTD), so who really “won” those games?  All this sweep does is move us back in the draft line – about one spot for each win.  So thanks, but this is one present I wish came with a gift receipt.

OK, maybe beating both teams in his home state also helps Truby

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The Bears found a way to bounce back from last week’s unsettling win, losing handily in Detroit, and improving our draft position – much like Trump’s bone spurs improved his.  But there are far more pressing matters at hand:  last Monday, our blog post ignited a firestorm the night before Alabama’s special Senate election.  As evidenced by our site’s 19,000 hits last week (see main screen, bottom right), almost the exact margin of victory, we are being credited with swinging the vote for Doug Jones.  Jones thanked us with an autographed photo of Roy Moore on horseback, though it’s not apparent in the photo if Moore is riding to a local mall or a KKK rally.  But since our post was so influential, we’re re-applying the strategy this week to bring down an equally offensive public threat:  Comcast’s Laurence Holmes.

DET spent more time in our endzone than the crew that painted it

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Well, we really blew it this time.  Leave it to the Bears to wait until no one is watching to come out firing on all cylinders.  Most of us presumed that they didn’t even HAVE all their cylinders.  But with the Bengals’ two best defenders injured, our offense took advantage like Roy Moore at a shopping mall.  With our cowboy hat, snugly-fit leather vest, and tiny pocket pistol, we preyed on Cincy like a defenseless teenager, though we did ask her mom for permission first.  And while the Bears are now off for 5 days (we play Sat.), we can only hope that Moore doesn’t strike again before tomorrow’s special Senate election in Alabama.

Trubisky to Cincinnati: “Sup, bitches?”

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Last year, accidentally beating the 49ers cost the Bears a draft spot.  And that spot cost us 3 selections, as we traded them up to draft Mitch “13 College Starts” Trubisky.  But with SF leading us in the draft pool again this year, the Bears got a chance to exact their revenge.  Whether it’s because SF now has Jimmy “2 Draft Picks Cheaper Than Truby” Garoppolo, or just because we royally suck, we were able to execute our PFTD (Playing For The Draft) plan, and snatch defeat at home.  The best part?  The Bears are so inept across so many functions that nobody can even suspect us of tanking.  Top-5 pick, here we come!

Garoppolo already has as many wins at Soldierz as the Trubes

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Black Friday must’ve been quite prosperous for whoop-ass canneries in Southeastern Pennsylvania.  The big winners were those that bought in bulk because at halftime, they announced a shortage throughout the region, as the Eagles had poured enough on the Bears to rival the BP oil spill.  What would easily have been the worst loss of the year for most franchises was just a typical Sunday afternoon for the Bears, who’ve now lost 25 of their last 32 (.219).  But while I still believe Coach Fox should pull a “Keyser Soze,” I think it’s best to wait 5 more weeks – after all, we want to lose out, and that old bird is on a roll!

With the NFL’s lax celebration rules, Philly made this
game look like an episode of “Dancing With The Stars”

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The Bears are just a week into PFTD mode (Playing For The Draft), and we’re already hitting our stride.  Down 3 with 0:08 left, Connor “Party On Wayne, Party On” Barth went wider right than any kicker before him, securing our 3rd straight loss.  If it had come before our season was put down for the year, this loss would’ve been devastating.  But since we already punched out, it was actually quite tolerable.  We played good enough to maintain interest, but badly enough to enhance our draft position, and Trubisky steered clear of Kevin Spacey.  All things considered, that’s as good as a W to me!

Place-holder Patrick “Why Does He Even Wear The
Special Shoe?” O’Donnell knows before he even looks

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The 2017 Chicago Bears are officially done.  In a must-win, despite being favored over Green Bay for the first time in 9 years, we found yet another way to blow it:  via challenge flag.  What was already the dumbest coaching challenge ever wound up backfiring, taking points off the board, and the ball out of our hands.  It makes you question whether Coach “Captain Bonehead” Fox can be trusted with the remote control, let alone an NFL team.  So I’m calling for him to be “Trumped” immediately, meaning he should be fired, disparaged repeatedly on Twitter, and then investigated for colluding with Russia.

That right there is our season – dying on the goal line

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Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the term, “bearing down”

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The Bears went down to NOLA on Sunday to make a statement to the NFC.  Unfortunately, that statement was an unequivocal and synchronous: “We’re not ready yet.”  And it was an argument they came prepared to defend.  Along with Zach “If You Read This Blog, You Saw This Coming” Miller’s freak knee injury (which literally took points off the board), we bone-headed the crap out of this game by figuratively taking points off the board as well.  Trubisky threw a bunch, but his most notable toss – his last – was caught by the Saints.  Even our defense came up lame.  Sure, the Saints are good.  But after lining up next to them, the Bears clearly don’t have a leg (or knee) to stand on in the NFC debate.

Miller’s last play.  And his last drop.

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Cam Newton thinks he’s Superman.  But while I’m fairly certain Superman wouldn’t lose a Super Bowl if he really played in one, Bear rookie Eddie “12 Points In 12 Minutes” Jackson was the only player on either team to reach the endzone Sunday.  And he did it twice – both from 75 yards, both on defense, and both in just 11½ minutes.  He got his 1st before Trubisky even took a snap, and we only ran 11 plays before his 2nd (though we did find time to miss a FG).  And as Jackson netted almost as many yards as our offense and special teams combined, Truby put on a tie and glasses, climbed into a phone booth, and got the hell out of the way.  And while he was in there, he made a call about the NFL playoff schedule.  Yeah, that’s right, I said playoffs.

Newton watches Jackson run off with his cape – and 6 points

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They say defense wins championships.  Well it can also win sloppy regular-season games.  In our best impression of a Lovie Smith team since we actually were one, the Bears got off the bus running, and didn’t stop for 68 minutes.  And we served the full Lovie-style menu, complete with your running, your menacing (and scoring) defense, your QB being a non-factor, more of your running, your almost blowing it, and then for dessert, your barely hanging on to win.  And the timing is ironic, as this is our first road win since the last time we faced Lovie (Dec. 2015).  In Lovie’s defense, he did have Conte on his team that day.

It took 5 years, but our Lovie-level D is finally back!

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Well, there’s one thing Mitchell “The Biscuit” Trubisky’s NFL debut wasn’t:  boring.  It also wasn’t great, good, or unBearslike.  But what was arguably the most exciting Bear loss in decades, this game had it all – except, of course, the W.  But come on, you weren’t expecting this kid to be Tom Brady, were you?  In his first game!?  I’m just glad he didn’t die, which is where I set the bar, and now we have something to build on.  Until now, it’s been like watching The Revolution open for Prince – everyone’s really just waiting for Prince to come out.  And that’s what Trubisky is – he’s our Prince.  And our Revolution.  He’s our little red corvette.  Our raspberry beret.  Sure, he didn’t party like it’s 1999, but he is a sexy mf’er.  And he would.  Die 4.  U.

This is what it looks like when doves cry

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Well, Mike “ESPN 8 – The Ocho” Glennon wasted no time in chunking this one.  It took him less than ocho minutes, and less than ocho plays, to hand GB the lead in the Bears-Packers rivalry for the first time in ocho decades.  The Bears led the series from inception (1921) until 1930, won it back again in 1933, and then dominated for 60 years.  After going on a 30-9 run in the 1940’s and 50’s, our lead peaked at 24 games in 1960, and again in 1992 after Bret Fahrvergnügen lost his series debut.  But since then, GB has gone 38-13.  And as of Thursday night, our run is over.  After a franchise-worst 3-13 season last year, this has to be rock bottom.  And so I have to ask – how much worse could Trubisky really make us?

We’re considering some new nicknames for Ocho: Hot Potato,
Fumble Knees, Janeane Giraffalo, or Giraffe-Face McTurnover

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I’m shocked.  Not by how awful the Bears played, or that we won in spite of it.  And not because this was our first win in 294 days (and 7 games), or that it came just two years after we went winless for 315 days (and 8 games).  I’m not even shocked that Marcus “Endzones Are Overrated” Cooper “stopped short” of the goal line while returning a blocked punt – or by the subsequent madness.  What I am shocked by is how little joy this win gave me.  And I realized it’s because of our imposter QB.  Like Vanilla Ice stealing that sick Queen baseline, Glennon didn’t just steal this win from Pittsburgh, he stole it from Trubisky.  Is “Ice, Ice, Baby” a good song?  Hell, yes.  But I just can’t see myself rolling in my 5.0 (with my ragtop down so my hair can blow) until Trubisky takes over.  So let’s drop the Ocho and get with the hero!

Being Leon Lett’ed is now known as being Marcus Cooper’ed
(And boy, I bet Lett slept better than he has in a while last night!)

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If you sat on a jury in a game-fixing case against Mike “ESPN 8 – The Ocho” Glennon, and the only evidence was video of Sunday’s first half, you’d have no choice but to vote guilty.  And to seek the death penalty.  Now, I’m not saying the Ocho is a traitor sent here to sabotage the Bears – that’d be like sending a rat to sink a sinking ship.  But what I am saying is that if Glennon were a saboteur, he would’ve played exactly how he did yesterday.  That’s how bad he was.  It was like he was literally trying to pass the torch to Trubisky, except Tampa kept intercepting it.

Ocho wears 2 jocks cuz he has so much trouble holding onto his balls

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The new Bears feel a lot like the old ones.  It’s like a recurring nightmare:  our solid defense keeps us in it, and our “eh” offense takes us right out of it.  Trailing 23-17 with 3:18 left, Mike “ESPN 8 – The Ocho” Glennon drove 72 yards to set up a 1st-and-goal at the 6.  But then he threw 3 straight incompletions before getting sacked to end the game where he should’ve been during it – sitting on his ass.  As if almost instinctively, like his predecessors before him, he’s already steered us into last place.  Apparently, the “Win Now” phase has been put on hold until further notice.

Glennon high-fiving Atlanta’s D to congratulate them on the win

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Well, the rebuild is over, folks.  The Bears made their big move, which finally showed their hand and told a story.  That story:  what you see now is what you’re getting.  And that includes us having no face to go with our franchise.  The most likely mug is Trubisky’s, but it’s all a matter of when he starts.  Since 2000, 23 of the 26 QB’s drafted in the top 10 have started as rookies.  And our boy wasn’t just taken top 10 – the Bears traded 4 picks to move up from 3 to 2, revealing their love for him as awkwardly as a guy climbing out of a public pool with a raging boner.  So all the signs point to Truby Tuesday playing ASAP.  Unfortunately, it won’t be soon enough to win us a Super Bowl this year.

You can already hear the crowds: “Tru-by!  Tru-by!  Tru-by!”

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