Bear Down Baffa

Finally, we did something right.  We lost our season finale at home against a division rival with whom we were tied for last place.  This renders us 1-7 at home – and you can only get one loss worse than that.  Most seasons, that would be horrific.  But the Bears did what they knew was best – they took one on the chin in an exhibition game to ensure we draft ahead of Detroit (sucks!), a team that has taken 6 straight from us.  And in doing so, we’ve secured the 11th spot in the draft versus what could’ve been as high as the 17th if we had won, and Detroit falls back to 16th.  It’s finally over, AND we get a good draft spot.  I guess it really is a Happy New Year!

Referee Bill “What the fuck are YOU lookin at?!”
Jones doesn’t like cameras at his coin tosses

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Jesus, I can’t wait for this season to be over.  Despite the Bear’s many failures in this game, Tampa Bay was simply better at sucking than us, and captured the L.  Whether it was the Buc’s Doug “Fumble-deuce-skie” Martin fumbling twice, new Bear LB John “I Didn’t Get The Memo That We Were Supposed To Lose” Timu recovering them both, or Ka’Deem “Don’t Forget The Apostrophe Or The Capital D” Carey scoring 2 TD’s, it seems nobody got the memo that the Bears were supposed to lose.  And so, in winning our 1st December game in 2 years, we’ve guaranteed that at least 5 teams will draft ahead of us.  Even worse, if we win again, we could pick as low as 18th!  So I’m glad we’re playing at home next week (where we’re 1-6) because I want that 6th spot in the draft.  I never thought I’d say this, but I hope the Bears play like the Cubs next week!

Timu’s coming out party included running a recovered fumble
over to Coach Fox and handing it to him.  What a kiss-ass.

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5-9.  Do you remember the last time the Bears were 5-9?  I do.  It was last year.  Trestman sank our ship like any question about anything other than brain surgery has sunk Ben Carson’s poll numbers.  Well, a year later, we still suck.  We suck so bad that we’re running out of similes and metaphors.  There isn’t a single porn or prostitute analogy that captures it – not even a gloryhole scenario.  But without getting too graphic, I’ll say this:  the 2015 Bears suck like an army of souped up jet engines, but spinning in place and in reverse.  And our season is an innocent flock of geese just out for an unassuming morning fly.  And on Sunday, the entire flock got sucked into that nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner, and shred into a <POOF> of beaks, bones and blood-soaked feathers.  Merry F-ing Christmas!  And to be clear, I mean that in the non-denominational way.  Like the Bears, and so many others, I too am engaged in a war on Christmas.

Teddy did everything but walk over troubled Bridgewater Sunday

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You thought last year was bad?  Ha!  We just lost at home to a team that hasn’t won on the road since Obama lived in Kenya, making us 1-9 in our last 10 games at Soldierz Field.  The one positive most of us have going for us is that even though we have to experience the horror that is the Bears each week, we’re doing it from the comfort of our homes.  Imagine how pissed off season-ticket holders must be!  And on top of that, Robbie “Even I Hate Me” Gould missed another FG in the final minutes, choking for the 2nd straight week.  It’s gotten so bad, announcers have gone from calling him “one of the most accurate kickers in NFL history” to one of the most accurate “in Bear’s history.”  Which isn’t saying much since no one can name another Bears kicker other than Kevin Butler.  Yeah, you can’t, can you?  Regardless, we lost this one despite doing our best to keep Gould out of it.  And so, like Mayor Rahm Emanuel, I’m calling for his resignation.

I’d tell Gould to go fuck himself, but he’d probably miss wide left

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The 2015 Chicago Bears have done it.  They’ve gone ahead and done exactly what none of us wanted them to do – win too few games to make the playoffs but too many to get a top draft pick.  And just when they had their destiny by the balls, they drop another home game against a backup QB.  And this one falls 100% on Robbie “I’ll Be Unemployed Soon, So It’s Good That I Invested In” Gould, who missed 2 FG’s for the 2nd time this year.  And this after having the worst season in his career last year.  Our only hope is that this loss moves us up a couple spots in the draft where we can pick up a new Kicker.

Gould trying to quiet the voices in his head after blowing our season

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Well, they did it.  Just when I officially conceded the season was over, the Bears went out and won again.  A big one.  On Thanksgiving.  In Prime Time.  During a nationally televised game.  Against the 1st place Packers.  At Lambeau Field.  On Brett Fahrvergnügen Night.  With A-A-Ron Rodgers playing.  And Bart Starr in a golf cart.  And Clay Matthews’s golden hair (and his lack of a neck).  And with this upset, we made Rodgers discount double-check himself, we ruined everyone from Wisconsin’s Thanksgiving, and we put ourselves back in the playoff conversation.  And not that I have factual evidence to support it, but I think Rodgers was pissed at all the love GB was showing Favre.  And how appropriate that we won by 4 when they put Favre’s #4 up on the Lambeau facade, and they put his “#1” up on the big screen.

Favre was asked to wear a long coat to avoid a wardrobe malfunction

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The 2015 Bears are officially in hospice.  The Broncos, coming off 2 straight losses, brought their top ranked defense to town, but left the legendary Peyton Manning at home.  And it turned out to be a wise choice.  In case anyone didn’t hear it the 147 times it was mentioned during the game, Denver’s backup QB (Brock Osweiler) is 6’8”, his parents drove 14 hours to see him, he made his first career start, and it was his 25th birthday.  What you may not know, however, is that he came in having thrown just 54 career passes – over 4,000 fewer than Cutler.  And not only did Osweiler out-play Cutler, but he’s the only AFC QB to beat the Bears this year, knocking us down to 1-4 at home.  And, for all intents and purposes, ruining our chances of making the playoffs.  Happy fricken Thanksgiving.

Denver seemed delighted to play w/o the noodle-armed Manning

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The 2015 Bears are officially open for business!  After losing 10 straight conference games dating back to when Cutler & Trestman beat McCown & Lovie (just 9 days shy of a year ago), including 5 this year, we finally won an NFC game.  We still haven’t scored a 3rd quarter TD, but this was our first convincing win this year for several reasons.  1) The Rams were a top-5 defense.  2) The Rams were top-5 in rushing, led by a top-5 RB who’s a rookie.  3) We were without our best offensive and defensive players.  And 4) we won by 24 points after our first 3 wins were by a total of 6.  And now, despite starting 0-3, we’re 4-5.  And right in the middle of the playoff hunt.  Yes, THOSE playoffs!

We flipped St. Louis – and the NFC playoff picture – upside down

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OK, so I was wrong.  The Bears have already won more than the 2 games I predicted this year.  But in my defense, San Diego just lost their 5th straight, and no one saw that coming.  That gives us 3 wins by an average of just 2 points, each of which has come in our 3 games against AFC West teams (none of whom has a winning record).  By contrast, our 5 losses have come by an average of 13 points, and to teams that are a combined 18-17 against teams not from Chicago.  If we played the AFC West all season, we’d be in pretty good shape.  But since we don’t, we’ve still got 8 more we can lose.  And I think you’ll give it to me if we finish 3-13.

Miller used 1 hand (and 0 eyes) on his game-winning TD catch

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The Vikings went trick-or-treating on Sunday at Soldierz Field, dressed up as an NFL team that eats purple people.  And despite having an extra week to prepare, the Bears, who were also dressed as an NFL team (albeit not as convincingly), hospitably filled their bags with a bounty of endless chances to win the game.  And Minnesota accepted those chances like child ghosts, ghouls and goblins fiending for sugar in your local cul-de-sac.  But what some haven’t yet accepted, and will soon be forced to accept (it’s only a matter of time), is that the Bears were the ones that came up winners on Sunday.  With this loss, we moved up 3 slots on next year’s draft board.  And anytime you’re moving up like Ben Carson, it’s got to be good!

The Vikes took their sacks (of candy) – and the win – home

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Two bottom feeders played “not it” with the “Worst Team in the NFC” trophy on Sunday in the worst city in the country, Detroit (sucks!).  The 2-3 Bears had lost 4 straight to the Lions (including Detroit’s last win), and the 0-5 Lions (losers of 6 straight) were the league’s last winless team.  Both lost their highest paid defenders, both recently benched their QB’s and both are headed nowhere fast.  But the Bears won out as the team most detrimental to its own good, which is saying a helluva lot considering how hard the Lions fought to keep that title!  Detroit deserves a ton of credit for actually “playing” worse, they just wound up winning because the Bears “are” worse.  So we made the drive home with the trophy strapped to the roof like Mitt Romney’s dog.  And the only thing worse than being Romney’s dog, or going to Detroit, is leaving Detroit a loser.

Bears players try to force “NFC Worst” belt onto Detroit player

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Until just 8 days ago, the Bears had lost 8 straight.  But apparently our locker room didn’t get the memo, as we went on the road to get our 2nd straight win Sunday.  Now before Jim Miller “straps open the party boots,” remember that the 2 teams we beat are 3-7, and the teams they’ve beaten are 4-11.  And while we’re no longer the worst ranked defense, that title is now held by none other than the Chiefs.  So while it’s great that we came back and won, once again, we only needed to come back because of our own ineptitude.  And again, it was new-level ineptitude:  this time Cutler gave away a TD by fumbling in our own end zone.  So once again, we “bearly” won, which we define as “a crappy team stumbling into a win against another crappy team at the last second.”  But hey, though we’re “bearly” on one, at least it’s a win streak!

Maybe not telling our squad that they suck is working?
Or perhaps they’re reading my blog for motivation?

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That’s not a typo in the title, “bearly” is a new adverb we created to describe a crappy team that stumbles into a win against another crappy team at the last second.  Because that’s all that happened on Sunday.  And if the Bears get any more wins this year, they’ll probably be in a similar fashion.  Granted, a win is a win, but I rank “winning by FG” as 127th on the list of manly ways to win in the NFL.  And we only needed that FG because we threw a late pick and lost the lead.  Whether you’re a respected NFL team in rebuild mode, an immigrant in a spelling bee, or Donald Trump, that all still spells “loser.”

Even Gould was stunned that we won Sunday

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I feel no joy being right this year, but you have to admit I’ve been spot on.  Our season started badly, it’s gotten worse, and there’s no tunnel (let alone an end) from which to glean any light.  As we predicted, Cutler went down, his backup is inadequate, and our defense has fewer stars than Jeb! has former presidents in his bloodline.  And on Sunday, we continued our recent trend of using both old and new ways to fail.  Old: we kept it close til the half, allowed the opponent to set a team scoring record, and then lost (all for the 3rd straight week).  New: we didn’t turn it over, fell to 0-3 for the 1st time since ’03, and got shutout for the 1st time since ’02 (when Henry “Only One” Burris made his one – and only – career start).  Unfortunately, with that kind of hidden creativity, it’s likely the Bears have yet to hit rock bottom.

If a tree falls in the forest, does a Bear cry?

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The two cardinal rules of today’s NFL are: 1) offenses live and die by their QB, and 2) defenses live and die by pressuring the QB.  On Sunday, the Bears proved to be a house of cards in both areas as our D got 0 sacks for a 2nd straight week, and our QB play was vaginal at best (not to disparage vaginas).  It didn’t take long for AZ to show their hand, taking the opening kickoff to the house.  We hung in for a bit, but eventually folded when Cuter walked off with his uterus hanging out of his jock.  And when AZ called, we revealed that we were bluffing, as our backup filled in as nicely as a pap smear.  Boy, those two are lucky they have union health coverage because the House just voted to block funding for Planned Parenthood.

AZ pulled a Hester on us – but do you
remember the Hester we pulled on them?

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It was a good game.  Kind of exciting.  The Bears came out like a complete team for the first time in almost a year, and apparently all it took was dumping Conte.  We played better than probably even we expected, but in a story that’s become commonplace this time of year in Chicago, the better team pulled away before too long.  Though the final score was close, Green Bay put a fork in this one when they stepped on the field after the half.  They were better in preparation and execution from that point on.  But the Bears – at least for today –  are in third place in our division.  And if you’re a Cub fan, that makes this a winning season.

Pack lives matter

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