Our apologies for the delay in this week’s post. This blog is under interim management until further notice. But we’ve included a draft of what the former staff started before they were fired.
Find the guy that decided to call it a season before game 16.
Here’s a hint, he has the ball. And about $50M in the bank.
The Bears benched Jay Cutler in favor of a guy who’s played 16 NFL games and thrown 9 passes this season after not seeing the field since he was a rookie in 2010. He also happens to be named after the town where Cutler was born: Santa Claus, IN. And Jimmy “Santa” Claus(en) had the lead midway through the fourth quarter. But our D failed again, and then Detroit (sucks again!) gave him a concussion on our final drive via cheap shot. So after dropping our fourth straight, we’re now forced to go back to Cutler for the season finale. That’s like getting your new girlfriend pregnant but still taking your ex to the holiday party. Man, you can’t make this shit up!
Suh looked like he wanted more than a sack on this one,
and Claus(en) looked like he was ready to take his licks
Apparently, the Bears are still playing this season. And apparently, not much has changed on the performance front. Hosting a limp 5-8 conference opponent at home is what an impotent 5-8 team like the Bears looks for on its schedule. But Drew Brees was the only QB that had a “what-we-expected-out-of-Cutler-when-we-guarenteed-him-$54M” kind of night. And it was evident Brees was sporting the manlier appendage when the score hit 24-0 at halftime – when the game unofficially ended. And when I headed out to play pool.
We started at the Tilted Kilt on Wabash – $1 pool!
Sometimes there is so much to say, you cringe at the thought of trying to fit it all in. Other times, you can sum up your thoughts in one word:
We had ’em. We were up 14-3 at the end of the first quarter, and our season appeared to have come out of its coma. Children from the Ukraine to Zimbabwe were rejoicing. But then the 2014 Chicago Bears destroyed their dreams. We gave up 21 straight points in the second quarter, Robbie “It’s Been Six Weeks Since I Kicked A FG” Gould kicked his first FG in six weeks in the third, and then we gave up another 10 in the fourth. It’s a different way of losing, yes. But it’s still losing. And that appears to be all this highly-touted, over-priced, piece-meal-since-we-let-Urlacher-go-over-money embarassment of a team is good for. So fuck them, and fuck you.
The (sucks!) moniker changed hands
in Detroit on Thanksgiving Day, 2014
It was a former Head Coach against his replacement, a former backup QB against the starter, and two losebag teams scratching for that hard-to-come-by win. And in some minor miracle of an event, the Bears won (WTF?!) for the second week in a row. A 2-game winning streak is a lot to celebrate, right? Uhm, no. Let’s remember that we’re still 5-6, we beat a 2-8 team with a new HC and QB, at home, and only by a TD. But considering the alternative – losing to a 2-8 team with a new HC and QB at home – I will take it like a hit of crack if I was Rob Ford at Marion Barry’s funeral! Let’s just not get on our knees and start blowing each other about it, n-k?
Cutler 1, McCown 0
It may have taken us 10 games to get our first home win of the year, but after losing 3 straight and 5 of 6 – including giving up 106 points in the last 2 games – the Bears pulled out their first victory in over a month on Sunday. And in doing so, we advance to 4-6, and move back into third place. We might have beaten a shitty team, but we gotta beat the shitty teams to get back to being an average team. And while average is still a long way off for us, today we are not a shitty team. And with our talent, that’s enough. Supa Bow, Supa Bears!
“He Went To” Jared Allen finally got his first win at Soldierz
Well, what can you say other than boy the Pack really put it on us, huh? It would’ve been the ass-whooping of a lifetime if the exact same thing didn’t just fucking happen in our last game! So in this case, it was just a Sunday evening at Lambeau. We were down 42-0 at halftime, and GB fumbled once on our goal line, so it was actually worse than the score indicates. It’s the most points the Bears have ever allowed in any half, and of course it’s also our largest point differential since we didn’t score any fucking points! Seriously, the only reason I watched the second half was to see if anybody got killed.
Bear down! No, seriously, there’s a bear down! Call a vet!
The NE Patriots played Whack-a-Mole on the Bears’ heads Sunday, bringing our organization to a new low. The last time we faced them, Lovie’s defense-minded squad played host in 2010. We lost in the blizzard by 29 points (36-7) after allowing an “at the time” Bears-worst 33 points in the first half (and turning the ball over four times). Well leave it to Belichick and Bradychick to top that. This time Trestman brought his Big O to Bean Town, and though we only lost by 28 (51-23) and only had two turnovers, we did allow a new Bears-worst 38 first half points. At this stage, we’re in Cubs territory. And while it’s already embarrassing to wear the blue and orange in public, it may be time to put the house on the market. Though I only wrote it in pencil, I just added a Brady jersey to my X-Mas wish list.
Apparently Gronk eats bear meat for breakfast
Just when we think we’re out, the Bears pull us back in, only to let us down yet again with a season-killing loss. This time it was to a QB that makes about a fifth of Cutler’s salary, and who played about five times as well. And that, Bear Nation, is completely unacceptable. Jeremiah “Was A Bullfrog” Ratliff had 3.5 sacks. But the rest of them – Trestman, Tucker, Cutler, Marshall – every single one of them deserves an “unacceptable” rating for the game, the month (we’re set to lose our fourth game in 28 days on Sunday) and the season to date. And I, for one, am not accepting it.
Tannehill makes what Cutler’s kids get in allowance
It was a battle of 2-3 teams, both clinging to dwindling hopes for their seasons, and both coming off back-to-back losses. One was going home a loser for the third straight week, and most likely carrying its season in an urn. The Falcons came in 2-0 at home where they had averaged 46 points. And while we had only allowed an average of 23 in three road games, that was with at least one of our four best linebackers – all of whom were spectators on Sunday. But none of that mattered because the Bears came correct, providing a full service effort that covered every base – like a bottom bitch servicing her pimp the day he gets out of the joint. And on Sunday, Bear Nation, that pimp was you!
Josh “Nice To Meet You, Mr. Cutler” Morgan’s 1st Bear TD
The 2014 Chicago Bears fucking suck. Four turnovers, 10 penalties, and we were out-scored 24-3 in in the final 30:12, giving away a 14-point lead. And we lost it to Greg “You Should’ve Never Traded Me” Olsen, the phenom TE we traded for a third round pick because he didn’t fit into Mike “I Need Specific Personnel To Suck” Martz’s scheme years ago. And I…I just can’t.
Olsen gave a post-game shout out to his sisters, Mary Kate and Ashley
The Bears had their one shot, and they missed their chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo. With a virtually new team compared to just a few years ago, this was our time to weigh in against the mighty Pack and see what’s what. And the conclusion is simple: we are still not on Green Bay’s level. I wanted this game. I wanted it bad. I was so ready for us to rally as a team, and I thought we were finally ready to go toe-to-toe with the monsters of our division. But much like my thoughts on Obamacare, I was insanely wrong. GB kicked the ever-living shit out of us. Again. And because of this (just like Obama’s re-election), the world is now forever ruined. And I’m pissed. Royally pissed.
One of the rare moments GB wasn’t scoring
(For your FYI: It’s a timeout)
The Supa Bow called…they want their Bears back! After starting 0-1 at home, we went on the road for two games in prime time against fiery defenses, and somehow we came home 2-1. And this game was won defensively. We stopped the Jets 5 times in the red zone, including their last: a fourth-and-five from our 9 in the final minute. With this stellar performance, I think our new defense just popped its cherry. But since they are so young, and we witnessed it, does that make us all accessories to child pornography?
Mundy “Pick-6’d the Shit-6” out of the Jets on Monday Night
The last time the Bears came back after trailing by more than 16 points was a dry, Monday night in Arizona in 2006. Hester was introduced to the world, and Urlacher had the greatest game in his illustrious career that night in the infamous, “They are who we thought they were!” game. We are now 3-140-1 when trailing by 16 or more, but we’re 1-0 at San Fran’s new “Levi’s Stadium.” And with a name like that (in addition to committing 16 penalties for 118 lost yards), San Fran deserved to lose!
Marshall makes the first of his 3 TD catches
Jay “I Just Won The Lottery” Cutler has already over-stayed his welcome in Chicago. Now that he’s making more than $1M per game, and he’s surrounded by Pro Bowlers with a QB Whisperer in his ear, there is a different standard to which he is being held. And 2 INT’s with an 86.2 QBR definitely doesn’t meet that standard. Jay, you are now 0-1 as a premier QB, and you lost at home to a shitty team with a QB who’s only thrown 12 NFL TD’s. Nice job, suckwad! I bet the guys that advised the Bears on committing that much cash to Cutler are sweating bullets tonight. And if they’re not, they should be!
Buffalo came in, held our balls and told us to cough, then snuck
out the back door with our wallets while we pulled our pants up
There are few times in our lives when we become so full of anticipation that we can feel it surround us like a cool pool of water up to the neck on a hot day. And while these times can lead to an expectation not being met, they teach us to appreciate times like this. And by “times like this” I mean the euphoria-inducing potential bestowed upon us in the form of the 2014 Chicago BEARS Offense! Similarly to how I’d feel if Iron Mike made a triumphant return to the field as a player, I’m so over-joyed that I’m finally ready to forgive Robbie “My Son Ruined The Bears 2013 Season” Gould for missing the FG in OT in Minni last year and costing us the playoffs. LOL, I’m only kidding – I hope ISIS gets ahold of that cocksucker because he’s DEAD to me!
Trestman breaks camp in Bourbonnais, where there
are only 2 things to do: 1) practice football and 2) leave
Bear Down Baffa 