Bear Down Baffa

Put up or shut up.  Go big or go home.  This one’s for all the marbles.  To the victor go the spoils.  Here’s where we separate the men from the boys.  Shit or get off the pot.    There are plenty of sayings to describe what the Bears did – and did not do.  Despite their mediocrity all season, the Bears still had the chance to win their division.  And we were right there, winning with under a minute to play.  But the bottom line is we sucked.  The big one.  We’ve now lost 9 of our last 11 to GB.  And all hyperbole aside, the Bears 2013 season turned out to be the most epic failure in the history of sports.

The Pack did what we couldn’t do –
finish…the play, the game and the season.

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It was a balmy 60 degrees at game time, which set the tone for the Bears getting Sanduskied.  Only there will be no charges, no jury and no civil/monetary award.  This was possibly the worst Bears performance I’ve ever seen, although I didn’t really see much past halftime.  I instead took the time to sign myself up for health care coverage on the healthcare.gov marketplace website.  It only took about 45 minutes and I started from scratch.  I have almost the exact same coverage that I had before, get to keep my doctor and I’m saving about 44%.  Thanks Obama!

Conte was all over the field, and by all over the
field I mean on the ground after missing tackles

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“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.”  Jay “I’m The Starting QB Bitches!” Cutler, who hadn’t played in 5 weeks, and hadn’t finished a game in over 2 months, returned.  And much like Jesus (or Horus, Osiris, Krishna, Mithra, Dionysus or about 30 other “gods”), his return provided everlasting life for the Bears.  But unlike them, he brought 3 things:  his patented cannon of an arm, his propensity to force bad passes into places they don’t belong, and his willingness to put the Bears playoff hopes ahead of his children.  Yes, I’m talking to you, Robbie “My Kids Come First” Gould.

Cutler’s return brought orgasms for Bears fans – as well as himself

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It was cold.  Single digits cold.  And below zero with the wind chill.  Dallas (who borrowed Ditka for a few years after he was deemed too much Bear for Chicago) came in riding a 2-game win streak, had won 5 of their last 7, and had been tied for first place in their division on Sunday morning.  The Bears, on the other hand, had lost 2 straight, 6 out of their last 9, and 9 of their last 11 December games.  But Da Coach was back on our sideline, and he provided so much emotional heat that even Robbie “My Kid Is More Important Than The Playoffs” Gould couldn’t blow this one.

McCown, doing his take on the Supa Bow Shuffle, came
up with this spinning back kick to honor Ditka as he scored

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We had so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  Going .500 since we lost Cutler, remaining tied for first place despite a plethora of defensive injuries, and our high-powered offense from a new head coach with 9 new starters from just 2 years ago.  But that all came tumbling down just 3 days after Turkey Day at the hands of a cubs-like opponent.  The Minnesota Vikings are unique in that their starting QB is a backup.  And we knocked that suckbag out at halftime.  So technically, we faced a third stringer during the second half and OT.  But it wasn’t their QB that beat us.  We did it to ourselves.  The only thing we can hope for is that the gun the Bears have been using all year to shoot themselves in the foot is about out of bullets.

This is what a REAL kicker looks like

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The Bears took advantage of another opportunity to shoot themselves in the foot on Sunday and failed to hold onto sole possession of first place after it was gifted to them mid-game.  Despite scoring at least 18 points in every game this year, we’ve allowed at least 20, and on Sunday we allowed 40 for the third time.  We’re on pace to be only the fifth team since 1970 to average both scoring and allowing more than 26 points a game for an entire season.  And for the third time in a row, we followed a win with a loss, as we fall to 3-5 in our last 8 games.  And to add insult to injury, we can’t get any of our hurt players back on the field because Obamacare is failing.

The only time the teams were evenly matched – before the snap

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Dark, luminous clouds, 60-mph winds, severe rain and a tornado warning caused a two-hour delay, a rarity in the NFL, and an even more rare event in Chicago in November.  But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for Hallas’s squad.  We played about 10 mintes before the delay, during which time Baltimore ran out to a 10-0 lead.  Post delay, the Bears out-scored them 23-10.  I guess the nap McCown took during the delay helped.  And we go from destroying our entire season last week to moving back into a tie for first place at 6-4.  As Obama would say, “Yes We Can!”

Gould made it without a dry spot on the field – or in my pants

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In a battle for first place with Green Bay going Rodgers-less, and Veteran’s Day celebrations in tow, the Bears blew a chance to take over control of the division.  If we wanted to get swept by Detroit (sucks!), we would have stuck with Lovie Smith and our Obama-nable O-Line.  But at least the fans got to see what a real defensive line looks like.  Unfortunately, it was on the opposing team, and it took turns taking shots at Cutler like he was a Bin Laden target at a gun range.  Ah, I remember the good old days when our defense kept us in games while our offense struggled.  Now our offense still struggles, but our defense sucks.  Hey 2014, how soon can you get here?  We’ve got crack and whores for you if you want them!

The coin toss – the final moments before we tossed our season away

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The Bears called “Even Stevens” early on by knocking Aaron Rodgers out on the opening drive, leaving both teams without their star QB’s or their best defensive players.  It may be the first good thing Shea “Where Is Shea-Shea?  Where Is Shea-Shea?  Here I Am!  Here I Am!” McClellin has done so far in his short, lackluster career.  Now I’m not one to celebrate injuries to players in an ultra-violent game where they almost literally put their lives on the line, are paid millions and get all the pussy they can handle while having to work 3 hours a day for 16 days a year.  But in Aaron Rodgers case, halle-fucking-llujah!  That guy’s an asshole!  QB’s don’t do TD “dances.”  At least not ones who respect themselves.  What a toolbox!  And by that I mean a box of tooledness.  If I were on his team, I’d go Richie Incognito on his ass.

McCown is Rex Grossman plus 3 inches – and minus the INT’s

Click here to watch Aaron Rodgers get his ass whooped

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Jay Cutler’s manpussy was penetrated on Sunday, then he limped off the field like a porn star after shooting an extended gangbang scene.  And with him he carried the Bears 2013-14 season like Senator Ted Cruz taking his ball home after not getting his way.  Despite Josh “Cade McNown” McCown playing extremely well – for him that is, which means he was serviceable – it is clear that our mediocre, Urlacher-less defense cannot carry us without the Butler.  Now I love a good gangbang as much as the next guy, but we’ve just lost 3 out of 4 WITH Cutler.  So I’ve resigned myself to a long, cold winter with little to look forward to – except maybe the Cutler gangbang DVD which is due out in December.

Cutler’s tweaked lady business will keep him sidelined at least 4 weeks

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On a short week after losing two straight, the Bears pulled out a big win and earned back the Supa Bow birth that they set aflame over the past two weeks.  Sure, it was against an 0-5 team, but it’s an NFC team and that will help us if we get into a tie-breaker.  And like a straight guy in prison, this win was the gay sex we needed to get us by.  And while the prisoner would be one step closer to his parole, we’re one step closer to da Supa Bow.

Marshall Marshalling

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Hickory Dickory Dock,
Our O-Line cannot block.
Cutler sucks asses,
Earl Bennett drops passes,
And on fourth and one, Briggs jumps out of his jock.

Clever and disparaging nursery rhymes aside, the Chicago Bears’ season has taken a sharp turn for the worse.  And by that I mean doctors discovered an aneurysm in its ass.  Going back to last year, we’re now 3-3 at home in our last 6 games.  So much for homefield advantage.  The one thing you can say is that we have been consistent; consistently bad that is.  If we wanted to play that way, we could’ve just stayed with Lovie.  Speaking of him, I don’t think he found a new job yet.  Anyone got his number?

Cutler during his typical, early fumble that leads to points

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Oops.  So, I may have jumped the gun last week in demonstrably predicting the Bears would go to the Supa Bow.  We played worse this week in every single aspect of the game than in any other week so far this season, and came home with our first “L” as we fall to second place.  From blocking and tackling, to throwing and catching, to offense and defense, we didn’t look motivated, engaged or prepared the entire game.  The Bears better check to see if they even wiped their asses – I bet there are a slew of dingleberries in their butt cracks today.

Ndamukong “Um Donkey Kong” Suh came up with 2
sacks and a forced fumble – and 2 felonies – on Sunday

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Beat a playoff team, check.  Beat a division opponent, check.  Win on the road, check.  Overhaul O-Line, sign an offensive minded head coach from a foreign country, and let the second greatest player in franchise history retire with plenty in his tank, check.  This is the NFL’s official list of things needed to be done in order to earn a Supa Bow birth as early as week 3.  And the NFL better chickity check itself before it wrickity wrecks itself when it comes to the Monsters of the Midway.  Oh, it’s own.

James “I’m Not Neal” Anderson shows his 2013-14 Supa Bow Shuffle

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With the rain starting around 6 am, Soldierz Field was as slippery as my boy “Blue” wrestling two coeds in a tub of Santorum.  And it didn’t take long for things to get crazy.  Minni returned the opening kickoff for a TD.  But then Devin “Ensuing Kickoff” Hester returned the ensuing kickoff 76 yards, and we tied the game 5 plays later.  But that was only the beginning; this game had something for everyone.  Yes, even for Syrian rebels with RPG launchers on their shoulders and a half-full cache of chemical weapons.

Martellus “Something About Yourself”
Bennett scores his second TD for the win

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The “Who’s Your Daddy In” Cincinnati Bengals, who’ve made the playoffs the last two years, came to town as 3 point underdogs.  And they left as the first of what should be many NFL teams to lose to Marc Trestman.  Of the eight new NFL coaches, six played on Sunday (CHI, KC, AZ, JAX, BUF and CLE).  And Trestman was the only one of four rookie coach’s to win (the other two play Monday night, PHI and SD).  Maybe we should consult him on the situation in Syria.

Fans react when it is announced that the
Bear Down Baffa blog will continue this season

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After a two week protest outside my building that gave “Occupy Wall Street” a run for it’s money, and uncountable requests on Facebook for the return of the Bear Down Baffa blog (OK, I counted 3 requests), it’s official:  we’re back.  And we’ve officially got a boner for the 2013-14 Chicago Bears!

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