Bear Down Baffa

Turn out the lights…the party’s over.  The day before New Year’s Eve brought the biggest hangover to Bears Fan nation on Sunday.  How about that for irony?  Like rain on your wedding day, a black fly in your chardonnay, or Alanis Morrissette mis-using the word ironic.  But what isn’t ironic is the Bears starting 7-1 and then choking in the second half of their season, losing 5 of their last 8, and missing the playoffs despite having the best record (10-6) for a non-playoff team.  Fuck you, 2012!

Though we won 6 more games than Detroit (sucks!),
we both finished the season upside down

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Santa wouldn’t have to check his list twice to see on which side the Cardinals belong.  AZ showed that they were exactly who everyone thought they were – a shitty team.  And the Bears did exactly what they’ve done all year – they beat a shitty team.  Santa’s probably going to have to check that list a few more times tonight to see on which side the Bears fall.  And I’m sure the Bears are sweating that decision out as much as they’re sweating out next week’s game – like a Mayan on December 20, 2012.

An unfamiliar site of late – the Bears celebrating!

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The Chicago Bears suck major donkey balls, and so does Lovie “I Suck So Good I Should Be Dyson’s Spokesperson” Smith.  Green Bay just beat us for the SIXTH time in 24 months, and the eighth time in nine games.  And after winning 7 of our first 8 this year, we’ve now lost 5 of our last 6.  Alshon “Offensive Pass Interference” Jeffery?  Sucks.  Devin “I Once Could See, But Now I’m Blind” Hester?  Sucks.  Cutler?  Sucks.  Our O-line?  Sucks.  Our defense?  Sucks.  Lovie?  Leader of the Suck Pack.  It’s officially time to call the Donald and get him to tell Lovie, “You’re fired.”

Hopefully, Lovie’s coached his last game at Soldierz

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Playing without Urlacher, we can’t make mistakes and expect to win games.  But the Bears made plenty of them Sunday.  So many, in fact, that we looked like George W. Bush paired with a chimp trying to do a crossword puzzle.  We let All Day Peterson run all day, and we turned the ball over twice, both of which Minnesota converted into TD’s.  You add in the fact that we dropped balls like a Special Ed team hosting a dodgeball tournament, and that we committed 10 penalties for 80 yards, and it’s easy to see why our season is in a coma with a “do not resuscitate” directive and Jack Kevorkian waiting in a van around the corner.

Take this guy off the field and the Vikings are the Cubs

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For the third year in a row, the Bears lost a regular season game at home to Seattle.  That brings up two questions:  1) Who the hell is scheduling these games?  And 2) Why can’t we go to the west coast and win but they can come here and win?  And this time, Cutler and Forte weren’t hurt, and the Seahawks had a rookie QB.  That’s two losses to two rookie QB’s in three weeks, people.  It’s too bad that we didn’t have a player kill his girlfriend and then himself the day before the game because at least then we’d have an excuse.  Instead, the Bears were left looking as dumbfounded as a nun finding out she’s pregnant.

The Bears defense was looking in all directions for answers

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Knock, knock.  Who’s there?  First.  First who?  First place, bitches!  In a game we needed to win in order to save our season, the Bears stepped up like a U.S. General going after some civilian poontang.  And with GB losing to the Giants, we moved back into sole possession of first place.  We started slowly yet again, fumbling on our first play, which led to a Viking FG that gave them a 3-0 lead.  We then went 3-and-out after gaining only one yard.  But then we got medieval on they ass.  We picked up 2 turnovers, blocked a FG, played keep-away with the ball and owned the clock as we scored 25 straight points before the half.  And after some hot cocoa and a nice bedtime story, we tucked this one in and put it to bed early.

Cutler studied hypnosis during his week off and applied it to the Vike’s defense

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In a game billed as a Battle of Backup QB’s, with both starting QB’s out with bloodied vaginas, the Bears played like they were on the rag.  It was the first game in NFL history this late in a season between two first place teams with both QB’s making their first start of season.  And it looked like San Fran’s QB had completed 1,308 passes for 14,511 yards and 75 TD’s, and ours was making his first NFL start, instead of the other way around.  And it revealed only one thing:  that the Bears are a stinky, sweaty, 50-pound, heaping pile of elephant shit being fought over by Jerry Sandusky and Donald Trump in a “2 guys, 1 cup” battle royale.  Yes, the Bears season appears to be over, folks.

In case you can’t tell, this is the stinky, sweaty, 50-pound, heaping pile of elephant shit that is the Bears right now

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It was a Battle of the Bulge.  And by bulge I mean the bulge in the collective crotches of NFL fans across the nation.  The 7-1 Bears had a chance to stake their claim as a contender, hosting the 7-1 Texas Houstons on Sunday Night.  It was only the fifth time since the merger in 1970 that two teams with one or fewer losses met after week nine.  Adding to the hype, we celebrated Veteran’s Day while this game marked the 86th anniversary of the first Bears game at Soldierz Field.  Surprisingly, they have still played more games at that shithole Wrigley Field than at Soliderz.  But not so surprisingly, they fared as well as the losebag Cubs.

A dazed, confused and benched Cutler is no recipe for victory

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The Bears flew down to Nashville to do two things:  drink some beer and kick some ass.  As it turned out, they forgot the beer.  But they did remember to bring Peanut “Brittle” Tillman.  And unlike weeks passed, the Bears came out like the ass of a guy with diarrhea who just ate hot sauce while sitting on a live volcano – on fire.  Hello!

Tennessee faded into obscurity as just another team demolished by the Bears

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Andrew Luck (’12), check.  Sam Bradford (’10), check.  Matthew Stafford (’09), check.  And you can add Cam Newton (’11) to the list of four consecutive #1 overall draft picks the Bears have beaten this year.  Combine that with undrafted Tony Romo (’05) and #10 overall pick Blaine Gabbert (’10), we’ve beaten almost $45M in QB’s.  And the season isn’t even halfway over yet.  Granted, we were out-played for three quarters by the Carolina Steve Smiths while Cutler looked like a rookie late-rounder himself.  But the Bears eventually made like an old constipated guy who gave up trying to go all day at the office, but then had minor success after arriving in his domicile, and “squeaked one out at home.”

The Bears sideline erupted after a rare comeback win

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So much for whiny Detroit talking smack – or being a contender.  For all intents and purposes, the Bears ended the Lions’ season on Monday night, dropping them like property values in their decrepit city to 2-4.  And after their flash in the pan season last year, we shoved them back down to “Detroit sucks!” classification.

Game #165 was yet another Bear win in what really can’t be considered a “rivalry”

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The year was 2003.  The Bears had two first found picks.  They went with Michael Haynes (5 1/2 sacks in 43 games), and Rex Grossman (33 TD’s and 35 INT’s in 36 games).  But in the second round they picked Peanut “Butter and Jelly” Tillman, and in the third round they selected “Sir” Lance “A lot” Briggs.  Briggs became a perennial All-Pro, while Peanut took 9 years to make his first Pro Bowl (though he should’ve been acknowledge way sooner than that).  And on Sunday, the two came full circle.

It was a beautiful day – for a thunderous shellacking

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Our blog has been known to use some colorful language and a lot of hyperbole to paint over-exaggerated images of how well or how poorly we’ve played in any given week.  Well I wanted to start by admitting we were wrong last week when we said that the Bears defense was “absolutely awesome,” “dominant” and “stellar.”  Because those words now seem inappropriate by comparison.  So I personally want to apologize to all our readers for under-stating what Monday night showed to be an astoundingly, annihilationary, ass-raping, nuclear bomb, end-of-the-world, global killer defense that is actually suiting up for us.  They just may be as good as the legendary ’85 Bears D, adjusted for football inflation of course.

I guess everything IS bigger in Texas – including blowouts

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The Bears offense rebounded from a dismal performance in Green Bay by putting together another poor performance.  But just like week 1, this was at home against a AAA club, so it didn’t really matter.  Did we win?  Yes.  Did our (not so) new offense look good?  Uhm, no.  Are we confident in them going forward?  Absolutely not.  But the defense was absolutely awesome, showing no signs of the supposed aging that analysts have claimed for what seems to be a decade.  And like the “Global Warming” myth that those same analysts would have you believe, the Bears D is actually getting hotter by the week.  By season’s end, the city of Chicago should expect a surplus of forest fires, some serious flooding and a few hurricanes – all named Ditka, of course.  And that, my friends, will carry us to yet another Lombardi trophy.

The Bears big and bold defense is only growing bigger and bolder

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It’s 2012, but in an effort to keep the game fair, Lovie brought the 2011 Bears to Lambeau Field on Thursday night.  He even brought Mike “My Way Or The Highway – I Guess You’re Taking the Highway” Martz in to run the greatest offensive scheme in history without any of the pieces necessary to run it.  And the plan backfired, as the results were about the same as the second half of last season.  I wonder if Todd “Tom” Collins is available.

The PA just announced free cheese would be given to all attendees

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Most people will tell you that week 1 is the most important week of any football season.  That is – until week 2.  But after losing 5 straight without a real QB last year, and getting beat 4 times by Green Bay in calendar year 2011, we’re now 2-0 in 2012.  Granted, those 2 wins came against QB’s with 2 combined NFL wins between them (Ponder and Luck).  But hey, that’s a TP not an OP (Their Problem, not Ours).

Bears kick off 2012-13 Super Bowl run – and it’s going to take more than “luck” to stop them

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New and Improved
We’re ba-ack!  AND we’re chock full of enhancements and plenty of Bears euphoria!

First off, we have a new address:  BearDownBaffa.com (they allowed me to remove the word “wordpress” from the URL).  The old address still works; it will redirect you to this address.  But we think it’s pretty solid so we wanted to point it out.  Please tell your Bears friends.

I will still update my Facebook status when each week’s entry is posted, and I will still be sending an announcement email (to be added to the mailing list, email me at mark_baffa@yahoo.com).  But this season, you can also follow us on Twitter at BearDownBaffa.   (more…)