As 2012 rung in, the Bears had few wins and plenty of excuses for sucking this season. But leave it to the Bears to finally win after everyone (including me) gave up on them and there was nothing left to gain by winning. Yes, I did watch on Sunday – you didn’t think I was really going to boycott a Bears game now, did you?
Lining up in the “Midwest Used After-Market Auto Parts Losers Bowl”
Sleigh bells rung, and we were listening. But we wound up having a blue Christmas without him. Since Cutler tried to take on two blockers after throwing a pick against San Diago, and ran over our season like an 18-wheeler smothering a possum, we’ve gone from “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree” to “Silent Night.” And our season was officially pronounced dead about five minutes into the second half on Christmas. So much for celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who now plays QB for the Fudge Packers and has beaten the Bears four times in 2011.
At least the Bears weren’t the only ones who looked ridiculous in GB
I was wrong. I thought the Bears would survive without Cutler by relying on defense and special teams. And I expected more out of a $1.2M backup than for him to play like a drunk, disoriented, and blindfolded nitwit. Like most stupid people, I let what I “hoped” would happen cloud my judgement of what I “thought” would probably happen. And for that Palin-like idiocracy, I apologize. I am better than that, and you deserve more than that from me. What’s worse is the Bears have played so poorly that they’ve made me look as wrong as I’ve ever been. And to add “painful to watch” injury to much deserved insult, Johnny Knoxville did an unintended jackknife after fumbling that nearly glued his helmet to his heels, and we lost yet another player for the season.
Ouch, that’s gonna leave a misplaced vertebrae!
Jesus H. Christ. This game was over and the Bears had it won. But then Lovie had his team stop playing in the fourth quarter with a meager 10-point lead. The offense stopped playing, the defense stopped playing, and then Marion “The Ovarian” Barber dropped to his knees and blew Tebow – and the game.
Bear Nation was out-prayed by the Tebow cult on Sunday
OK, remember what I said last week about everyone calming down? Well…everybody panic! It’s just like the titanic, but it’s full of bears!
KC treated Hanie like a pedophile in prison
OK, everyone needs to just calm down for a minute. Fan reaction is that our season is over after Hanie’s first full game, and if I had a nickle for every person who said they “missed” Cutler, I could afford to pay Forte what he deserves. Of course you miss him, dumbasses. Talk about stating the obvious. We traded 15 draft picks for him, and Caleb Hanie (whom most people wouldn’t recognize if he was hanging out outside Soldierz wearing his own jersey) is an undrafted backup who hadn’t thrown a pass all season. Were you thinking he was going to step in and we wouldn’t notice Cutler was out? STFU already. It’s ridonculous.
Hanie disappeared into “the Black Hole” of Oakland
Attention All Quarterbacks: When you throw a pick and the guy returning it gets anywhere near you, let him go man. Like a set of keys dropped in hot molten lava, just let him go. Put your head down, head to the sidelines and check your smart phone for sexts from your supermodel girlfriend.
What has two thumbs and is headed for a 6-8 week vacation? THIS guy!
The Bears said good-bye to third place for the first time since 9/18, and hello to global domination. In the time between the National Transitional Council taking Libya’s seat at the UN and the National Liberation Army sticking an unidentified object up Muammar Gaddafi’s soon-to-be-dead ass, we crawled our way back into a tie for second place. Despite coming off a short week and the Lions coming off a bye, the Bears devoured the Lions like Oprah getting after an ice cream cake with a shitty book underneath it.
Lion fans fall back into familiar territory – embarrassment
So much for the Bears being 8 point dogs. We flipped the script and gave Philly the business like a Penn State football coach on a teenager’s ass in the shower. And after beating them in the regular season for the fourth time in the last five years, we’re dominating this series like a Texas Governor on a death row inmate. Philly tried to beef up this off season by adding 6 former Pro Bowlers, even declaring themselves the “dream team” during training camp. But after we groped Vick like Herman Cain playing Marco Polo with one eye open in a hot tub filled to capacity with hot women, the only thing they’re dreaming about is being as awesome as the 5-3 Bears.
Bears stalk the Eagles like Penn State coaches stalk little boys
The Bears took their shit international again Sunday, playing on British soil for the first time since a preseason victory over Dallas after winning the ’86 Super Bowl. And they made their 16-hour round-trip flight worth the effort by moving their record there to 2-0. But that didn’t alleviate the annoyance of American commentators using English terminology and brutalizing British accents all week. If I hear one more person say we went “across the pond,” I may go postal. It’s an ocean people, not a pond. You’re not cool, clever or funny. Now if you said “the pond would be good for you,” then you’d be all three of those things.
Wembley plays host to Bears for first time in 25 years
Unlike Detroit, it’s been a rough go for Minnesota lately. The Twinkies went from 94 wins to 99 losses, the Wild haven’t made the playoffs in 4 years, and the T-wolves haven’t finished above .300 since ’06. And since upgrading from Tarvaris “How Did This Team Start Me With a Straight Face” Jackson to Bret “Have You Seen My Wenus” Favre (and missing the Super Bowl by one ill-advised pass two years ago), they’ve backslid to Donovan “I’m Doing More Damage to My Legacy At the End of My Career Than Bret ‘Have You Seen My Wenus’ Favre” McNabb. Add in their state’s presidential candidate Michele Bachmann being almost as ridiculous as Sarah Palin, electing Al Franken to the Senate seems to be the only thing that state has going for it (other than Sarah Palin not being from there). You betcha!
“Seven” Hester in all his ridiculousness
It’s been quite a run in Detroit of late – and quite the opposite in Chitown. The White Sax finished 16 games behind the Tigers, the Chubbies had 24 more losses, the Black Hawks finished 3.5 games behind the Red Wings, and now the Bears are 3 games behind the Lions in Roctober. We did tie in convicted elected officials, but I don’t think that – or even the Bulls finishing 32 games ahead of the Pistons – really does much to cancel it out. But hey, at least you can still buy a crackhouse in Detroit for less than the price of a bag of crack!
Apparently Detroit no longer sucks – We do
“And the bass keeps runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and…”
I’m not a big fan of the Black Eyed Peas, but the Bears certainly “got it started in here” on Sunday. We woke up running, got on the bus running, got off the bus running, and came out of the locker room running – running like the nose of a fevered cokehead cutting an onion in a blizzard. And it wasn’t limited to the offense. The team introduced the Special Teams squad during pre-game festivities, which Lovie tries to do twice a season. And if this game were a novel, that act would be considered foreshadowing – much like the Tea Party Debates have foreshadowed the forthcoming Armageddon.
“Seven” Hester Sets Soldierz Aflame During Introductions
Godammit, another fucking loss to the country’s largest exporter of cheese, and largest importer of fudge.
The problem wasn’t yardage. The Pack gained 5.7 yards per play, the Bears 5.6. The problem surprisingly wasn’t Cutler or our offensive line either. The problem was that Green Bay ran 17 more plays (69-52) because they played keep away with the ball all day. We lost the time of possession battle by 15 minutes – that’s like splitting time for the first 3 quarters, and then giving them the ball for the entire 4th quarter. Add in our typical slow start against the Pack, Martz’s lopsided play calling and an inept receiving corps that couldn’t catch a pass if it were covered in partially dried elephant semen, and it’s a recipe for losebagedness (for definition, click link).
Young Bears Fans Practice Dropping Passes – Like Their Heroes
If this was a game of “Clue,” I’d have to say the Butler did it in the Superdome with a candlestick.
The first 3 games our season (ATL, NO, GB) rate us as having the toughest starting schedule in the NFC. No one would have been surprised if we started 0-3, so 1-1 wouldn’t seem all that bad – if we weren’t certain to be 1-2 after next week’s blowout at the hands of Green Bay. We’ve supposedly got the 4th easiest schedule the rest of the way. But the way we played Sunday, that’s like saying Michelle Bachman has a chance to win the Republican nomination because there’s no clear leader yet.
Cutler Trying to Separate his Helmet from the Turf
September 11, 2011 was a special day in Chicago – and not just because the Bears became the front runner to win the Super Bowl. Sunday’s game marked the 10-year anniversary of an historic event – one that has changed the lives of so many. You may remember the Bears lost their first game of the 2001 season on Sunday, 9/9/01. Two days later, two planes hit the twin towers, and the NFL postponed the next week’s games until 9/23. And it was after the Bear’s victory over the Vikes in that first game back that I changed the world by writing my first official Bears article and emailing it to a lucky few of my closest Bear friends.
Ooooh, Pretty Colors!
I don’t know why the media has caused such a hubbub, and why Bears fans don’t seem happy with last season’s performance. We won our division and hosted the NFC title game, losing to the eventual Super Bowl winner. Last time I checked, that’s a bronze medal in a 32-team tournament. And we did it without an offensive line or top tier receiver, and with a new offensive scheme without the personnel for which it was designed. I have to say I was quite pleased with the end result. So I’m confused (and a little pissed off) by the seemingly general consensus that the Bears sucked. So, as Rick Perry enjoys his 15 minutes, I’ll quote him and call the negative talk a “Ponzi” scheme. (more…)
Bear Down Baffa 