Bear Down Baffa

OK, everyone needs to just calm down for a minute.  Fan reaction is that our season is over after Hanie’s first full game, and if I had a nickle for every person who said they “missed” Cutler, I could afford to pay Forte what he deserves.  Of course you miss him, dumbasses.  Talk about stating the obvious.  We traded 15 draft picks for him, and Caleb Hanie (whom most people wouldn’t recognize if he was hanging out outside Soldierz wearing his own jersey) is an undrafted backup who hadn’t thrown a pass all season.  Were you thinking he was going to step in and we wouldn’t notice Cutler was out?  STFU already.  It’s ridonculous.

Hanie disappeared into “the Black Hole” of Oakland

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Attention All Quarterbacks:  When you throw a pick and the guy returning it gets anywhere near you, let him go man.  Like a set of keys dropped in hot molten lava, just let him go.  Put your head down, head to the sidelines and check your smart phone for sexts from your supermodel girlfriend.

What has two thumbs and is headed for a 6-8 week vacation?  THIS guy!

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The Bears said good-bye to third place for the first time since 9/18, and hello to global domination.  In the time between the National Transitional Council taking Libya’s seat at the UN and the National Liberation Army sticking an unidentified object up Muammar Gaddafi’s soon-to-be-dead ass, we crawled our way back into a tie for second place.  Despite coming off a short week and the Lions coming off a bye, the Bears devoured the Lions like Oprah getting after an ice cream cake with a shitty book underneath it.

Lion fans fall back into familiar territory – embarrassment

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So much for the Bears being 8 point dogs.  We flipped the script and gave Philly the business like a Penn State football coach on a teenager’s ass in the shower.  And after beating them in the regular season for the fourth time in the last five years, we’re dominating this series like a Texas Governor on a death row inmate.  Philly tried to beef up this off season by adding 6 former Pro Bowlers, even declaring themselves the “dream team” during training camp.  But after we groped Vick like Herman Cain playing Marco Polo with one eye open in a hot tub filled to capacity with hot women, the only thing they’re dreaming about is being as awesome as the 5-3 Bears.

Bears stalk the Eagles like Penn State coaches stalk little boys

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The Bears took their shit international again Sunday, playing on British soil for the first time since a preseason victory over Dallas after winning the ’86 Super Bowl.  And they made their 16-hour round-trip flight worth the effort by moving their record there to 2-0.  But that didn’t alleviate the annoyance of American commentators using English terminology and brutalizing British accents all week.  If I hear one more person say we went “across the pond,” I may go postal.  It’s an ocean people, not a pond.  You’re not cool, clever or funny.  Now if you said “the pond would be good for you,” then you’d be all three of those things.

Wembley plays host to Bears for first time in 25 years

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Unlike Detroit, it’s been a rough go for Minnesota lately.  The Twinkies went from 94 wins to 99 losses, the Wild haven’t made the playoffs in 4 years, and the T-wolves haven’t finished above .300 since ’06.  And since upgrading from Tarvaris “How Did This Team Start Me With a Straight Face” Jackson to Bret “Have You Seen My Wenus” Favre (and missing the Super Bowl by one ill-advised pass two years ago), they’ve backslid to Donovan “I’m Doing More Damage to My Legacy At the End of My Career Than Bret ‘Have You Seen My Wenus’ Favre” McNabb.  Add in their state’s presidential candidate Michele Bachmann being almost as ridiculous as Sarah Palin, electing Al Franken to the Senate seems to be the only thing that state has going for it (other than Sarah Palin not being from there).  You betcha!

“Seven” Hester in all his ridiculousness

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It’s been quite a run in Detroit of  late – and quite the opposite in Chitown.  The White Sax finished 16 games behind the Tigers, the Chubbies had 24 more losses, the Black Hawks finished 3.5 games behind the Red Wings, and now the Bears are 3 games behind the Lions in Roctober.  We did tie in convicted elected officials, but I don’t think that – or even the Bulls finishing 32 games ahead of the Pistons – really does much to cancel it out.  But hey, at least you can still buy a crackhouse in Detroit for less than the price of a bag of crack!

Apparently Detroit no longer sucks – We do

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“And the bass keeps runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and runnin’ runnin’, and…”

I’m not a big fan of the Black Eyed Peas, but the Bears certainly “got it started in here” on Sunday.  We woke up running, got on the bus running, got off the bus running, and came out of the locker room running – running like the nose of a fevered cokehead cutting an onion in a blizzard.  And it wasn’t limited to the offense.  The team introduced the Special Teams squad during pre-game festivities, which Lovie tries to do twice a season.  And if this game were a novel, that act would be considered foreshadowing – much like the Tea Party Debates have foreshadowed the forthcoming Armageddon.

“Seven” Hester Sets Soldierz Aflame During Introductions

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Godammit, another fucking loss to the country’s largest exporter of cheese, and largest importer of fudge.

The problem wasn’t yardage.  The Pack gained 5.7 yards per play, the Bears 5.6.  The problem surprisingly wasn’t Cutler or our offensive line either.  The problem was that Green Bay ran 17 more plays (69-52) because they played keep away with the ball all day.  We lost the time of possession battle by 15 minutes – that’s like splitting time for the first 3 quarters, and then giving them the ball for the entire 4th quarter.  Add in our typical slow start against the Pack, Martz’s lopsided play calling and an inept receiving corps that couldn’t catch a pass if it were covered in partially dried elephant semen, and it’s a recipe for losebagedness (for definition, click link).

Young Bears Fans Practice Dropping Passes – Like Their Heroes

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If this was a game of “Clue,” I’d have to say the Butler did it in the Superdome with a candlestick.

The first 3 games our season (ATL, NO, GB) rate us as having the toughest starting schedule in the NFC.  No one would have been surprised if we started 0-3, so 1-1 wouldn’t seem all that bad – if we weren’t certain to be 1-2 after next week’s blowout at the hands of Green Bay.  We’ve supposedly got the 4th easiest schedule the rest of the way.  But the way we played Sunday, that’s like saying Michelle Bachman has a chance to win the Republican nomination because there’s no clear leader yet.

Cutler Trying to Separate his Helmet from the Turf

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September 11, 2011 was a special day in Chicago – and not just because the Bears became the front runner to win the Super Bowl.  Sunday’s game marked the 10-year anniversary of an historic event – one that has changed the lives of so many.  You may remember the Bears lost their first game of the 2001 season on Sunday, 9/9/01.  Two days later, two planes hit the twin towers, and the NFL postponed the next week’s games until 9/23.  And it was after the Bear’s victory over the Vikes in that first game back that I changed the world by writing my first official Bears article and emailing it to a lucky few of my closest Bear friends.

Ooooh, Pretty Colors!

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I don’t know why the media has caused such a hubbub, and why Bears fans don’t seem happy with last season’s performance.  We won our division and hosted the NFC title game, losing to the eventual Super Bowl winner.  Last time I checked, that’s a bronze medal in a 32-team tournament.  And we did it without an offensive line or top tier receiver, and with a new offensive scheme without the personnel for which it was designed.  I have to say I was quite pleased with the end result.  So I’m confused (and a little pissed off) by the seemingly general consensus that the Bears sucked.  So, as Rick Perry enjoys his 15 minutes, I’ll quote him and call the negative talk a “Ponzi” scheme. Read the rest of this entry »