Bear Down Baffa

TGIFFO:  Thank god it’s FINALLY fucking over.  When we look back on this season, it’ll be a blip on the radar, a year where no one will really remember what happened.  Like Seinfeld, it was a show about nothing.  The 2019 Bears didn’t really accomplish anything, right?  You’re .500 when the season starts.  If you wind up .500 when it ends, maybe you didn’t LITERALLY do nothing.  But metaphorically, and mathematically, you DID do nothing.  I mean, us fans all watched the games on TV, and yet we still finished the same number of games over .500 as the Bears.  So, I’m declaring that our blog – and all of our readers – have officially finished in a tie for 3rd place in the NFC North with the Bears at .500.

This is what our players did on Sunday when Viking
fans started chanting, “The Bears have a mangina!”

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I don’t really know what happened with the Bear’s game on Sunday night because I didn’t watch.  Instead, I did what normal people do on Sunday:  things that bring joy and fulfillment to their lives.  And so I cursed Nagy’s name, kicked an old lady in the shin, and told a child that Santa isn’t real (trust me, that kid will thank me later).  As for Mitchell Trubisky, he may be one of the nicest guys on the planet, but he’s definitely on Santa’s naughty list this year.  And so the jury is officially in on the Trubisky v. Mahomes debate.  Surprise!  GM Ryan “I Rebuild At A Snail’s” Pace traded up for the wrong guy.  Is it too late for Nancy Pelosi to impeach Pace for Christmas?

Even Stevie Wonder can see that Mahomes was the better pick

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If before this game I had told you that the Bears would gain 123 more yards than the Pack, kick 2 more FGs, punt 3 fewer times, have 2 WRs gain over 115 yards, and that A-A-Ron Rodgers would throw more incompletions than completions, after a fit of laughter, you would’ve called your bookie and put money on the Bears.  And you would’ve been dumb NOT to.  But as has been the case this entire season, it didn’t work out quite how it was supposed to.  And so the jury is in on Adrian “4 Years And $36M” Amos, who fled first class to GB this off-season:  he’s the smartest guy in the NFL right now, laughing all the way from the bank to the playoffs.  And no, I’m not the least bit fucking bitter.  But fuck him, and fuck the 2019 fucking Bears!

Playoff teams don’t give guys with the ball THIS much space

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There’s nothing like waiting until the halfway point of your season to start playing.  But that’s just what the Bears did this year, putting themselves in a 3-5 hole before they even got going.  Since then, though, they’ve managed to win 4 out of 5, keeping their season alive for at least another week.  And while they didn’t gain any ground in the playoff hunt, they did beat their first veteran starting QB in months, and they did it on the offensive side of the ball.  But because they waited so long to show up, none of it even matters if they don’t finish strong, like bull.  And get some help from other teams.  And maybe get some calls to go their way.  And a couple-two-tree opponent injuries.  And some luck.  Lots and lots of luck.

Is that mofo smiling for the camera MID-PLAY?!

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This season is confusing.  The Bears started by winning 3 of our first 4 games, then we lost 4 straight, and now we just won 3 out of 4 again.  And we’re back to right where we started, .500, for the 1st time since Oct.  But don’t get ready, or go to any trouble.  All we did is beat a backup QB, a rookie QB, and a backup rookie QB (we haven’t beaten a starter since Sept).  But we are doing all we can to get back in the mix.  And it continues tomorrow (Thurs) when we host Dallas for our 3rd game in 12 days.  Which is why this post is so late.  Also, we had to wait to see if MIN would lose to SEA on Monday night to know if it’d even be worth posting this week.  As it turns out, it was.

Lion defender (#25):  “There he goes, right there.  That’s
the QB who’s worse than all 3 QBs we’ve started this year.”

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It came a week after our season ended, but the Bears found a way to win for the 2nd time already in November after going winless in October.  But it changes nothing.  We beat a 2-8 team that’s lost 23 of their last 33 games.  We still gave up 14 points to a rookie QB, we only won by 5, and NYG kicker Aldrick “And No Drock” Rosas missed 2 FGs!  So, eh.  Big whoop.  We’re still short a kicker, a TE, an O-Line, and a QB.  So our season’s still over.  This was arguably the least exciting win our blog has covered.  AND it’s about to get unbearably cold in Chicago.  So, it’s just like, whatever, man.  Call me when you find a QB.  Anybody got Kaepernick’s number?

Trubisky ran for one TD and threw for another.
Here he is, showing us how much his hip hurts.

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It’s not rare for the Bears to be eliminated from playoff contention this early in the season.  It’s also not rare for us to have a QB controversy, to fall short of expectations, or for fans to call for both our GM and Head Coach’s heads.  But it’s GOT to be a first to have that happen all at once, while we’re also paying some dickhead $3.5M to NOT kick for us while our ACTUAL kicker is an even bigger dickhead!  What more can God throw at us, Bear Nation?!  Just when we all thought “Squi‘s” “double doink” was as bad as it gets, cut to Eddy “70 Percent” Pineiro’s “double wide.”  70% of the time, he misses every time.

Pineiro:  “In the name of the father, the son,
and the holy shit, I hope I don’t miss this!”

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I have to admit, I didn’t see the Bears winning this week, even considering Detroit sat Matthew Stafford for a backup QB with only 176 NFL passes.  I also didn’t see the Troubador out-playing him.  But both of those things happened on Sunday.  Though neither was by much, they both did happen.  So color me surprised, Mr. 14-2 over here.  We still stink, and we’re headed nowhere fast, but we took a step forward nonetheless.  And at least our team’s “charitable foundation” wasn’t fined $2M this week.  I mean, that would really put a fork in us, wouldn’t it?  Not to mention we’re gonna need every dollar we’ve got for free agency this off-season.   So, all things considered, it’s been a solid week.

Why’d we win?  I’d like to submit this pic as exhibit A, your honor.

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Don’t look now, but the Bears have become good at something:  losing close games.  We’ve lost our last 4 by a total of 23 points, an average of just under 2 FGs.  To some, that’s a reason for optimism.  But Trubisky took another step back, starting with 5 straight 3-and-outs.  This put our D on the field twice as long as our O, which enabled Philly to gain over 200 yards in the 1st half, as our defense committed 6 penalties.  The Eagles scored on their first 3 drives, ran out to a 19-0 lead, and saddled us with our 5th loss.  The Bears are now like Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria – we’ve gone 11 months without power.  And our only hope is if we can get Trump to toss us some paper towels soon.

They beat us when WE had Howard, and then they beat us
when THEY had Howard.  And we had Mack BOTH times!

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The Chicago Bears got problems.  And like the Chicago teachers’ strike, we on the outside have no idea if they even know what’s wrong, let alone if they’re anywhere near fixing it.  The Chargers had lost 3 straight, and 5 of 6.  They were just the team we wanted coming off of our own 2-game slump.  And we ALMOST did enough, but we left it in the hands of our kicker.  And like Robbie “I Lost 3 Games in 2015 Alone” Gould and Cody “Squi” Parkey before him, Eddy “Funny Money” Pineiro missed at the buzzer, costing us the game, and ostensibly, our season.  But Pineiro only makes half a mil, whereas the other 2 made almost 4.  So while we might have lost, we did do it at a savings.

Not only do I miss Gould, but I even miss Parkey right now

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NFL fans aren’t typically very bright, but I’ve got to be the dumbest amongst them for saying the Bears would dominate in 2019.  Instead, they’ve gone hero to zero in just a few weeks.  Sure, we’re still alive at 3-3, just like last year.  But Trubisky was decent back then.  Now he’s fucking AWFUL.  And he’s getting worse before our very eyes!  You can actually see the ability melting off of him, like those Nazis’ faces in Raiders of the Lost Ark.  At least the Nazis got to see the Ark before their contract ended.  We’re stuck with this douche nozzle for another 26 games.  Man, those lucky Nazi bastards!

And you thought Cutler looked aloof?!

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Well this season isn’t going the way a lot of us expected.  Coming off 3 straight wins, the Bears traveled light to London, leaving their mojo back in Chicago.  That’s a long way to go without your mojo, and if you ask me, the Bears got off easy.  We only lost by 3 (24-21), and we actually had the lead for almost the entire 4th quarter.  But the score doesn’t accurately represent how this game went.  This was an ass-whopping from top to bottom by “Captain And” Khalil Mack’s former team, the Raiders.  And while we were playing with backup QB, Daniel “Two First Names” Chase, it was our once dependable D who (like Biden’s son) really deserves the blame here.

Like expired Immodium, the Bears just couldn’t stop the runs

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Back in the saddle, baby!  The Bears are on fire after winning their 3rd straight.  And this week we did it with depth.  Missing 6 (yes, SIX!) starters, we came away with 6 sacks and 2 takeaways, holding Minnesota to just 6 points, as our backup QB led the offense to 16.  And to top it all off, everyone else in our division lost, moving us from the cellar to a tie for 1st place with GB at 3-1.  As I’m sure Trump can attest, 4 days – and an appearance by Chase “Stormy” Daniel – can really change your perspective on things!

Chase was greeted more warmly by the
Vikes’ defense than he was by Bear fans

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Now THAT’S who I THOUGHT we were!  5 takeaways, 4 sacks, and a defensive TD – that’s what I expected this year (but every week).  It took the Bears 3 weeks, but once it broke open, the turnovers came in droves.  We scored early, and often, running out to a 28-0 lead before halftime.  The Troubador threw 3 TDs in the 2nd quarter, all caught by Taylor “Swift Is Hotter Than Peter” Gabriel (who also caught 3 non-TDs).  It was a laugher!  The Skins turned it over more than a short-order cook who moonlights as a blackjack dealer – and they didn’t even ask for dirt on their political opponents for it.  Those idiots!  And the Bears blindly accepted it, like the American people and a whistleblower’s testimony.  No, the Impeachment Inquiry wasn’t the only farce in Washington this week.  #Free Trump!

Before you crown Gabriel king, those 3 TDs are more than he had
all last year.  Also, the crown would be way too big for his tiny head.

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Wow!  The Bears pulled off one of the biggest heart-attack wins in team history in Denver on Sunday.  And in doing so, they saved our season!  You can’t start off 0-2 and win a Super Bowl, people.  And not only did this game come down to the last play, it was the Bears coming back after giving up the lead with just 31 seconds left.  And it was Eddy “You Can Spell Your Last Name However The Fuck You Want To Now” Pineiro who won it for us!  And then Pineiro said Jesus is real, and that everybody better believe in Him.  He went from zero-to-hero-and-back-again so quickly that even Jesus said, “Jesus Christ, that bitch needs to shut his mouth!  He’s making Tim Tebow look cool!”

Eddy “Money” Pineiro just got himself 2 tickets to paradise!

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Ow.  If this game was on a Sunday, I’d have called in sick on Monday.  I needed a few days to regroup and recupe after witnessing that slow, trudging, painful death Thursday night.  Like a bullfight, everyone groaned at least once as the Bears slowly bled out, frothing confusedly, and sporadically flailing just to maintain some kind of posture.  And then came the matador’s sword, which was acquired just a few months ago for $36M – and from our back yard.  Former-Bear Adrian “How You Like Me NOW?!” Amos (the very player I called out last week for lacking “ball skills,” and who’s departure I said would lead to more turnovers – for US) picked off the Troubadour in the end zone to seal it.  Oh, the irony.  It smarts like getting hit over the head with a lock-in-a-sock.  And for some reason, I simply can’t shake the feeling that our season just got “Whitey Bulgered.”

Things are certainly not looking up for Chicago this week

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It’s been exactly 8 months since the Bears were about to win a playoff game.  And if it wasn’t for “Squi,” we might still be celebrating a Supa Bow victory.  But instead, our squad is pissed, and ready to take someone’s head off as soon as a whistle blows.  And with the talent (FINALLY), a scheme to which it’s perfectly suited, and a chip the size of Denali on their shoulders, there is nothing to stop the Bears from winning SB54.  Yup, this is the year we’ve been waiting for, folks.  Since Cutler rode that bike on the sidelines as we lost the NFC championship 8 LONG years ago.  And this isn’t just some “homer” talking.  I’ve been writing this blog for 18 years, and I always start the year thinking we’re gonna bring home the Lombardi.  But this year, I actually mean it!

Yeah, I didn’t go either

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