Much like watching a critically wounded bear in the wilderness of Minnesota snuff and puff, and pant and twist, and writhe in pain as the life slowly and methodically trickles out of it with each drop of blood, each breath becoming more difficult than the last, it’s soft, half-hearted moans hidden by the winter’s rustling leaves beneath, as it stumbles from tree to tree, down to its knees, until it eventually comes crashing down with an ungraceful thud that rocks the ground for acres, our season finally – FINALLY – died last night. And I, for one, don’t give a rat’s ass.
Our season is now officially, mathematically, aesthetically, philosophically, morally, biologically, habitually and for all practical and/or intensive purposes therefore hither unto and so on, done. After advancing to our first Supa Bow in 21 years just 10 measly months ago, the Bears become the latest flash in the pan Super Bowl loser to miss the playoffs their following season. Webster’s has actually added the phrase “Super Bowl Hangover” to its dictionary list, defining it as: “When an NFL team loses the Supa Bowl one year and sucks the big one the next.”
To be honest, I didn’t want to win Monday night. Showing up with Orton written on anything with the words “starting” and “lineup” is an embarrassment – it’s almost the equivalent of forfeiting the game. Let’s face it; this kid is a three-legged horse with two broken legs. We did not make the drive up to Minnesota to win. And why would we? What good would a meaningless win do us now? But they caught my attention during a pre-game show with a graphic that read that a Bears loss would eliminate them from playoff contention. Wait, weren’t we already out of it? A quick check of the standings (my apologies for not updating them, as I was on an 11-day bender in the 51st state of this great country, denial) revealed that if we had won Monday, we would be a single game out of the Wild Card race.
So like the cow on the side of the road in the movie “Me, Myself & Irene,” our season refused to die. It just kept breathing, sucking just enough air in its sporadic gasps to stay alive. And then MLB Brian Urlacher (you may remember him from glorious seasons past) returned from Mars (or Pittsburgh) and brought two early turnovers with him. I was doing cartwheels on my furniture and ripping the head off of my Fran Tarkenton doll. Wait, I have a Fran Tarkenton doll? And then Minnesota failed to tie the game with a missed extra point. It was just the lucky break we needed. And just like a heroin addict drawn back to the needle, the ’07 Bears had me jonesing for more heartbreak, giving us yet another reason to buy back into their post season dream. We were leading what turned out to be the last Wild Card team on the road in the fourth quarter.
But then we let them march down the field like it was a practice game for 65 yards and a go-ahead TD. And the only trick we had left up our sleeve was a piece of lint known as Kyle “I Don’t Believe in Personal Grooming” Orton. And much like my high school quarterbacking days when coach would instruct me to throw it up on 4th and long because it was less risky than attempting a punt, he heaved up a pass that looked like it was headed nowhere it was intended to go. But almost miraculously, it fell just inches away from being caught and tying the game with a minute left. And as B Twice (or as I like to call him, Drop Twice) typically does when he’s not making game saving catches, he waited for the ball to come to him FedEx instead of going to get it at the post office like good “receivers” do, and those inches were filled with the hands of – you guessed it – a Viking defender. And we lost. But come on, who was I kidding? Our season has been over since September – a “weak” four loss that left us 1 – 3. And at home, alone, on prom night, with a wilted boutonniere left over from last year. Lucky us.
Super Bowl, Super…Whatever…
© 2007
Bear Down Baffa 
Wed, Dec 19, 2007 at 12:27 pm |
Where do I start? At least I can watch the rest of the season without any lingering hopes of getting our brains beat in in the playoffs. Just a few things I took from the embarrassment of the MNF game.
1. We need to fire Ron “I play WAY too much Madden football” Turner asap. 1:38 left in the game, 2nd down on our 45 and he calls a bomb from Orton to BB to the end zone?? This might work from Brady to Moss or in Tecmo Bowl but not from a QB who hasn’t played in a hundred and some quarters to a guy who misses more passes than he catches. Orton’s quote from that play: “I thought we had a good look for it and a good chance. The guy made a nice play on the ball and I probably didn’t put it out there far enough.” You PROBABLY didn’t put it out there far enough? I thought he did a decent job “managing the game” as the analysts like to say but in the end, the play calling was terrible as usual.
2a. The refs sucked Schwetty Balls. Peanut got called for hitting Jackson out of bounds (which he did) but Jackson pulled the old “I’m a QB who is supposed to run out of bounds at the end of a play but instead I’m going fake it and try to get some more yards” deal. The refs should protect the QB but in this case he’s open game. If you don’t slide or run out of bounds, you deserve to be jacked up. Tilman only hit him to make sure he was out of bounds and it wasn’t even that hard of a hit.
2b. The refs sucked Schwetty Balls II. When Orton got called for Intentional Grounding, I thought Jaws was going to blow a gasket. What a miserable call. The pass just didn’t go as far as Kyle wanted it to but Berrian was down the field on the exact vector, Victor. Blown call and the ref should be fined.
3. The O line was truly offensive with all the false starts and other penalties that were called on them. I believe now that all the snap fumbles of Grossman, Griese, and Orton are Olin Kreutz’ fault. I don’t think all 3 QBs are butterfingers (sucky QBs yes, butterfingers no). Time to relearn how to snap Mr. Pro Bowl.
4. Holding “THE Adrian Peterson” to only 78 yards was, in Borat’s words “Very nice!”. His 2 TDs, not so nice.
So with the season finally over, I can relax and enjoy the Fighting Illini trounce USC in the Rose Bowl and still get some satisfaction of a winning team in Illinois.
Looking forward to see how we screw up Draft Day,
Razy
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Wed, Dec 19, 2007 at 6:11 pm |
Razy,
You had me for the first 1,847 words – and then you mentioned the Illini, and lost me. Why you would go from a pristine diamond – even though it’s covered in a truckload of maneur right now – that is the Chicago Bears organization to a dried up, crusty, moldy, gag-reflex-inducing, black-headed pimple on the ass of Fat Bastard’s “big” brother? As I said the other day, and as Terrence Howard said in Crash, “you embarrass me, you embarrass yourself.”
Secondly, I don’t mind going long at the minute-and-a-half point. The odds were against us going that far a little at a time anyway, why not air it out before they expect it and have 6 defenders back there? If you remember, there were only 2 Vikings, both of whom D Twice had beaten. Had Orton thrown it 3 yards deeper, we tie the game on the catch. Doesn’t really matter though, cuz we would have then lost it when Minnie drove 86 yards in under a minute on 3 carries by Any Day Peterson for the winning score with time expiring.
Correct on the Intentional Grounding call. If you remember, we had another penalty on that play, but the IG is a loss of down. So that call did really screw us. A bad QB should be allowed a certain margin of error on throws, added to which he was touched before releasing the ball. But in the grand scheme of things, it probably didn’t matter. He sucks, we suck, and you suck.
You are bang on that Ron Turner is god-awful. He is worse than Orton. The only way we score FEWER points is if they switch roles, or if you fill in for either of them.
Also good call on Kreutz and the 3 stooges. As much as I love that guy, he needs to start from scratch and rebuild before next season.
Not counting a couple late, late runs by Peterson, we had him held to under 50 yards on 20 carries, which was about what he had last time we played him before he broke free on those 2 big runs late runs in Chgo.
As always, thanks for reading and responding, bro. And even though neither of us believes in him, Merry Christmas and may the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you and your non-believing family.
Bear down!
bdb editor
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Wed, Dec 19, 2007 at 7:24 pm |
I keep thinking a couple of thoughts is more than enough but then the blood starts boiling and I go a little overboard. Anyhow, no one is reading anyway so this is like you and me conversing via Facebook or something. Just jokes bro. Good column as usual and had me laughing out loud at a few (very few of course) comments. I know you’ll finish out the season, unlike the Bears it seems, so I’ll keep reading. At least you got one person still reading. And like your last relationship with those gay guys who broke up with you…it’s not you, it’s us.
Razy
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Thu, Dec 20, 2007 at 12:07 am |
I’m not one to say “I told you so”, but as I wrote on this site, it was apparent this team was not good VERY early on. Remember back to week 1 in sunny San Diego, when Tommie Harris sacked Rivers before the ball was even snapped and we had the lead late in that game. We eventually lost, but folks were satisified with the defense–plus that matchup foreshadowed the Super Bowl, right?
The Bears couldn’t score that game, and either they couldn’t score in other games or couldn’t stop the other team and weren’t generating turnovers like last year.
What changed? That’s the $69,000 question. I’m not sure. Here’s some possibilities:
* Our running game minus Thomas Jones was not enough for opposing defenses to focus to open up the pass. Early in 2006, we threw deep with success because teams were so run-oriented defensively. With CBenson, they could play the pass more. Plus Rex Grossman under pressure, is like….
* Without Tank Johnson in the middle, you lose the intangible, although subliminal, threat that he just may bring the cavalry after the game should the Bears lose. This season, with the opposition not worried about getting shot up after the game, there was no reason to just mail it in. Sort of like the enforcer in hockey.
If you tell me that’s a poor explanation for why the Bears sucked this year vis-a-vis last season, I can’t disagree with you.
I hate to say this, because it’s going to sound like I’m joking, only I’m dead serious: but what needs to happen is Mark Baffa needs to walk on Vince Papale style next season as QB. He’s certainly not too old, in fact, he would bring more experience than Rex Grossman. C’mon he can’t be any worse than Henry Burris! Mark I would buy a ticket and make the trip if you were to suit up.
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Thu, Dec 20, 2007 at 7:05 am |
Wow, a call for me to bring my gunslinger arm out of retirement after almost 20 years? Trust me when I tell you I’m no Vinny Testaverde. And although I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to do so, even for free, the Bears simply aren’t interested in me anymore. There was a time when maybe I could have called the signals, but that time has passed – like a juicy BM.
Bear down!
bd07 editor
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Fri, Dec 21, 2007 at 6:14 am |
This shit has been the best bathroom literature I’ve read in years (and yes the laptop comes with me to my throne). I’ve gotten more enjoyment out of this beardown blog than my People magazine filled with Britney Spears’ crotch shots! I know this is the one and only time I’ll ever comment, but jeez, Nummy Ears, you missed your calling–I’m waiting to see your name on a best-seller list. I have laughed, cried, coughed and even peed my panties over the past 5 months. Even though da Bears had a horrid season, your blog made it worth it. Love ya, dude!!
JAZ
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