Bear Down Baffa

The king is dead.  Long live the king!

Bret Fahrerverveh passed his legendary QB torch Sunday, and stepped down from the game of football out of shame for being out-played by a QB punk, Kyle “Backin’ Up and Supportin” Orton, who likes his liquor and hates his razor.  And much like relinquishing his throne to his son, if only he were drafted by the Bears and determined to a fault to grow a beard, Kyle “Whiskey Snortin” Orton accepted it along with the trophy for winning the Wisconsin State Football Championship in Sunday’s dominance of the Green Bay Fudge Packers.  And like a courtship with the toilet after a painkiller binge that left you constipated, this meaningless game brought some much needed relief to the Super Fan nation. 

As one man ends an heroic career, another begins with its first blossom.  And Kyle “Scorin’ and Cavortin” Orton is just getting started.  This kid is the next Joe Montana.  Going 8 for 14 (57%), breaking the 100 yard mark by a yard, and managing to lead his team to 35 points crushed Favre’s 17 for 32 (53%) for 153.  Wait, how is that?  I’m glad you asked.  Favre was a mere 2 for 7 in the first half, and only after throwing his first pass of the second for an INT and falling behind 14 points did he manage to throw somewhat effectively (15 of his final 24).  But that was against a soft Bear coverage protecting an increasingly large lead.  Kyle “Gusty Wind Ignorin” Orton, on the other hand, started 3 for 3 (each for at least 10 yards) on the Bears 18-play, ten and a half minute scoring drive.  And Kyle “End Zone Courtin” Orton headed to half-time 6 for 11 with 3 scores on 6 first-half drives. 

In the second half, Kyle “Receiver Consortin” Orton was almost perfect, needing only go 2 of 3 for 13 yards, his final pass being a 3-yard TD to Des Clark – with 23 minutes still left in the game.  He also threw the 2-yard 2-pt conversion pass to Greg Olsen, but that does not count toward QB stats (if it had, he’d have finished 60%).  Cool as the Fonze on a drag strip, Kyle “D-back Extortin” Orton didn’t lift his arm the rest of the game.  And he did all this, mind you, in the worst weathered game of Favre’s ancient career, when Mr. QB himself was horrible.  I don’t think the city can fully appreciate what a miracle the gift that Kyle “Pigskin Transportin” Orton is this holiday season, as he moves to 11 – 6 as a Bears starter.  Kyle “Victory Importin” Orton can no longer be hidden from the front pages; I’m telling you, this kid is the next Tom Brady.

And though our season’s death is old enough to start smelling ripe, for the second week in a row, the Bears looked like the mighty team that has been a beast in the NFC lo these many years.  The team said it’s put the ’07 season behind them, and that they’ve begun playing the ’08 season these last two games.  I’d like to note that our staff, however, will remain posting on beardown2007 until the entire season concludes.  But for the first time I can recall this year, our offensive line dominated.  In addition, our defense seems to have somehow rebounded.  Hester hardly contributed, which makes the lop-sided score seem all the more improbable.  In a season some said could be Favre’s career best and one in which the Bear defense has played a collective career worst, almost everything that happened Sunday was the complete opposite of what you’d expect based on the season to this point.  And I’m talking up and down the field, all over the box score, and most importantly the scoreboard. 

The Bears led in every statistic (except for shitty plays) for the first time all year, and if you take away a 66-yard run by GB, played a close-to-perfect game.  And they just happened to do it against the second-rated team in the NFC, a team that is 12 – 1 not counting its 2 losses to Chicago.  I still can’t figure it out.  It was as if Favre were wearing a leather vest and buttless chaps, and was the Bears’ bitch on Sunday.  I can’t say I blame him for stepping away from the game, especially after I painted that image of him.  And when the Bears were done with him, they went on to beat the Packer fans, with Peanut Tilman once running into the stands to take out a five-year-old and his mother on a single play.  It is interesting to note that both were wearing Favre jerseys, both had cheese in their hands, and both were obese.  Tilman, btw, just missed being picked for Supa Bowl Shuffle lyrics this week, again.  I feel kinda bad for the guy; he’s one of few Bears who’ve played well this whole season.

On a side note to the first of two black Christian head coaches in the Supa Bowl, Lovie Smith:  Sir, I think you need to put down the bible for a minute and re-read your contract.  If I had a nickel for every time you said you would beat Green Bay, I could afford a beer at Soldierz Field.  But you’re not here to beat Green Bay exclusively.  In fact, beating them is no more relevant than anyone else on our roster if you win a Super Bowl.  And that, Sir, should be your single, solitary goal.  If you win 5 Super Bowls while losing 10 straight regular season games to Green Bay, trust me, you’re not going to lose your job.  And screw anyone who would rather beat GB than win a SB.  So stay focused, stay black and always ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”

Super Bowl (’09!), Super Orton!

Also, note our special holiday greeting from Coach Ditka, our editor and a couple “friends of the blog:”   elfyourself.com/DitkaHolidayGreeting 

© 2007

This entry was posted on Wed, Dec 26, 2007 at 7:38 pm and is filed under n) 2007 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.