Bear Down Baffa

Houston, we have a problem.  The Farvrhvhrefh-less pack just ripped a whole in the Bear’s heat shield, and the Bears may not have enough oxygen to make it back home.  You’d have thought that with their Fonzie gone, Green Bay would be slacking.  But either Richie Cunningham picked up right where he left off, or the Bears have become Potsie.  And neither one of those scenarios bodes well for Chicago. 

37-3 is catastrophic – at least for those of us not in the fudge packing union (local #213).  Those fudge packers really jammed it in there on us.  And if they pack fudge the way they played on Sunday, they are fudge packing masters to whom we should all bow and pay fudge packing homage.  They packed more fudge in each quarter than we did all game, out-packing us 12 times over.  I read on a rival blog that they had to tap their fudge reserves.  Word on the street is that someone from Bush’s administration was responsible for managing the fudge supply.

So exactly how does a team with this kind of defensive talent get destroyed like that?  It was like the Bears brought a pair of sneakers to a nuclear arms race.  They got blown out like a worn tire on a unicycle ridden over a bed of nails by Aretha Franklin with Tony Soprano eating a canoli on her back.  I mean, they got they ass whooped like Hellen Keller wearing a straight-jacket in a UFC match.  And for the first time since we’ve ridden the Love Boat to Lambeau, the Lovie Smith Bears not only come home losers, but they came home like a skinny white dude after his first night in prison – tattered, bloodied, broken – and somebody’s bitch.  I say everybody in the locker room drops his uniform pants, turns his head to the right, reaches to the left and coughs, because it looks like we’re not playing with the requisite number of balls.

This game brought a lot of firsts for the Bears. Evidently Mike Brown decided to show up for the first time this year.  The corn-rolling brotha laid it down like an oil rig the day after the ban on off-shore drilling was repealed – on one hit, he looked like he would literally come out on the other side of the guy.  It was also Lovie’s first time facing someone other than Bret “Fuck You Packers!” Favre.  It was the first time we actually tried to stop the pass this year (which we failed to do), and the first time we failed to stop the run. Urlacher got his first pick.  It was the first time we’d scored that few points since opening day last year.  It was the first time we didn’t have a shot to win all year.  It was the first time we didn’t look like a football team that practiced before the game.  And it was the first time I cried myself to sleep since I found out the rumor McMahon was coming back was made-up.  Boy, you got me good on that one.  Way to go, Mom!

The bad news is we’re a 10-6 team on paper, but a 6-10 team on execution.  That means we’ll be lucky to go 8-8.  The good news is somehow we’re still in a 3-way tie for first place with 6 games left – none of which is against a team with a winning record.  But with the way we played this week, I don’t think there’s anything that can help us – that is other than a tornado touching down in St. Louis at game time on Sunday.  And there’s always the chance that the Bears don’t show up out of embarrassment.  I think Lovie said it best, with the eloquence of Obama, “We suck so bad right now, we couldn’t get a job as a backup fluffer.”

Super Bowl my ass!

© 2008

This entry was posted on Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 10:25 pm and is filed under m) 2008 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.