Bear Down Baffa

In the 35 days leading up to Sunday, two things hadn’t happened:  a 6-year old boy named Falcon Heene did not go for a joyride in a shiny balloon, and the Chicago Bears hadn’t lost a game.  Not only did both of these stories involve a flying object, the name Falcon, and the love and support of America’s hearts, but they both ended this weekend – in betrayal.  One was a conniving, despicable and criminal act that may call for some jail time, the other a simple hoax put on by a family looking for attention. 

“Penalties and turnovers in the red zone,” was Al Michael’s surprising summation at the end of the game.  It was surprising in its accuracy, its brevity, and its breadth; precisely capturing the entire 60 minute game in 7 words, but also because it came from a guy who hasn’t said anything worth quoting since 1980.  Yeah, we’re angry, and we’re taking it out on the commentators.

There are two things you don’t do in the red zone in the NFL:  commit penalties or turn the ball over.  And the Bears managed both.  Among their 9 penalties and 3 turnovers, 3 were inside the Falcon 5.  The culprits in this mischief, all of whom should be sentenced to a nap in a box in the attic, were Jay “the Butler” Cutler (threw an INT at the 5), Matt “Hanging Onto the Ball When I’m on the Goal Line Isn’t Really My” Forte (back to back fumbles on the goal line), and Orlando “If You Go On One I’ll Keep the” Pace (false start on 4^th and 1 from the Falcon 5 with 30 seconds left in the game).

These are clearly the reasons we lost this game.  Individually, they’re excusable.  Combined, they’re unbearable.  Jim “I’m the Pudgy QB Known as” Miller took the metaphorical route, saying the Bears repeatedly “shot themselves in the foot.”  He did follow that up by saying that the red zone scores “will come with time.”  But he also once said we should “strap open the party boots” when the Bears won a big game, so I don’t know if his command of the mental to verbal process is too sound.  Mike North was a little more direct when he said we “shit the proverbial bed.”  He later recanted, saying he didn’t know what the word “proverbial” meant, and that he mistakenly shat his own bed the night before.

The Cutler Supremacy
Jay Cutler Supreme’s numbers were decent, considering the result:  27 of 43 (62.8%) for 300 yds, 2 TD, 2 INT, 79.6 QBR.  And they were better than the Falcon’s Matt Ryan: 19 of 33 (57.6%) for 185 yds, 2 TD, 2 INT, 68.4 QBR.  Cutler basically beat him by 8 of 10 for 115 yards.  And though it was a sub-par game, and he was sacked twice, he was our leading rusher.  And he won the triple crown of rushing, leading in total yards (34), yards per carry (11.3) and longest run of the day (30).  It’s a sad state of affairs when the slowest 230 pound white boy on the field leads your team in running the ball.

Aside from the final score, though, virtually all the numbers were in the Bear’s favor.  From time of possession (+7:48), to total yardage (373 – 253), average gain per rush (3.6 – 3.0) and per pass (6.4 – 5.6), first downs (21 – 16), third down efficiency (56% – 42%), total plays (68 – 56), penalty yards (70 – 65), and punts inside the 20 (3 – 0).  That’s “virtually” all, however.  Matt Forte probably had his worst NFL game, going a piddly 23 yds on 15 carries – a 1.5 yd average.  That’s 1.5 more per carry than 70 year old Coach Ditka, and he didn’t even play.  At that rate, we’d need 7 plays to get a first down.  Incidentally, Da Coach also faked going for a ride in a balloon this weekend.  But that turned out to be a good thing because Hurricane Ditka came by and swept it into oblivion.

14-2, it’ll come true! 

Super Bowl, Super Bears! 

© 2009

This entry was posted on Tue, Oct 20, 2009 at 7:40 am and is filed under l) 2009 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.