Bear Down Baffa

The Bears said good-bye to third place for the first time since 9/18, and hello to global domination.  In the time between the National Transitional Council taking Libya’s seat at the UN and the National Liberation Army sticking an unidentified object up Muammar Gaddafi’s soon-to-be-dead ass, we crawled our way back into a tie for second place.  Despite coming off a short week and the Lions coming off a bye, the Bears devoured the Lions like Oprah getting after an ice cream cake with a shitty book underneath it.

Lion fans fall back into familiar territory – embarrassment

So much for that dominant Monday night Lion win in the Motor City a month ago.  Since then (when we were 3 games back in week 5), the Lions have gone 1-3 and the Bears 4-0.  There are now only 5 NFL teams with more wins than us, and 3 of them have played an extra game.  And there are only 2 NFL teams (9-0 GB and 8-1 SF) that lead us by more than 1 game.  I think my feelings are best described by the chorus of one of the greatest songs of my, or any other, generation:  “We are the Bears Shuffling Crew, shuffling on down, doing it for you…”

DJ Moore delights teammates with his SBS during pre-game warm-ups

“Turning Over” a New Leaf
Coming into this game, Detroit had only turned the ball over 5 times in 8 games.  But the ferocious Bears D tallied 6 take-aways.  Two early fumble recoveries were just the start, as we intercepted Matthew Stafford 4 times in the second half, doubling his picks on the season.  It was also the first time in almost two years that he threw multiple picks in a game.

Pep strips Calvin Johnson of the ball – and his dignity

The Bears ran out to a 10-0 lead thanks to the defense forcing fumbles on Detroit’s first two possessions.  Urlacher returned the first one 17 yards to Detroit’s 20, leading to a TD on our opening drive for the second week in a row.  And the second led to a FG on our second drive, marking only the second time we’ve scored on our first two drives all season.

Urlacher returning fumble while Detroit’s Raiola (#51) does “Kneeling Macarena”

Then special teams took their turn as we scored 10 more points in the second quarter thanks to Seven “Why Do They Still Kick To Me” Hester.  He returned Detroit’s first punt 29 yards to midfield which led to a FG.  And then he took the second punt 82 yards to the house less than four minutes later, putting us up 20-0.

Like taking candy from a baby – who’s blind, deaf and has no arms

And if you didn’t think the game was over then (perhaps due to the Lions feeble 6-point come back), you were most assuredly convinced four minutes into the second half when the defense took over the scoring again.  Major Wright intercepted Stafford’s first pass of the half and took it back 24 yards for his first career pick-6.

Wright went in as untouched as Sandusky’s wife in the past 20 years

And then to complete the sodomization, Peanut Tillman picked off Stafford three passes later and returned it 44 yards for another TD.  This put us up by 4 TD’s and closed the book on Detroit’s chances – though the Lions did resort to cheap-shotting to keep it interesting.

Peanut getting a different type of nut

Yardage Schmardage
We scored our first 10 points just 10 minutes into the game while gaining only 39 net yards offensively.  At the 20-point mark, less than a minute into the second quarter, we had only 74 net yards.  And after scoring our 34th point in the game’s 34th minute, we had only 141 yards.  That’s an average of 1 point every minute, or every 4 yards gained.  But by that point, our defense had 85 yards on turnover returns, and Hester had 122 on punt returns, for a total of 207 non-offensive yards – all on just 6 plays.  Detroit was out-scored separately by each of our three phases.

Lions Coach Schwartz – scratching my balls

You Stay Classy, San Diego
Things started to get ugly when Detroit’s Ndamukong “I’m the Biggest Asshole in the NFL” Suh ripped the Butler’s helmet off on a tackle targeting his head with the Bears up 20-3 in the second quarter.  He also shoved Cutler down long after he’d released a pass, and then pushed him late out of bounds on the next play at the end of the half.  I wouldn’t say it to his face, but what a sack of douches.

Cutler watches his helmet travel through space and time

But they didn’t stop there.  Toward the end of the third quarter, Suh’s rookie counterpart Nick “It’s Fairly Obvious I Suck” Fairley slammed Cutler to the ground in our end zone, also well after he released a pass.  It drew a flag, which does next to nothing with a 31-point lead, but it was dirty as well as dangerous (think Charles Martin on Jim McMahon).

Cutler telling Detroit D-lineman to stop in the name of love after whollop

And then they took it to another level.  After throwing his 3rd pick in less than 15 minutes, the classless Stafford yanked DJ Moore (over whom he has a 6-inch, 50-pound size advantage) down by his helmet during the return.

PMS-ing Stafford taking out frustrations on Moore’s head

Moore took exception to this and jumped on Stafford, who curled up into the fetal position and played dead.  This led to a sideline-clearing brawl.  And whooh, boy, that escalated quickly.  I mean that really got outta hand fast.  It jumped up a notch.  There were horses and a man on fire, and Brick killed a guy.

Even the ball boys got in on the fracas
* Note Coach Schwartz (again) acting like he’s a bad ass but staying out of the melee

Moore was ejected and later said, “If you’re going to grab my helmet and threaten my career, I’m going to come after you.  When you are going after my livelihood, my neck, and you’re trying to hurt me, I just can’t let that go.”  And he certainly didn’t.  Even Jim “I Bet I Will, Chris” Rome supported the retribution: “I think you can add throwing a guy to the ground by his facemask to the list of ‘reasons to go.’  And DJ went – hard.”

Moore being escorted off field (to cheers) to spare Detroit further ass kicking

The Best Offense is a Good Defense
Martz’s play calling wasn’t a factor.  Neither was Cutler (9 of 19 for 123 yards, 0 TD’s, 0 INT’s, 68.5 QBR) or even Forte.  Though he scored our first TD, Forte gained only 64 yards on 18 carries (3.6 average), 40 of which came on one run after we were up by 28.  We netted a season-low 216 yards and allowed 2 sacks.  But all the offense had to do was watch the show and avoid turning it over, which we did only once – thanks to FB Tyler “Don’t Let The First Name Distract You” Clutts running into the Butler as he was handing off.  That was the only time in 16 drives that Detroit started with a short field (at our 19), and even then our defense held them to a FG.

Cutler spent much of the game talking to himself in the tunnel as everyone but him was scoring

Defense
We allowed over 400 yards and 4.6 per play but we were protecting a big lead for three quarters.  And despite that, we kept Detroit out of the end zone for 55 minutes.  Stafford completed 33 passes for 329 yards, but he threw it 63 times for a 46.3 QBR – his lowest in 12 games.  The cheapshot artist did complete a late TD, but even a blind squirrel can find its own nuts if he gets 63 tries.  And he was just 2 of 18 from inside the red zone.  The biggest pussy on the field daintily wore a glove on his throwing hand despite it being 67 degrees, claiming it was to overcome the wind and not because of the finger he fractured by getting it caught in his vagina.

Stafford blamed wind, not glove or Bear defense, for dismal performance

Calvin “Megatron” Johnson played more like “Smegma-tron,” getting trapped under the foreskin that was the wet Detroit offense.  Despite being targeted 19 times, he played his worst game of the year.  He had 7 catches for 81 yards (20 below his average), but failed to get into the end zone for only the second time this season.  He also fumbled for the first time in almost 2 years and 130 catches.  He did have a 40-yard catch that gave Detroit a first down at our 23, but our D strapped it down and didn’t allow any points.

“Smegma-tron” pouting like a little bitch

Peanut Tillman not only had another great game, but he’s having another great year, as he’s on pace for a career best 6.5 tackles per game.  He virtually shut down Johnson, had 5 tackles, 3 pass defenses, and he tied Mike Brown and Bennie McRae for the Bears record with his fourth career pick-6.  His 28 interceptions also ranks fourth on the Bears all-time list.

Peanut was on the Lions receiving corps like Sandusky on adolescent ass

But he’s not the only Bear CB having a stellar year, as Tim Jennings is quietly tearing it up on the other side.  I’ve almost mentioned his play a few times this season, but the little big man forced me to this week.  At 5’8”, he’s out-sized by just about everyone he covers.  But he led the Bears with 10 tackles, tying his career best over three years ago, got his second Bears pick, and forced and recovered a fumble.  He’s also on pace for a career best 5.9 tackles per game.

Iddy-biddy Jennings slew the Lions’ Goliath

And they weren’t the only DB’s getting in on the sodomy.  Major Wright and Corey Graham each got their second career picks.  It was Wright’s second in two weeks and his first pick-6 in his 18th career game.

Graham picks up second career pick in his 70th game

Special Teams
Gould missed a 43-yarder, only his second miss this season.  He’s not only on pace for a career best in FG percentage (91%) this year, but also a career best in points (9.4 per game).  Oh, and Seven Hester ran another punt back (yawn).  His 122 yards on 3 returns topped Detroit’s 3 returns by 120 yards (yes, the Lions had a total of 2 yards on 3 returns).

Hester is so electrifying, even Detroit’s Levy (#54) can’t contain his excitement

Stroke of the Week
Dominic Kopek is a “featured columnist” at bleacherreport.com.  This jackmo wrote:  “Clearly, the Lions already proved they can beat the Bears in Week 5 with their MNF victory.  Not only did they just beat them, though, they manhandled them, and that’s why they are going to win again in Week 10.  With the Lions team set up the way it is, each section of their team gives them a little advantage over the Bears.  It makes the Lions pretty much tailor-made to beat them.”  In actuality, the Bears won each facet of the game, and won it handily.  There isn’t a single Lion who played better than his Bear counterpart.  Obviously a Lion fan, can you say he had a “conflict of interest?”  This guy arguing that Detroit would win is like Herman Cain’s wife arguing that he “totally respects women.”

Coach Schwartz now timidly approaches all post game handshakes

Brilliant Comment of the Week
I’m not one to tout myself because my humility is one of my many exceptional traits, but my foresight last week was nothing short of brilliant when I wrote about the Lions game: “We’re currently favored by a point, but I think this will be a statement victory for us.  Detroit better not forget one thing:  a good supply of body bags.”

Ref explains to Lovie that no, there is no slaughter rule in the NFL

Outlook
We probably have to concede the division to GB, being 3 back with 7 to play, and considering they’re undefeated.  But there are only 4 teams within 2 games of us:  5-4 Dallas, 5-4 Atlanta (whom we beat), 4-5 Tampa (whom we beat) and of course 6-3 Detroit.  If the season ended today, we’d be the second Wild Card behind Detroit.  The first tie-breaker within a division is head-to-head, which we split.  Detroit currently holds the second tie-breaker (division record) with 1 less loss, but they still have to play GB twice.  We hold the third tie-breaker (common teams record) by 1, and the fourth (conference record) by 2.  With the shifting tides of our respective seasons, I’d say advantage Bears.

Normally passive Lovie jumped headfirst into the skirmish

On the Docket
We’ve got 4 in a row coming against a weak AFC West (combined 17-19).  Then 3-6 Seattle comes to Chicago, and we go to GB (9-0) and Minni (2-7).  That’s a combined 31-32 record overall.  Taking GB’s record out, whom we probably won’t beat in GB, that’s a 22-32 (.407) record in 6 of our remaining 7 games.  I’m gonna go on record and predict we finish 12-4, which should guarantee us a Wild Card.  And 2 of the last 4 SB winners were Wild Cards…

“Let’s put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many jokes we can come up with”

Super Bowl, Super Bears!

© 2011

This entry was posted on Tue, Nov 15, 2011 at 6:29 pm and is filed under j) 2011 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.