Bear Down Baffa

Attention All Quarterbacks:  When you throw a pick and the guy returning it gets anywhere near you, let him go man.  Like a set of keys dropped in hot molten lava, just let him go.  Put your head down, head to the sidelines and check your smart phone for sexts from your supermodel girlfriend.

What has two thumbs and is headed for a 6-8 week vacation?  THIS guy!

The Bears picked up another win, and this one came from the offense.  But it ended in calamity.  Cutler threw a pick in the fourth quarter and took on three blockers to keep Antoine Cason from getting in the end zone on his return.  It was dangerous and it was ugly, but it did lead to Forte eventually forcing him out of bounds at our 16.  We then intercepted San Diago (which of course in German means “a whale’s vagina”), so it arguably saved the game.  But the Butler broke his thumb on the play.

Cutler trying his hand at defense which, not surprisingly, didn’t go well

Said Lovie: “Jay’s biggest play on the game might have been on that interception, buying time for Forte.  Who would have thought we’re talking about Forte and Cutler on a defensive play.”  And the guy stayed in the game, completing two more passes.  I just hope this proves to doubters once and for all that Cutler is tough as nails and not just a smelly pirate hooker from whore island.

Lovie to Norv: “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.  People know me.”

Sure, Aaron Rodgers tackled Urlacher after a pick in the NFC title game last season, saving a TD and probably winning the game for GB.  But Drew Brees had his arm ripped off at the shoulder on his last play in San Diago trying to make a tackle after a pick.  It’s just not worth it, especially in a regular season game when you’re up by two scores.  I blame the coaching staff and the play calling on this one.  Why are you throwing on a 2nd-and-8 from the SD 30 when you’re up by 11 with 10 minutes left?  You hand it off twice and hope to put yourself in position for a FG, which puts you up by 14.

The Butler avoided injury for 3+ quarters – even with teammates tackling him

And now what seemed like an inevitably dominating final 11 games, we now face our last 6 with Caleb Hanie, who’s thrown 7 regular season passes in each of the last two seasons – and none yet this year.  But you may remember rookie Kyle “The Beard” Orton coming on in his rookie season and winning 8 in a row.  And he did that without putting up good numbers; his QBR was under 60.  The thing with QB’s is there are 21 other guys on the field, so he didn’t (and Hanie won’t have to) do it by himself.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves conjecturing about the next two months and instead dive into what just happened.

Cutler, like his Muslim brother Obama, prays for his health after the game

We’re Going Streaking!
The Bears won their 5th in a row and, at the same time, handed SD their 5h loss in a row.  Added Peanut Tillman: “We’re streaking.  And I mean that in a good way – a legal way.”

Tommie Harris looks delighted to be with his new team

Second Verse, Different from the First
A lot can happen in a month.  Comparing our first 5 games (2-3) with our last 5 (5-0), there are some substantial statistical variations.  Our scoring differential per game has gone from -3 to +15, as we’ve scored 11 more points (32-21) while allowing 7 fewer (24-17).  Our yardage differential per game has gone from -102 to +23, as we’ve gained 30 more yards while allowing 95 fewer.  We’ve also allowed 13 fewer sacks (18-5), had 13 fewer False Start penalties (17-6) and our turnover ratio has gone up by 5 (from +3 to +8).  So much for that 2-3 start, huh?

What do ya know, black people tailgate too

Pick-aboo
We’ve come a long way from being one the most intercepted teams in the NFL.  We finished third and tied for fourth from the bottom the last two seasons.  But in 10 games this year, we’ve only thrown 7 INT’s, putting us in a tie for fifth best.  At this point last year, we had thrown 16.  Two years ago we were at 18.  And on the flip side, our 2 picks off Phillip “When I Cry, My Vagina Flows Like The Nile And Amazon” Rivers gives San Diago a league-leading 17, and it ties us for 2nd in the NFL with 15.  That’s an average of 1.5 per game, ahead of last year’s 1.3, and 2 more than we had in all of 2009.

Tits McGee adjusting his brazier

Even Steven
At the end of the first half, both teams had run exactly 19 plays – 11 runs and 18 passes each.  At that point, San Diago led in yardage 194-153, but the Bears led on the scoreboard 17-10, and in nutsack size.

Peppers was even able to get to Rivers with his eyes closed

Offense
Despite getting off to a slow start, punting on three of our first four possessions after gaining only 68 yards, we scored TD’s on each of our next four drives while gaining 205 yards.  In all, we gained 379, 50 more than our season average.  We also had 23 first downs, and were a season best 8 of 14 on third downs, the first time all year we’ve gone over 50%.  And even with two of our opening day lineman out, we didn’t allow a sack for the second time in three weeks.

Tice explaining that 60% of the time it works every time

Cutler started slowly, going 5 of 12 (42%) for 87 yards and a 67.0 QBR.  And he was chasing Rivers, who started 12 of 17 (71%) for 153 yards, 1 TD and a 118 QBR, all game.  The Butler finally passed him with less than two minutes left when Rivers threw his second pick (the only play of their final possession) and his QBR dropped 30 points.

Cutler to Marz: “She has an absolutely breathtaking heinie.  I mean, that thing is good.  I want to be friends with it.”

Cutler was 13 of 19 (68%) for 199 yards (10.5/attempt) the rest of the way, and he finished 18 of 31 (58%) for 286 yards (9.2/attempt), 2 TD’s, 1 INT and a 97 QBR.  Rivers finished 21 of 31 (68%) for 280 yards (9.0/attempt), 2 TD’s, 2 INT’s and a 90.8 QBR.  Cutler, who also scored on a 1-yard run, beat Rivers for only the second time in six career match-ups.

You’re the best around, nothing’s gonna ever keep you down!

And just when you thought Cutler had designated Earl “I’m Not Currently It, But I’ve” Bennett as his #1, Bennett goes out and has his worst game in three weeks (3 catches for 75 yards).  Maybe it was because he went with a different orange shoe – one with black on it – after being told he would not be allowed on the field with the all-orange shoes he wore (and for which he was fined) the last two weeks.  A lot of fans have been making a fuss about this, but players are required to wear either black or white shoes to maintain some sense of uniformity.  Teams have to declare if they are a white or black shoe team at the beginning of the season.  And wearing half-black or half-white shoes is allowed – what I like to call the “Obama rule.”

Bennett doing “the Helicopter” to show off his new shoes

But Johnny Knoxville picked up the slack.  He had a season high 97 yards on 3 receptions, each better than the last, including a season best 42-yarder.  He was responsible for the pick that lead to Cutler’s injury when he fell down while cutting, but he scored his first TD of the year.

Knoxville, previously trapped in a glass case of emotion, scored his first TD this season

Roy “First Down” Williams also chipped in.  He had 62 yards on 5 catches, all for first downs, and all season bests.  Forte finished with 59 yards (his fewest since week 3) on 21 carries (a 2.8 average), but 39 of that come in the fourth quarter as we ran out the clock.  Even though we didn’t score in the fourth quarter, we were able to maintain possession for 14 minutes and 40 seconds, or 97.8% of the final quarter.

Despite his 5 first downs, “First Down” Williams still found time to drop a pass and poop in the refrigerator

Defense
We allowed only 52 yards rushing but gave up 332 total yards.  Almost half of that was by Vincent Jackson, who had 7 receptions for 165 yards, including catches of 32, 39 and 47 yards – each of which was on a TD drive.  We did lock it down as the game wore on though, holding them to only 138 yards (and Jackson to 70) in the second half.  And that was all in the third quarter.  After SD kicked a FG on the first play of the fourth quarter, they didn’t gain another yard the rest of the game, throwing 2 incompletions and 2 interceptions on the only plays they ran the entire fourth quarter.

After being called out by Lovie, Melton asks, “Why come Lovie gotta put me on front street?”

We also had 3 take-aways, marking our fourth game in a row with more than one.  Wright had a pick for the third game in a row, and after taking 41 games to get his second pick last week, Corey Graham got his third one week later.  Peanut Tillman, who wasn’t playing quite as well as he had last week early on, punched out a fumble and recovered it at the SD 37, leading to a Bear TD two plays later.

Major Wright not only got his 3rd pick in 3 games, but he ate a whole wheel of cheese too

Special Teams
Despite penalties substantially reducing two of Hester’s returns, we had great field position.  For the first three quarters, SD averaged starting at their own 26 while the Bears averaged starting at our 36.  We averaged 25.9 yards per return (181 yards on 7 returns), thanks in no small part to Johnny Knoxville’s 53-yard kickoff return that led to our second TD.  With SD not returning any of our 3 punts (props to Adam Podlesh, who punted Baxter, and our coverage team) and our getting a touchback on a kickoff, they averaged just 18.5 yards per return.  And while Gould only hit one FG from 42 yards, SD’s Mike Scifres was only 2 of 3, as he missed one with time expiring in the first half.

Urlacher asks Hester, “What the fuck are you mumbling about?”

Outlook
With Caleb Hanie taking the wheel, things could get a little sketchy.  And with us having 4 road games left and only 2 at home, it could get even sketchier.  Hanie’s last pass (an interception to end the game) was in the NFC title game against GB back in January.  But he finished 13-20 for 153 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT’s and a 65.2 QBR, making him the highest rated of four QB’s in that game (Rodgers 55.4, Tom Collins 39.6 and Cutler 31.8), as well as the only one to throw a TD.  Considering that performance in what was the biggest non-Super Bowl game in Bear history, and our relatively easy remaining schedule, I’m confident the kid will be alright despite never starting a game in his 3-season career.

Hanie will finally get the chance to step out from Cutler’s shadow

On the Docket
All things considered, Cutler’s injury couldn’t have come at a better time.  Hanie will face Carson Palmer in Oakland (who’s with a new team), rookie Tyler Palko (13 career NFL passes) when we host KC, Tim “John 16:33” Tebow in Denver (8 career starts), Tarvaris Jackson (also with a new team) at home versus Seattle, Rogers in GB (whom he’s already out-played head-to-head) and rookie Christian Ponder (5 career games) in Minnesota.  That’s not what I would call a stellar batch of QB’s.

Bear drum-liner hoping his drum beats drown out the fart he’s trying to squeak out

But the Butler could be back in time for the playoffs, and if not, I hear Favre is available.  And we still have Urlacher.  So I’m sticking with my 12-4 prediction, a Wild Card birth and another Super Bowl victory.

Our defensive QB is still healthy

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Super Bowl, Super Bears!

© 2011

This entry was posted on Mon, Nov 21, 2011 at 4:34 pm and is filed under j) 2011 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.