Bear Down Baffa

OK, remember what I said last week about everyone calming down?  Well…everybody panic!  It’s just like the titanic, but it’s full of bears!

KC treated Hanie like a pedophile in prison

The Bears have officially been reclassified as a “Semi Pro” team.  After winning five in a row, we’ve now lost two straight to the AFC Worst.  Even Lovie admitted, “We haven’t played football like that all year.”  We were out-played, out-coached, out-injured and out-scored.  And this against a team who’s own players and coaches would admit publicly that they suck.  This was easily the worst the Bears have played since Lovie took over.  Yeah, it’s a shit fucking sandwich.  And just like global warming or Obama running our and Europe’s economies into the ground, our children are the ones who are going to have to eat it.

KC Coach Haley to ref: “I keep telling him we’re winning, but he won’t believe me!”

Wait Til We Get our Hanies on You
Hanie was 5 of 11 (46%) for 53 yards, 4.8 yards/attempt, 1 sack, and a 60 QBR in the first half.  No TD’s – but no picks either.  The second half was another story, when he threw a pick on his second pass.  It was underthrown, but Johnny Knoxville had a chance to at least bat it down, and he let the defender get in better position.  On our first five second half drives, Hanie went 1 for 4 and was sacked 4 times.  But then he seemed to find a groove – “seemed” being the operative word.

Knoxville played this ball like a “jackass”

For the second week in a row, Hanie stepped it up in the fourth quarter, but this time with only six minutes left.  On our sixth drive of the half, he completed 4 passes in a row for 46 yards, moving us down to the KC 13.  But then he threw a ball into the hands of “First Down” Williams, who tipped it off his chest to a KC defender in the end zone.  Hanie then went 1 for 3 on our next drive, getting sacked 2 more times, and he ended the game with his next pass – his third pick of the half – on our next drive as time expired.

“First Down” Williams is now allergic to first downs – and TD’s

Hanie finished a paltry 11 of 24 (45.8%) for 133 yards, 5.5 yds/att, 7 sacks, 0 TD’s, 3 INT’s and a 23.8 QBR.  But none of his 3 picks turned into KC points.  I don’t want to sound like I’ve got a secret crush on Handsome Hanie, but despite his numbers, this loss was also not entirely his fault.  This one was on the entire roster and coaching staff.  I’m even putting some of it on the Soldierz Field staff.

Hanie staging a sit-in until his line offers better protection

The Good News
Atlanta, Detroit, the Giants and Dallas all lost.  And we lost to an AFC team.  So in a strange twist, we didn’t lose any ground despite losing a ton of face.  And Lovie won another challenge on a 2nd-and-10 reception that gave us a first down.  He’s now 4 of 6 this season.  Oh, and December is Customer Appreciation Month at Subway.  They’re offering 6” Cold Cut Combo and Meatball subs for $2.  Of course it’s only at participating Subways, but still.

Ebony & Ivory: “Dude, I can’t even look at you right now.”

The Bad News
With the four teams closest to us all losing, we blew a huge opportunity to gain ground.  And we embarrassed ourselves, losing at home, against a team that had lost 4 straight, that is playing a QB who’d thrown only 8 more NFL passes than Hanie, that benched him for Orton after he proved ineffective in the first quarter, but then played him the rest of the game after Orton got hurt.

KC’s Palko:  “I know, I can’t believe we’re winning either!  It’s insane!”

“The Beard” Changes Name to “the Finger”
Orton, playing his first game with the Chefs, and his first in almost 2 months after losing his job to Jesus, ran a flee flicker on his first – and only – play.  Major Wright (who later left the game injured himself) hit him as he threw and dislocated Orton’s pointer finger.  Hey Kyle, how come it says Orton on your jersey when you’re name’s pussy?

Orton earned $2.5 Million from KC to throw 1 pass and dislocate a finger

Offense
I think our offense can best be described as “bullshit.”  We gained only 181 net yards and scored a season low 3 points – 10 fewer than any other game this season.  We haven’t scored in single digits since last year, when we did it in three terrible (but not as bad as this) games:  a Week 17 loss at Lambeau (10-3), the Week 14 blowout by NE (36-7) and the Week 4, “9 first half sacks” Giant game in NY (17-3).  Lovie appropriately said, “Offensively, we didn’t get anything done.”  We were 0 for 11 on third downs, 0 for 2 on fourth downs and 0 for 55 on scoring TD’s.

Wanna get away?

The offensive line was atrocious, giving up sacks like they were Toys for Tots at Christmas.  We allowed just about everyone on the KC sideline to get one, including an assistant coach, a water boy and even a dude in a wheelchair that was allowed in the game for one play al la “Rudy.”  In all, we gave up 7 sacks to a team that had only had 13 all season.  And we missed several opportunities that, even for our offense, should’ve been gimmes.

KC was in Hanie’s face all day

Five minutes in, we recovered a fumble on our first punt that gave us a first down at KC’s 43.  We wound up going for it on fourth-and-2 from the 35 – and failing.  Four minutes into the second quarter, we had a third-and-1 at the KC 4.  We ran Barber for no gain, then committed 2 penalties, moving us back to a fourth-and-11 from the 14.  We had to settle for a FG, our only points in the game.  Late in the third quarter, we had first-and-goal at the 7 after a 26-yd run from Bell.  We ran Bell for no gain, then allowed back-to-back sacks, moving us back to the 23, where Gould missed a 41-yarder.  And we already covered the “First Down” Williams goal line pick with four minutes left in the game.

Hanie to Martz: “So…when is Jay coming back again?”

In addition, we lost Forte for 2-6 weeks.  That poor bastard finished just 3 yards shy of 1,000 yards rushing.  But that’s no excuse because Marion the Barbarian (44 yards on 14 carries) and Kahlil Bell (34 on 4) are solid, as we still out-ran KC by almost a yard a carry.  I think Bell (who’s never really been given a shot) could do some damage if given the opportunity.

Forte’s body finally gave in on his 255th touch this season

Defense
We only allowed 250 yards, forced KC to punt 11 times and Craig Steltz filled in nicely after Wright was injured by leading us with 10 tackles.  But we only had 2 sacks, and the defense didn’t procure a single turnover.  Our lone takeaway came on a punt, which (of course) didn’t lead to any points.  In all, we lost the turnover battle 3-1.

Craig Steltz led us in tackles despite coming off the bench

We also allowed an inexcusable Hail Mary with time expiring in the first half.  To make matters worse, Lovie called a timeout with 2:06 left, hoping we’d get the ball back.  But KC kept the drive alive and used the extra time to score their only TD.  To make matters even worse, KC had only scored 1 TD in November (when they averaged just over 6 points a game), and had gone 33 straight possessions without a TD.  And to throw more shit on an already heaping pile of it, it was also Palko’s first career TD pass.

5 Bears watch KC’s McCluster-fuck haul in a Hail Mary – the game’s only TD

Special Teams
Uhm, not so special.  Robbie “I’m Quickly Becoming the 23rd Most Accurate Kicker in NFL History” Gould missed a FG, and we only had 62 yards on 4 Hester returns (KC had 53 on 5) despite having the ball kicked to us 14 times.  Our lone highlight was Adam Podlesh averaging 44.6 yards on 7 punts, leaving them inside the 20 three times, and getting in on a tackle.

It’s pretty bad when you’re Punter gets the game ball

Outlook
Since anyone within two games of us lost, this week didn’t turn out to be a total debacle.  With 7-5 Atlanta and 7-5 Detroit both losing, we’re still the #1 Wild Card.  The 7-5 Cowboys and flailing 6-6 Giants also lost, and one of them has to win their division.  But the 5-7 Seahawks (who we play in two weeks) and 5-7 Cards both won, moving them both up to only two games behind us.  Beyond that is 4-8 Washington (who’ve lost 4 of their last 5) and 4-8 Philly, Carolina and TB, all of whom we’ve beaten and from whom we take tie-breakers.

A disguised Orton trying to sneak into a Bears postgame party

On the Docket
We go to Denver to face Tebow, who’s won 5 in a row and put up a QBR of 149.3 (10/15, 202 yards, 13.5 yards/att, 2 TD’s, 0 picks) on Sunday.  We’ll have to pray the shit out of our prayers to out-pray him this week cause you know he and his cult already got a jump-start last night.  But I’m not praying for a victory – I’m praying that we knock the Jesus out of that jackhole.

Apparently this fan couldn’t hold it long enough to wait in line at the urinals

Everybody panic!  There’s a bear lose in the coliseum!  There will be no refunds.  Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life.  If you have a small child use it as a shield.  They love the tender meat.

© 2011

This entry was posted on Mon, Dec 5, 2011 at 7:04 pm and is filed under j) 2011 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.