Jesus H. Christ. This game was over and the Bears had it won. But then Lovie had his team stop playing in the fourth quarter with a meager 10-point lead. The offense stopped playing, the defense stopped playing, and then Marion “The Ovarian” Barber dropped to his knees and blew Tebow – and the game.
Bear Nation was out-prayed by the Tebow cult on Sunday
A softened defense allowed Denver to score their first points with 2:08 left. Then we recovered an on-side kick. The game should have been over at that point. But with a 3-point lead and the ball at midfield, Marion “The Egalitarian” decided to run out of bounds with two minutes left. Even Ron “Fuckhead” Turner knows you stay in bounds – no matter what. And when our “3-and-out” style of offense couldn’t get a first down, we were forced to punt for an 11th time, and gave Denver the ball again with just under a minute left. Then Matt Prater, who’d had an earlier kick blocked, kicked a 59-fucking-yard FG with 3 seconds left to send it to OT.
I hate Prater’s foot almost as much as I hate Tebow
And then in OT, we won the coin toss and were moving the ball effectively. And on a third-and-7, Marion “The Vegetarian” broke loose. After 5 yards, which put us into FG range, he was about to get us a first down inside the Denver 30 – or even take it to the house. But he fumbled and the Broncos recovered. And then we let Denver walk 34 yards, during which they converted their first third down since half-time, and kick a 51-yarder for the win.
Marion “The Disciplinarian” picked the wrong time for his first fumble in 2 years and 29 games
Tebow Schmebow
Don’t talk to me about Tebow winning this game, or his miracle comeback. Fuck Tim Tebow and the cross he rode in on. He was terrible (as usual) until we shifted to our bend AND break prevent D. This game was handed to Denver on a silver platter. Marion “The Humanitarian” gave them extra time in regulation, then he gave them the ball in OT. Their defense forced the fumble, and Prater kicked two FG’s from beyond 50 yards with the game on the line. Their D and special teams both played a bigger role than the second coming of the Christ.
Jesus Tebow wore a hair halo his rookie season
Offense
Marion “The Nonsectarian” got his big chance to be the go-to back. And he had done a good job filling in for Forte with 27 carries for 108 yards (a 4.0 average). In fact, he had the best stats of any player in the game, including his 6th (and team-leading) TD. But his two huge mistakes cost us the game, and I’m putting it all on him.
Marion “The Librarian” was solid for 58 minutes – right about the time we noticed Forte wasn’t playing
Hanie didn’t play that well, but he didn’t play poorly. He finished 12 of 19 (63.2%) for 115 yards (6.1/attempt), 0 TD’s, 0 INT’s and a career best (when throwing 5 or more passes) 79.9 QBR. His numbers were better than the Comeback Christ. But he only threw one pass the entire fourth quarter when the Bears decided to give up on trying to move the ball, hoping 10 points would be enough.
After being the focus for two weeks, Hanie disappeared into the shadows in Denver
We went 3-and-out on our final 4 drives, and 7 times all game, punting on our first 7 drives and our last 4. We were also 2 for 15 on third downs. Our O-line has been better, allowing 4 sacks and blocking poorly on 7 runs where we either lost yards or gained none. But Hanie didn’t turn the ball over once, and was 3 for 4 for 39 yards in OT, which bested Tebow’s 3 for 4 for 24 yards. And “First Down” Williams actually made a great catch for a first down on third-and-two.
God was taunting Hanie in his earpiece all game
Defense
We played excellent D for 55 minutes, as Denver didn’t score on their first 12 drives. We shut down Willis McGahee, holding him to 80 yards fewer (34) than his average over the last two games (114). And we kept Tebow in check – at one point he threw 11 straight incompletions. Peanut picked off Tebow’s eighth pass after he’d only been picked once in 158 attempts this year.
Peanut made a miracle play of his own
Through three quarters, we pitched a shutout, limiting Denver to 150 yards, and the Son of God to 3 for 16 (18.8%) for 45 yards (2.8/attempt), 1 INT and a 13.5 QBR. And then Craig Steltz, who had another good game, forced a Tebow fumble half-way through the fourth quarter, giving him 2 turnovers after he only turned the ball over 3 times in 8 games this season. But we didn’t finish.
Even Jesus Tebow isn’t impervious to gravity
To his credit (though mostly due to our lack of defense), Tebow went 15 of his last 21 for 126 yards, and one of those incompletions was to stop the clock and another was thrown away to avoid a sack. He finished 21 for 40 (52.5%) for 236 yards (5.9/att), 1 TD, 1 INT and a 68.3 QBR. We also sacked him 5 times, and if you count the 4 times he was tackled for a loss or no gain while rushing, it was 9 times. But it wasn’t enough.
Like Tebow himself, the Bears were preaching in Tebow’s face all day
Briggs said he’d be “fricken pissed” if we lost to Tebow. After losing the way we did, I can only imagine how “fricken pissed” he is today. When Urlacher was asked what he thought of Tebow, he said, “He’s a good running back.” Henry Melton said, “If someone told me that was going to happen – that our defense was going to blow a 10-point lead in the fourth quarter – I would have slapped them.”
I’d hate to see Briggs when he’s “fricken pissed” – that bitch is crazy!
Special Teams
We blocked a FG and recovered an attempted on-side kick. Hester had a 26-yard return that led to our only TD, but he only returned 3 of Denver’s 10 kicks (for 61 yards), calling a lot of fair catches. Podlesh punted 11 times and averaged 47.8 yards, quickly making everyone forget about Brad Maynard. And Robbie Gould hit a franchise and career best 57-yard FG right down the middle with plenty to spare. It was his furthest and the Bears furthest, but it wasn’t even the furthest in the game.
Most Bear fans thought the blocked FG was a sign from God of certain victory
Doubtlook
At 7-6 after our 3-game Hanie streak (and to the AFC Worst no less!), our season is falling apart. Detroit (8-5) and Atlanta (8-5) both won, so we’re no longer the front-runner in the Wild Card race – but we only trail them by a game. With Dallas (7-6) losing to the Giants (7-6), we still don’t know which of them to worry about, but we’re tied with whomever doesn’t win their division.
I forget, is the Bible for or against performing self-fellatio?
Denver’s Coach Fox argues with refs, “Jesus said that was a first down!”
On the Docket
Seattle comes to town on Sunday. Each game for us is now a must-win, and this game would’ve normally been a sure-thing. But with a 3-game skid mark and Hanie at the helm – with Josh “Cade McNown” McCown waiting in the wings – it’s hard to be optimistic. You thought Hanie was bad? McCown has completed exactly 1 NFL pass in FOUR YEARS.
Here’s to hoping we never see this guy on the field!
But I’m not counting us out because the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. And because Urlacher’s pissed. (Psalms 23:1-4)
I love you, Jesus!
© 2011
Bear Down Baffa 
Leave a comment