Bear Down Baffa

I was wrong.  I thought the Bears would survive without Cutler by relying on defense and special teams.  And I expected more out of a $1.2M backup than for him to play like a drunk, disoriented, and blindfolded nitwit.  Like most stupid people, I let what I “hoped” would happen cloud my judgement of what I “thought”  would probably happen.  And for that Palin-like idiocracy, I apologize.  I am better than that, and you deserve more than that from me.  What’s worse is the Bears have played so poorly that they’ve made me look as wrong as I’ve ever been.  And to add “painful to watch” injury to much deserved insult, Johnny Knoxville did an unintended jackknife after fumbling that nearly glued his helmet to his heels, and we lost yet another player for the season.

Ouch, that’s gonna leave a misplaced vertebrae! 

After winning 5 in a row and advancing to 7-3 with the #1 Wild Card in hand, we’ve now lost 4 in a row and have fallen to 7-7.  We’re now on the outside looking in at the post season shindig.  And I’m not sure if you hurd, but the Bears now deal drugs instead of playing football.  After Sunday’s slaughter – and our demonstration of very little football skill – it became evident that we’ve sunk to a new low for the season.  And because none of this bodes well for our chances going forward, I’m as hopeless as a Russian novelist reading a Russian novel.  Yep, it’s a terrible time to be a Bears fan right now.

Seattle not only fucked the Bears, they fucked the stadium grass too, giving new meaning to the term “ground and pound”

Things weren’t good from the start.  Hanie’s first pass was almost picked off and led to our first three-and-out.  His third pass was caught – and fumbled – by the now-in-two-pieces Knoxville, and recovered by Seattle on our 22.  After a 21-yard play gave them a first and goal at our 1, we pushed them back 6 yards, forcing them to settle for a FG.  But our normally stellar special teams squad blundered, namely Corey Graham.  Called for a Leverage penalty, where the rushing team pushes off teammates to get more height to block the kick, we gave them another first and goal.  And of course they then scored a TD.

Corey Graham goes up and comes down with 4 more points – for Seattle 

Then after a 42-yard drive on which Hanie was 3 of 4 for 34 yards, our punt coverage team (which the announcers said was ranked #1 in NFL) stuck Seattle on their own 4.  And after stuffing them at the 1, Peppers knocked the ball out of Seattle QB Tarvaris “Yes, That’s How I Spell My First Name” Jackson’s hand, and Israel “I Butt Heads With Palestinians” Idonije recovered it in end zone.  Pepp got credit for a sack even though he barely touched Jackson and Jackson didn’t go down.  But with the score tied, things were looking up.  Except that Hanie was still playing QB.

Luckily Idonije recovered the ball in the end zone because he looks like he doesn’t know what to do with it 

On our next drive, Hanie went 1 for 4 for 18 yards, but the last of those throws was his first pick, and it was in the red zone.  Thankfully (though unimportantly) it didn’t lead to any points.  On our next drive, Hanie was 2 of 3 for 33 yards, including a 25-yard TD pass to Kahlil Bell.  Not only did we take the lead 14-7, but it was our third drive in a row of 9 or more plays and over 40 yards.  But then half-time came.

Hanie celebrated a bit too early – and a bit too eagerly 

Seattle scored a TD on their fifth play of the second half.  Then Hanie’s first pass of the half was thrown right into a defensive lineman’s hands who then returned it for a TD – much like the pick-6 in the NFC Championship game in January.  This not only gave Seattle the lead, but it gave them 14 points in under a minute.  Hanie then led us on 3 three-and-outs, followed by a five-and-out that ended in consecutive sacks, and then another pick-6 on our only play of the next drive, his last.

Hanie made 300+ pound Red Bryant look like Jack Be Nimble 

Even Josh “You Should Have McKnown Better Than To McSign Me” McCown got in on the pick action.  Lovie benched Hanie with 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter.  Yes, after 15+ quarters of 50% completions, 3 TD’s, 9 INT’s and a 41.8 QBR, the Bears “very quickly” yanked the “short leash” they had on him and went with our backup’s backup to hand off and throw the ball to the other team.

He gone!  He’ll grab some bench!  And this ball game is OVAH!

And not surprisingly, it only took McCown (who’s thrown 1 more NFL pass than you and I have in the last 4 years) two passes to throw a pick of his own.  So it remains unclear who will be throwing interceptions for us the rest of the season.

McCown looked like a fawn who’d heard a 21-gun salute once he took the field 

Offense
Kahlil Bell did a good job with 65 yards on 15 carries (a 4.3 average).  But we had more net rushing yards (132) than passing yards (89).  And no, there wasn’t a blizzard.  And after going 3 for 6 on third downs in the first half, we were 0 for 4 in the second.  Additionally, we allowed 4 sacks, threw 4 interceptions and fumbled once.

When he wasn’t getting sacked or picked, Hanie was getting humped by Seattle’s D 

Hanie finished 10 of 23 for 111 yards, 3 picks, 1 TD and a 33.3 QBR.  McCown was 1 of 2 for 12 yards, 1 INT and a 29.2 QBR.   Normally positive Lovie said, “It’s hard when you don’t get more production from the QB position.”  Really?  Is that why you haven’t had a decent backup QB on the roster since, well, ever?!

Who is this fucking retard getting Hanie Montana’s autograph? 

Defense
Lovie said our D was a “total disappointment.”  We were out-scored 31-0 in second half after leading 14-7.  Granted 14 points came from their defense, and one TD came after Seattle started on our 29, but they didn’t do what they always talk about having to do – step up and help the offense.  We allowed Tarvaris Jackson (yes, THAT Tarvaris Jackson) to go 15 of 19 for 176 yards in the second half alone.  He finished 19 of 31 for 227 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT’s and a 94.4 QBR.

Urlacher needs to work on his “I’m not gay” TD dance – because he looks pretty gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that)  

We did score defensively.  And we only allowed 286 yards, and only 60 rushing, for an average of 1.8 per Seattle carry.  But we secured only one turnover despite Jackson (who’s thrown as many picks as he has TD’s over his last 33 games) quarterbacking the whole game.  And we only got 1 sack – and even then Jackson wasn’t even touched.  Our defense was out-shone by both Seattle’s offense and its defense.

You thought Briggs was “fricken pissed” last week?! 

The Good News
It has become obvious to even those living in Zimbabwe without televisions, radios or internet connections that we need to make a backup QB move, so hopefully the Bears will do something.

This just isn’t going to work for us anymore 

And all was not lost this weekend.  GB lost to the Chiefs, who were playing a new QB (Orton) and had a new interim head coach.  So we can all exhale that we don’t have to hear about their perfect season.  Oh, and not that it really matters anymore, but the Giants (7-7) lost.

Lovie responds to the question, “How many games will the Bears lose the rest of the season?” 

The Bad News
Despite the Bears obviously needing to do something at QB, their track record is pathetic in this regard, and they are so cheap that they will probably try to bring back Tom Collins.

Seattle’s Coach Carroll was seen warming up for Bears QB tryouts before the game 

Also, Atlanta (9-5) and Detroit (9-5) both won, virtually clinching the two NFC Wild Cards.  And not only did Seattle embarrass us at home, they’re now tied with us at 7-7, and hold the head-to-head tie-breaker because of this win.  In essence, they just leap-frogged us.  And the surprising Cards (7-7) also won, so we’re now tied with 3 shitty teams (NYG, SEA and AZ).  Yes, that makes it a fact that we are also a shitty team.

Instead of running backwards, Hester tried flying this week.  It didn’t work. 

Doubtlook
The only chance we have of getting to the post season is to win our last two games (GB, MIN).  But that won’t happen (unless we re-sign McMahon, or Ditka).  We would also need Atlanta (NO, TB) and Detroit (SD, GB) to lose both of their games AND the Giants (NYJ, DAL), Seattle (SF, AZ) and Arizona (CIN, SEA) to lose at least one each.  Seattle and AZ play in week 17, so at least one of them is guaranteed one loss.

Hanie to Martz: “Do you think either of us will be here next year?”  Me: “Uhm, no.” 

On the Docket
We go to GB and face a pissed off Packer team.  I’m predicting we lose 40-something to 6.

This photo HAD to be taken in the first half – note the couple kissing in the background 

Here’s to a Happy Festivus for the rest of us!

Toilet Bowl, Toilet Bears!

© 2011

This entry was posted on Wed, Dec 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm and is filed under j) 2011 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.