Bear Down Baffa

Sleigh bells rung, and we were listening.  But we wound up having a blue Christmas without him.  Since Cutler tried to take on two blockers after throwing a pick against San Diago, and ran over our season like an 18-wheeler smothering a possum, we’ve gone from “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree” to “Silent Night.”  And our season was officially pronounced dead about five minutes into the second half on Christmas.  So much for celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who now plays QB for the Fudge Packers and has beaten the Bears four times in 2011.

At least the Bears weren’t the only ones who looked ridiculous in GB

After starting the year 1-2, and looking really bad against the toughest part of our schedule, we revitalized our season and our fans by running our record to 7-3 with a 5-game winning streak.  But we’ve since lost 5 in a row (soon to be 6) against the weakest part of our schedule, dropping our record to 7-8 in just over a month.  That’s a Cubs-caliber collapse, and I for one am boycotting next week’s game.  Will you join me in a show of solidarity to send a message to Bears management that we want change?  And that change would be for them to fire themselves and hire an entirely new management team.

Lambeau had 49 ejections and 20 arrests on X-Mas; I’m betting this douche-tard wasn’t one of them

Wait Til We Get our Hanies on You
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu.  This brings an end to this section of the blog as Hanie Montana will be taking his undrafted ass (and his inability) back to the bench – or perhaps back home to Texas.  When a guy who hasn’t started in four years out-plays you in his first start back, you look even more incompetent than you did throwing picks with the regularity of a dude who has a “black bean bran muffin and coffee” breakfast everyday.  Maybe Martz will have a QB coaching position for you at ASU next year.  So long, gayboy!

At least we don’t have this absurdity to explain at our home games

Offense
After not even being on an NFL roster two months ago, Josh “Cade McNown” McCown played like he wasn’t even on an NFL roster two months ago.  But even that wasn’t as bad as Hanie.  McCown was actually decent – for a backup, last-minute fill-in.  He was fairly consistent, starting 5 for 7 (71.4%) for 65 yards with a 100.3 QBR before his first pick.  He finished 19 of 28 (67.9%) for 242 yards, 8.6/attempt, 1 TD, 2 INT’s and a 76.8 QBR – above his 71.1 average.  He also scored on a 2-point conversion, and even GOT a take-away, stealing a recovered Bear fumble out of the hands of a GB D-lineman.

McCown bet Sam Hurd an ounce of blow that he’d dunk on the goal post if he scored

Our offense netted an unbelievable 441 yards, won time of possession by over 11 minutes, were not sacked once, punted only twice, had 24 first downs, were 6 of 12 on third downs, had 7 plays over 15 yards (including a 49-yard pass play), and put up 21 points (the most we’ve scored since the Butler went down) against a great team like GB.  But we turned the ball over twice, and only put up 21 points against a great team like GB.

McCown had his share of pressure in Sunday’s nationally televised holiday game

We did run for almost 200 yards.  Kahlil “Yo Quiero Taco” Bell proved himself worthy against a defense that knew we would be emphasizing the run.  And in doing so, he proved my insightful Week 13 point (“I think Bell could do some damage if given the opportunity”) by gaining 121 yards on 23 carries – a 5.3 average.  That ties his career average with Forte’s, and makes Bell’s average over the last three games (5.0) slightly higher than Forte’s this season (4.9).  So much for Forte being irreplaceable.

As Hanie proved the Bears don’t know how to groom backups, Bell proves they know how to keep good players on the bench

Despite Bell fumbling twice (one on the goal line that was recovered by Edwin Williams for a Bear TD, and the one that was re-recovered by McCown), that’s not too shabby for a guy who’s been so low on the depth chart that he couldn’t even see the field from his seat on the bench.  Both Barber and Bell have now had 100 yard games in Forte’s stead, which doesn’t bode well for Forte.  I’ve never thought he was an upper echelon back.  A lot has changed since we lost Cutler, but not much change has occurred since Forte went down.

Our line is not only blocking solidly, but they’re now scoring TD’s as well

Now I don’t want to bad mouth Forte, or talk trash about his momma.  He’s been decent and durable, and he’s done what we’ve asked him to do.  He has gained a lot of yards, but he’s also had a shit ton of touches.  He’s just not an MVP candidate like some have claimed, nor is he a guy we can build around.  Even Armando “Pitbull Named An Album After Me” Allen had 40 yards on 11 slashing carries (3.6 per) in his first game.  Maybe the Bears weren’t all that asinine for not signing Forte to a lengthy, over-priced extension after all.

Allen is the third (of 3) RB to fill in nicely for Forte

Defense
What can you say?  GB is GB.  They’ve won 20 of their last 21, and only 1 of those wins was by less than 5 points (including 4 post season W’s).  We allowed 363 yards, which is pretty good against them, and we out-gained them by 78 yards with a fill-in QB.  And we forced three 3-and-outs.  But we didn’t get one takeaway, only got 1 sack, gave up almost a yard more per play, permitted 9 plays over 15 yards (including a 55-yard pass play), and allowed 5 TD’s – only 1 of which started in Bear territory, and 4 of which occurred in just over a 15 minute span.  Aaron “I’m Not Really A God, But I Play One On Sundays” Rodgers was 21 of 29 (72.4%) for 283 yards (9.8/attempt), 5 TD’s, 0 picks and a QBR of 142.7.  That’s about as good as it gets, folks.

What a fucking asshole

Special Teams
Gould missed another FG, this one from 49 yards.  Seven Hester had 124 yards on 7 returns (17.7 per), and two of them (27 and 35 yards) led to TD’s.  We only allowed GB to return 2 of our 7 kicks, but they averaged 21 yards on them, and they both led to TD’s.  We were also out-penalized 6 – 0 against a team that specializes in penalties.

If you can’t beat ‘em (and we can’t), insult their fan base

Pro Bowling for Columbine
Peanut Tilman, Matt “Being Over-Rated Is My” Forte and Corey Graham (special teams) each made their first Pro Bowl.  Urlacher (8th) and Briggs (7th) also made it, tying the Bears for the fifth most players to make the squad, though none of the five has been named a starter.  Surprisingly, Hester was left off the Pro Bowl roster.

Sadly, time is running out on Urlacher’s pursuit of a SB ring

Doubtlook
After watching this season, I think we’ve shown that our O-Line is no longer a weakness.  Though I put that at the top of the draft list, what we need to do is overhaul our receiving corps.  We’ve got five #3 receivers, but no #2‘s or #1‘s.  Johnny Knoxville leads our WR’s with 37 catches, which ranks him 100th in the NFL.  Roy “First Down” Williams was second with 33.  And Hester, who has proven to be a terrible receiver, tied rookie Dane Sanzenbacker with 25.  Earl Bennett, who in his defense only played 10 games, had just 21.  That’s an average of a measly 28.2 each for our top 5 receivers.  That Greg Olsen trade is looking ever more stupid right about now.

At least I have a new girlfriend to keep me occupied next Sunday during my boycott

On the Docket
We go to Minnesota on New Year’s Day for an irrelevant game between losebag teams.  Hopefully we lose so we can move up the draft list a bit.

This look on Sunday night pretty much sums up our season

Here’s to the 2012 Bears – sans Angelo, Martz and Hanie!

© 2011

This entry was posted on Wed, Dec 28, 2011 at 5:47 pm and is filed under j) 2011 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.