Bear Down Baffa

New and Improved
We’re ba-ack!  AND we’re chock full of enhancements and plenty of Bears euphoria!

First off, we have a new address:  BearDownBaffa.com (they allowed me to remove the word “wordpress” from the URL).  The old address still works; it will redirect you to this address.  But we think it’s pretty solid so we wanted to point it out.  Please tell your Bears friends.

I will still update my Facebook status when each week’s entry is posted, and I will still be sending an announcement email (to be added to the mailing list, email me at mark_baffa@yahoo.com).  But this season, you can also follow us on Twitter at BearDownBaffa.  

2012 Kick-Off
Bear Down Baffa Nation is primed and ready for what could turn out to be the most promising Bears season since #34 suited up.  With as much weaponry as a Romney-sized military (though the Bears are able to pay for it), we could be looking at not only the most potent offense in Chicago Bears history, but the most virile offense in the NFL.  And that’s no exaggeration, folks.  That’s actual and factual.

With the planets aligning over the Chicago Bears for the first time in over a quarter of a century, the only thing that can stop us is injury.  We could fall flat on our collective face if Urlacher buries his heart at wounded knee.  He claims he’ll be ready to go, but what he “wants” and what he “can actually do” may be as far apart as Obama’s current residence and his “real” birthplace.  But let’s not focus on our predictable demise hinging on the knee ligaments of the fastest white LB in NFL history.  Let’s take a look at some of the off-season changes the Bears made while you imagine me sporting my “O” face and humming the SNL tune, “Jizz in My Pants.”

Don’t Let the Doorknob Hit You in the Ass on Your Way Out
After 11 miserable years, Jerry “I Wouldn’t Recognize Talent if it was Blowing Me” Angelo was finally shown the door.  And it’s about fucking time.  The only bad news here is that they didn’t take him out back and double-tap him in the forehead with an .88 Magnum.  But perhaps he could wind up on a division rival’s staff – I hear Detroit is horrible at selecting front office personnel.

With Angelo’s exit, Phil Emery “and Ivory” was brought in to replace him.  Unfortunately, he was previously a Bears scout from ‘98 to ’04, during which time we drafted Curtis Enis, Cade McNown, David Terrell, Marc Colombo and Michael Haynes.  But I think we can pin all those on Jerry Ass-hello.  And while we haven’t played a game to know for sure if Emery’s made an impact yet, I have to say I like what he’s done so far in free agency.  So if we do go all the way this year, much like the GOP, Jerry will probably cry “You didn’t build that!”  But it won’t be true.

Shea Yes to the Dress
Emery’s first first-round pick was a surprise to everyone – including Shea McClellin.  The Bears wanted a pass rusher from the side opposite Julius “Salt N” Peppers.  And logically, they selected a virtually unknown 6’3”, white LB from Boise State.  WTF!?

#1 in your programs, #1 in your hearts

Who’s Line is it Anyways?
Despite having a full slate of picks this year, the Bears opted out of filling their most obvious gaping hole in the O-line.  We might as well have just drafted 2 QB’s and a punter in the first 3 rounds.  But my hope is that with Mike “Iz Vera” Tice being the new OC, we’ll have fewer deep drops, so the line won’t be asked to do what they can’t do (which is hold a block for longer than 2 seconds).  And with a gargantuan passing threat (see below), we’ll keep defenses honest and slow the pass rush.  Or Cutler will get the shit kicked out of him again all season.

Cutler looking like a fool with his pants on the ground last year – along with his jock

Drop That Zero and Get With the Hero
Emery went out and made a blockbuster trade with his first deal.  Giving (me gusta a) Miami two third-rounds picks, we acquired troubled but excellent 6’4”, 230 lb Brandon “We Are” Marshall.  He and Culter blew shit up in Denver.  During their three year tenure there, the Butler threw more passes to Marshall than any QB-WR combo in the NFL.  Their first play from scrimmage this pre-season was a 41-yard reception.  Three plays later they connected for 20.  I don’t even want to speculate on how good they’ll be, but I’m going to anyway.  This tandem could be like the Beatles and Stones doing an album together – with Jesus in the studio.  Throwing out Marshall’s rookie year when he caught only 20 passes, he’s averaged 6 catches, 78 yards, 4 first downs and 0.42 TD’s per game.  And even though he played for the impotent Dolphins the last 2 years, he’s had 1,000 yards in 5 straight seasons.  With those numbers, this kid (he’s only 28) can not only pull a gun on me and rob my house, but he can sleep in my bed afterwards AND bang my girlfriend (if I had one, that is).

First of 100+ catches we could see this year – yes, from a Bear WR!

Emery also traded up to draft South Carolina’s 6’4”, 230 lb Alshon “Take Me Away” Jeffery, who 5 times had a 70-or-more-yard reception in 38 games with the Gamecocks, averaging 5 catches, 80 yards and 0.6 TD’s a game in the SEC.  Talk about a much-improved receiving corps – we went from having no #1 or #2 to having one of each.  And both of these acquisitions will enable Seven Hester and Earl Bennett to be more successful as #2’s and #3’s, as we now have other receivers that actually need to be covered.  In the words of The Waterboy’s Bobby Boucher: “Now that’s what I call high quality H2O!”

Jeffery is big, has solid hands – and always keeps his eye on the ball

Back That Ass Up
After releasing Caleb Hanie “Montana,” who sucked a big bag of dicks (career QBR 41.6, 3 TD/10 INT), and recently dropping Josh “Cade McNown” McCown, the Bears brought in Jason “Glen” Campbell (career QBR 82.8, 74 TD/50 INT), who could probably start on a dozen NFL teams, to back up the Butler.  And probably just to piss off Matt “Pissing and Moaning is My New” Forte, we brought in 6’1”, 245 lb Michael “I Like a Woman With a Full” Bush (2642 yards, 21 TD’s in 61 games), who could also probably start on half a dozen NFL teams.

New Terminology
I’ve decided to create a glossary of sorts for some of the terms you can expect us to use this season.

An “Obama.”  This is a RB of mixed race, or a half-black halfback.

A “Romney.”  When a team turns the ball over only to re-recover it on the same play.  Also called a flip-flop.

A “Herman Cain.”  When a player misses a play because he is on the sidelines fondling a cheerleader.

A “Rick Perry.”  Also called a Barrett Robbins, when a player either plays a game while intoxicated, or runs the wrong route because he can only remember two of them.  Oops.

A “Newt.”  When a player is cut from a team but denies it, shows up to training camp, and has to be forcibly removed from the premises.

A “Santorum.”  When a player is ruled ineligible on a play for having too much “santorum” on his arms or uniform (see “Spreading Santorum” if you’re not in the loop).

A “Bachmann.”  1) When a player lies, either on purpose or unintentionally, about everything he knows, and/or doesn’t know, 2) When a player contradicts himself, such as criticizing federal subsidies while accepting them in substantial amounts, or 3) When a player marries an obviously closeted homosexual.

Summary
Our defense is solid (as long as Urlacher is healthy – if he is not, the season is over).  Special Teams is also solid.  And what has always been our self-imposed liability – our offense – could actually be our strength this year.  Cutler is our General MacArthur, and he’s been given the US’s present day military power.  Imagine that – winning games 42-36, not caring if we go down 14-0 because we don’t need a miracle to come back, and an aerial attack not seen since the likes of WWII.  Oh, the times they are a’ changin’ in Chicago in 2012.  And we have no one to thank more than the Muslim-Atheist, Foreigner, Socialist-Communist-Facist-Nazi, Gay-Loving, Liberal, Warmonger, President Barack “Insane” Obama.  God bless us, everyone!

Only in America!

Season Prediction
As predicted in last year’s season finale post (Bears Start 2012 With Meaningless W), we have a new GM, OC and back-up QB (My quote:  “So long 2011, and hello new GM, OC and back-up QB!”).  I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.

You all know that on occasion I pick the Bears to go undefeated and win yet another Super Bowl.  This year, I’m going to be realistic in the hopes of off-setting fate and leading to that end result.  So I’ll go on record and predict that the Bears go 12-4.  And of course hoist the Ditka trophy for the 27th year in a row.

#27 – in a row!

BEAR DOWN!

© 2012

This entry was posted on Thu, Sep 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm and is filed under i) 2012 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.