Bear Down Baffa

Playing without Urlacher, we can’t make mistakes and expect to win games.  But the Bears made plenty of them Sunday.  So many, in fact, that we looked like George W. Bush paired with a chimp trying to do a crossword puzzle.  We let All Day Peterson run all day, and we turned the ball over twice, both of which Minnesota converted into TD’s.  You add in the fact that we dropped balls like a Special Ed team hosting a dodgeball tournament, and that we committed 10 penalties for 80 yards, and it’s easy to see why our season is in a coma with a “do not resuscitate” directive and Jack Kevorkian waiting in a van around the corner.

Take this guy off the field and the Vikings are the Cubs

On the first play of the game, Peterson ran for 51 yards right through the gaping hole left by Urlacher’s absence.  Five plays later, he carried it into the end zone, gaining 69 of the Viking’s 80 yards on their 3-minute scoring drive.  Cutler then threw a pic on his third pass, Minni returned it to our 5, and Peterson scored three plays later, giving the Vikes a 14-point lead less than seven minutes into the game.  It was the first of two Butler picks, the second of which was returned all the way in the third quarter for their only other score.

The Viking’s Mitchell celebrates with the old “What do you think of my taint?” dance

Offense
We gained 438 net yards, averaging 6 yards a play.  We also had 21 first downs and went 7 for 17 on third down.  And we had more than four times as many passing yards as Minni.  But they were protecting a lead for 57 minutes, so that isn’t very telling.

This tool was credited with 3 pass deflections

The line didn’t do their best job, with Cutler taking some hits, but we did run for 118 yards.  Cutler finished 22 of 44 (50%) for 260 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT’s and a 57.0 QBR, which barely out-ranked the mediocre at best Christian “Converting to Islam like Obama is Something I Often” Ponder.

The Viking’s Griffen: “Nobody better lay a finger on my ‘Butler-finger!’”

The worst news is that Cutler got knocked out again.  He took another helmet-to-helmet hit that rung his bell.  There was a penalty called for the hit, but J’Marcus “I Not Only J’Block Like Shit, But I Also Take Stupid J’Penalties” Webb also got called for Holding, which negated the Viking penalty.  So we lost Cutler on a play that technically didn’t actually happen.

Cutler had his head snapped back so far, he could see his senior prom

Brandon Marshall had 10 catches for 160 yards, becoming the Bears all-time single-season reception leader with his 101st catch.  He’s also only 58 yards short of the Bears yardage record of 1,400.

The Viking’s Griffen, in his best Urkel voice:  “Did I do that?”

Defense
We allowed more than twice as many yards rushing (171) as we did passing (77), which is rare in the NFL.  But Ponder only threw 17 passes as they were running the ball – and the clock down – virtually the entire game.  We only got 1 sack, and we only got 1 turnover, but we were playing with a depleted defensive crew.

Only in Minnesota is a young, caveman Santa allowed on the field

After Peterson’s opening run that went half the field, he added another 103 yards on the day, averaging an even 5.0.  But that was his lowest average in six games, the other coming two weeks ago against the Bears (6.0).  And after their first drive, we held them to 168 net yards the rest of the way.  So this loss isn’t on the defense.

This is a look no one wants to see:  Urlacher in civies

Doubtlook
The Bears have now lost 4 of 5, and will undoubtedly make it 5 out of 6 next week when we host GB.  Then we go to AZ, which even Tom Collins and Mike Martz could beat, and finish the season in Detroit.

Carimi revealed something else he sucks at – tackling

The only way to save our season is winning next week to put us back in a tie with GB, who now leads us by a game.  And then hope Tennessee or the Vikings can take them down in the next two weeks.  We could squeak in with a Wild Card, as we currently hold the sixth seed.  But Wash, Dallas and Minni are all one game behind us.

Cutler shows the international symbol for “Would one of you ‘assholes’ catch a fucking pass?!”

Quotes to Note
Hunter Hillenmeyer:  “With Brian (Urlacher) going down, you’re getting a starter in Nick Roach in that (middle LB) position.  Really what you might worry about is Geno (“Who The Fuck Is Geno Hayes”) Hayes in the sense that there’s now two new starters as Geno slides into the (strong side LB) position (for Roach) where Nick is sliding over to middle.  The very first play, the person who lost his gap?  Geno Hayes, 51-yard gain.”

One Minn advantage?  Cheerleaders – most of whom have been sexted Favre’s wenus

Hunter Hillenmeyer:  “The Bears defense was not the culprit today.  The Bears offense got out-scored 14-7…you can’t win if you’re giving up more than you’re scoring on offense.”

Not only do they have cheerleaders, but they have 2 SETS of them!

Jim Miller:  “I think you can kiss the playoffs good-bye when you look at the Chicago Bears right now.  Ya know, they just don’t give themselves a chance.  They don’t play smart football at key moments, key mistakes…and it’s gonna take you a Herculean effort next week to get it done against GB.”

Lovie was watched closely by the unsurprisingly all white and all racist security staff

Jim Miller:  “Let’s be honest – today was the day they needed to solidify their playoffs hopes and they failed.”

No matter how good their team played, these nimrods are still stuck in Minnesota

Fucking Bears.

© 2012

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