Bear Down Baffa

After a two week protest outside my building that gave “Occupy Wall Street” a run for it’s money, and uncountable requests on Facebook for the return of the Bear Down Baffa blog (OK, I counted 3 requests), it’s official:  we’re back.  And we’ve officially got a boner for the 2013-14 Chicago Bears!

I’ve got two words for you:  Phil Emery.  I’ve got two more words for you:  Offensive Line.  And I’ve got two additional words for you:  Marc Trestman.  That’s something like 14 words, but what does it all mean?  Yep, you guessed it, two more words: Supa Bow!

Apparently our blog has more readers than we thought –
and they’re all giving the thumbs up to the Trestman hiring

On Tuesday, we cut the second-to-last remaining piece of our abominable Offensive Line, Jonathan “At Least I’m Not As Bad as J’Marcus Webb” Scott.  Only Matt “The Strip” Garza remains.  And after we cut J’Marcus “I’m So Bad, I’m Worse Than Jonathan Scott” Webb last week, Webb tweeted: “Good bye, Chicago! I gave you 3 years of me.”  Apparently that included one sustained block for each year.  But it reminds us just how bad Angelo was at prioritizing needs (O-Line), supporting acquisitions (O-Line protecting Cutler) and fixing what was broken (O-Line).  Angelo also brought in offensive “gurus” that made players adapt to systems instead of the other way around (my brother’s biggest pet peeve).  And he let laid-back Lovie overstay his welcome.

I guess “change” is now what it’s called when you get fired.
And you didn’t get hurt cuz you rarely made contact, you pussy!

Emery has managed to address all of these things in only two years at the helm.  He brought in Brandon “We Are” Marshall to support the Butler last year, and this off-season he hired high-energy and offense-minded Marc Trestman to build a system around our weapons.  He also prioritized and fixed the O-Line by adding 5 new legitimate lineman in one off-season.  And while I don’t give a shit how much money is costs the McCaskey’s, he did it all while keeping us so far under the salary cap next year that you could fit a baker’s dozen Chris “Krispy Kreme” Christies between us and the cap line.

You want your GM to look like a nerd, don’t you?  I know I do!

Trestman is an MVP-maker at the QB position.  And he brings a fresh perspective, from coaching in Canada to running a successful offense – and winning championships.  He may be just what our beloved franchise needs to make us a contender.  Check that – he’s exACTly what we need!

Two people have told me I look like Trestman –
dear god I hope not, cuz he’s one ugly mofo!

Re-Vamped and Pre-Amped O-Line
Left Tackle.  Saint’s 7-year vet, 2-time Pro Bowler (2011, 2012) and Supa Bow champ Jermon “I Like To Fill Bush With My Rod” Bushrod.

Bushrod doesn’t look like a bush or a rod

Left Guard.  Jet’s 4-year vet Matt “Pork Chops And Apple” Slauson.

Slauson to ref:  “Hey you, toilet paper, now!”

Right Guard.  Our 1st round pick, with only a dozen college games played at O-Line, Kyle “Like My Johnson, The List of Bear Down Baffa Blog Readers Is Distinguished And” Long is an NFL progeny of Howie “Why Am I Always Squinting If I’m Wearing Glasses” Long and brother of Rams DE Chris.  He’s the first Guard drafted in the first round by the Bears since 1960.  Said Emery of Long: ‘‘This dude is a beast.’’  I might add a handsome beast at that.

(http://www.hark.com/clips/lpfgmrxytg-handsome-beast)

He’s Long, and he’s strong, and he’s down to get the friction on

Right Tackle.  Either Jaguar’s 4-year vet Eben “Flow” Britton…

Britton is an American, but he’s still great

…or rookie 5th round pick Jordan “General” Mills, who’s had an exceptional pre-season.

Mills gots the skills to pay the bills

The “Sans Urlacher” Era Begins
People had said Urlacher was getting old and slowing down, but he had a solid year last year while only playing at about 65%.  And he was phenomenal the year before that.  And the year before that.  And the DECADE before that.  The face of the franchise, and the most important ingredient since the likes of Payton, McMahon and Ditka, I am still pissed off we couldn’t get him to sign.  If there’s a guy you let play until he needs adult diapers, it’s Urlacher.  Briggs has taken over as defensive leader, which is a tremendous drop-off.  Senator Lloyd Bentsen had this to say to Briggs:  “Linebacker, I served with Brian Urlacher.  I knew Brian Urlacher.  Brian Urlacher was a friend of mine.  Linebacker, you’re no Brian Urlacher.”

Urlacher’s new job – I almost can’t stomach to watch

This Supa Bow Shuffle is dedicated Mr. Urlacher
It’s Brian Urlacher, the best ever linebacker,
And I’m still crazy fast, for a 6-foot-4 cracker.

An All Pro as a rookie, I started a ruckus,
Went on to kick more (beep!) than Singletary or Butkus.

I execute with the precision of a surgeon,
And close faster than the legs on a virgin.

We all know you’re gonna miss my hustle,
But I’ll still be revealing secrets when you Supa Bowl Shuffle…

What Urlacher will be doing the rest of his life…

Replacement Linebacking Crew
We tried to fill Urlacher’s spot, and it took 4 guys.  But these 4 new LB’s combined salaries are below what Brian would’ve been paid if we’d have signed him.  They are:

Mike LB.  9-year Bronco’s vet D.J. “Jazzy Jeff And The Fresh Prince” Williams is a tackling monster.

No, this isn’t Williams’ mugshot – he’s just that badass

Mike LB.  We also drafted John “Bom” Bostic in the 2nd round.  He may challenge Williams for a starting spot.

How would you like to have Bostic bearing down on you?!

Sam LB.  And we added 6-year vet James “There’s Nothing You Can Say To Make His Name Sound Funny” Anderson from Carolina.

Is it racist to say Anderson looks like Neal Anderson?  Cuz he does.

Will(bur) LB.  We also drafted promising Khaseem “I’ve Got Five E’s In My Name” Greene in the 4th round.

Is it racist to say Greene looks like “Mean” Joe Green?  Cuz he doesn’t.

But the biggest change is Trestman.  Let’s take a look at our new coach in this week’s breakdown.

The Many Faces of Marc Trestman
Here are the many Trestman facial expressions demonstrated at the press conference announcing his hiring:

1. Creepy
a

2. Ugly
a

3. Nerdy
a

4. Sneezy
a

5. When asked, “How do you plan to beat the Packers?”
a

6.  Sleepy
a

7.  When asked about Lovie’s firing

Season Prediction
A new head coach and a GM in only his second year is not a recipe for success.  We lost our defensive captain, Culter is in his 5th scheme in 6 seasons, and 80% of our O-Line is new.  None of that bodes well for our chances either.  Because of all that, I’m not going to predict that the Bears go undefeated and win another Supa Bow.  No, this year I’m going to be much more realistic than in seasons past.  So I’ll go on record and predict that the Bears go 15-1.  And the Lombardi trophy will be renamed simply “The Ditka” after we win our 28th Supa Bow in a row.

Let’s Get It On!

BEAR DOWN!! 

© 2013

This entry was posted on Wed, Sep 4, 2013 at 5:19 pm and is filed under h) 2013 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.