Bear Down Baffa

Oops.  So, I may have jumped the gun last week in demonstrably predicting the Bears would go to the Supa Bow.  We played worse this week in every single aspect of the game than in any other week so far this season, and came home with our first “L” as we fall to second place.  From blocking and tackling, to throwing and catching, to offense and defense, we didn’t look motivated, engaged or prepared the entire game.  The Bears better check to see if they even wiped their asses – I bet there are a slew of dingleberries in their butt cracks today.

Ndamukong “Um Donkey Kong” Suh came up with 2
sacks and a forced fumble – and 2 felonies – on Sunday

Even though we lost to head coach Jim Schwartz for only the second time in 11 games, that jackwad is a Detroit-esque 24-43 (.358).  That doesn’t bode well no matter what excuses you use to make yourself feel better.  One of those excuses would be Detroit’s acquisition of Reggie “My Bush Is Harrier Than Michael Bush’s” Bush.  And much like a pimp in a whorehouse, or the Iraq military during the Gulf War, we just couldn’t stop the penetration of Bush.

The Bears played like a bunch of homos –
they had no interest in getting near Bush

There isn’t much to say other than we got beaten.  Badly.  Even though we came back and made it close in the end, we were never in this one.  So our staff has to reevaluate the Bear’s stature, or at least the stature we subscribed to last week.  Granted this was a road loss, and in a stadium where we’ve had trouble before, but it now appears as though our 3-0 record may have been skewed.  The combined record of the three teams we’ve beaten (CIN, MIN and PIT) is now 3-9.  And twice two of them have played each other, so two of those wins were inevitable.  Take those two matchups out and they are a combined 1-7.  Yikes.

Cutler screamed like a little bitch – but hey,
at least he held onto the ball on this play!

The Butler Did it With a Pigskin in the Dome
Cutler came into this game with a 7-1 record versus the Lions, throwing 12 TD’s and only 1 INT.  And after going 46 straight passes without a pick, he threw 2 INT’s within 4 passes of each other (his 6th and 9th throws of the game).  And for shits and giggles, he threw in a third one later.

Louis “Miley Cyrus” Delmas celebrates 1 of
his 2 picks by twerking with teammates

In one game Cutler doubled his losses against this perennially pathetic team while quadrupling his pick total against them.  He also tossed in another fumble-6, giving him 4 turnovers that led to 17 points.  He just did not look good.  I actually questioned if the Bears had brought Mike “Jay Cutler Hates Me, And I’m OK With That” Martz back for an encore.  The Butler threw lots of bad passes and appeared to have a lack of confidence – and a lack of urgency – throughout the game.

Cutler reached out for the ball like a congressman
reaching across the aisle – half-assed and unsuccessfully

Iran Acknowledged the Holocaust That Was Our Second Quarter
Cutler threw his first pick on our second drive, giving Detroit the ball on our 31.  Our defense tightened up and held them to a FG.  Then we had a 2-running-play drive for a total of 80 yards, with Matt “One Big Run A Game Is My New” Forte going 53 for the TD.  The only reason we scored?  Cutler didn’t throw a pass.  And then the Lions answered with another FG.

This is what it looks like throwing a pick off your back foot

After a 3-and-out, we punted and they scored a TD.  Then the Butler threw his second pick 3 passes after his first, giving Detroit the ball on our 12.  The Lions scored on their first play, giving them 2 TD’s in 24 seconds.  After another 3-and-out, Detroit scored on 2 plays covering 51 yards, their third TD in under three and a half minutes.  Add that to 2 earlier FG’s and the Lions scored 27 points in under 12 minutes during the second quarter alone.  If you take that quarter out, DET only scored 6 offensive points the rest of the game.

Detroit may be bankrupt, but on Sunday Bush was money

Toward the end of the third quarter, Cutler’s third INT gave Detroit the ball at midfield.  After they drove to the redzone, our defense came up with a big pick to stop them.  But after 2 incompletions in a row, the Butler got sacked, fumbled, and the Lions returned it 10 yards for a TD.  This gave them a 21-point lead, and pretty much ended the game.  We made it almost interesting by cutting the lead to 8 after scoring as many points (16) in the final 4 minutes as we did in the first 56 as Detroit looked like they didn’t even want to win the game.  But we couldn’t even take advantage of that, as we looked lethargic and pouty.

I’m fairly certain the 10 yards Nick Fairley ran were the
most he’s ever run without stopping for a cheeseburger

“It’s funny because he’s fat.”

Offense
We out-gained Detroit (448-441) on the exact same number of plays (66) with about 3 and a half fewer minutes of possession.  But we allowed 3 sacks – as many as we’ve allowed all season – and the 4 turnovers killed us.  And the fact that we couldn’t move the ball until the Lions moved into their big lead, prevent defense, during which they still owned us until the last 8 minutes, when we had 127 yards on our last 2 drives.  That about sums it up, other than our O-Line needs work, our passing game needs work, and our running game needs work.  Oh, and we suck the big one.  The big, fat, sweaty, crooked, discolored, disease-laden, Santorum–riddled one.

Yup, this look pretty much captures my feelings on Sunday

Defense
We allowed over 400 yards to a team that gave up trying offensively at halftime.  They only had 127 yards in the second half after gaining 274  in the first.  We got a pick, a sack, and we forced 4 fumbles, but we only recovered 2 of them.  And we only forced them to punt 3 times.  Furthermore, Bush ran for 139 yards and had a total of 173 yards on 22 touches – almost an 8 yard average.  That’s almost 2 more yards per touch than Forte, who had a 53-yard TD run.  Take that big run away and Forte averaged a mere 3.5 yards – less than half of Bush.

Even Detroit players couldn’t tackle Bush

Special Teams
It’s not often we talk about giving up big returns, but Detroit returned a punt 57 yards that led to the Lion’s last offensive TD – which was in the first half.  Devin “I Fucking Blow Donkeys” Hester had 147 yards on 6 kick returns, but that number is misleading.  28 of those were yards from deep in the endzone, giving him only 119 non-endzone yards.  That’s an overall average of returning it just short of the 20 – where we would’ve started had he just downed it each time.  And 3 times we started behind the 20, so technically he actually hurt us.  He also had 2 punt returns for 17 irrelevant yards.  But if you count the yards he ran sideways or backwards, he set a record for running 1.24 miles.

Note Hester is running sideways

Doubtlook
This was the most points we have allowed in the first half since the Monday night game in Miami during the ’85 season.  Think about that.  So you can’t blame this all on Cutler.  Except I blame it all on Cutler.  But every 16-game NFL champion has lost at least once along the way.  We can only hope that, like in ’85, this was that single loss for us.

Lombardi?  More like Losebagdi.

Blow it Out Your Foxhole
The Fox analysts kept commenting on how we couldn’t convert a third down.  And it was true.  We converted our first third down with just 43 second left in the game, and were 1 for 13 on the day.  But Detroit was only 2 for 11 on third down, and only had 3 more first downs than us (21-18) the whole game.  I don’t think third down percentage is that big a deal.  What’s more important is what you do on first and second down. The problem is that we couldn’t move the ball, regardless of the down.  Cuz guess what having a third down means – that you couldn’t move the ball on first or second down either.  We were 2 for 2 on fourth down.  What did that get us?

We need this guy back like Miley Cyrus needs parental supervision

Every week, Fox sports “expert” analysts make picks on games.  Their individual records through week 3 were:  Rob Riggle 6-6; Jimmy Johnson 5-7; Howie Long 4-8; Terry Bradshaw 3-9; and Michael Strahan 3-9.  Riggle (a fucking comedian!) is leading at .500.  And combined they are 21-39.  That’s a paltry 35%.  Stevie Wonder could throw darts and come up with a better pick percentage than this.  So I have three questions: 1) Why are these guys making picks?  2) Why is Fox showing them?  And 3) Why is anyone listening?

Bears CEO Ted Phillips is wearing Lion blue
and silver.  Nice work, you honkey jagbag!

Quotes to Note
Jim Miller:  “It just seemed like everything spun out of control in the second quarter there, and the Bears just never could regain their footing.  For me it’s a missed opportunity, obviously.  We could’ve gone up 2 in the division, which could’ve been huge.”  Thanks for the wonderful insight, Jim.  You should work for FOX.

“Would ya just watch the hair.  Ya know, I work on my
hair a long time and you hit it.  He hits my hair.”

Dan Jiggetts:  “You go back to that 2 minute and 36 second period there in the second quarter, that’s where everything started to go awry for the Bears.  And if you go back, you look at all the numbers and everything, just think about how much that game changed in that situation there.  It’s probably a net-net of 20-some points that the Bears left out there on the floor.”  Actually, Dan, it’s a field, not a floor.  And it was 3 and a half minutes, not 2 and a half.  But I was slightly grateful that I didn’t have to hear you tell us that the orange Gatorade you drink when we win tasted like victory.

Just before midnight, these two desperate souls
finally gave up waiting for the Bears to show up

Cutler:  “I’ve got to give us a better chance of winning.  Uhm, ya know, 3 picks, it’s hard to come back from that.  And the fumble return, so.  I’ve got to play better.  I felt good about my decision making, I’m just missing throws.”  Really?  You decided to turn the ball over 4 times and you felt good about that?!

Is it me, or is Cutler showing the same maturity as 14
year old, 4’8″, 80 lb McKayla Mulroney?  Thanks Obama.

BEAR DOWN!

#ChicagoSucksNotDetroit

© 2013

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