There are few times in our lives when we become so full of anticipation that we can feel it surround us like a cool pool of water up to the neck on a hot day. And while these times can lead to an expectation not being met, they teach us to appreciate times like this. And by “times like this” I mean the euphoria-inducing potential bestowed upon us in the form of the 2014 Chicago BEARS Offense! Similarly to how I’d feel if Iron Mike made a triumphant return to the field as a player, I’m so over-joyed that I’m finally ready to forgive Robbie “My Son Ruined The Bears 2013 Season” Gould for missing the FG in OT in Minni last year and costing us the playoffs. LOL, I’m only kidding – I hope ISIS gets ahold of that cocksucker because he’s DEAD to me!
Trestman breaks camp in Bourbonnais, where there
are only 2 things to do: 1) practice football and 2) leave
If you know the Bears pre-season record, either you aren’t really a Bears fan, or you don’t really know football. Or both. Pre-season means nothing. In fact, it means less than nothing. If you knew that it meant nothing, that would be something, but you don’t (yes, that’s from Point Break, shout out to Worm!). Personally, I have trouble even watching it because nothing is at stake. At least there is one good thing that comes from the pre-season, and that is the regular season. Our final roster is set after final cuts were made on 8/30. But personnel aside, the new NFL game is about offense. And the new NFL offense is about passing. And the new NFL passing is quick, spread out and aggressive. And for that the Bears are teed up like John Daly hitting for cash and booze at a driving range on the moon!
If you’re ready to win a ring, put your right hand over your heart
Offense: The Big “O”
Yes, I started this season’s first breakdown by comparing the Bears offense to an orgasm. And to be clear, I’m talking about the male orgasm. The specificity is essential because men can quickly achieve orgasm virtually at will, and because any true Bears fan knows that the female orgasm is a myth. The male O is quick, it feels really good every time we do it, and we are ready to do it again almost immediately – we just need a few minutes to rest on the sidelines first. So yes, the offense is like a male orgasm in that it can score whenever it wants, it has a bountiful supply of weapons to do so, and it is dominated by an unquenchable, primordial desire. It also has absolutely no shame in scoring too much. Any place, any time.
Sexual innuendo aside, it looks like Cutler is eye-fucking Jeffery
And here’s why. Jay “The Butler” Cutler is rich. The Bears just spent a fortune telling everyone that said “Cutler sucks” that their opinion sucks. The Bears organization knows football, and they just guaranteed this guy over $50M (and it could be more than double that!). So either GOB or STFU. Cutler also now has a wife and 2 kids. He also has an offensive-minded coach who happens to be a QB guru, and with whom he instantly showed a great connection – and “great success” – last year.
Added to that, he’s got the same Offensive Coordinator (Aaron Kromer) for the second year in a row for only his second time as a Bear, and the same cast around him (we return all 11 starters!). He’s also got 3 Pro-Bowl caliber receivers, a Pro Bowl RB, and a solid O-Line. And he’s locked in for the next 5 (to 7) years as the starting QB of the greatest sports franchise on earth. This dude has to be as content as…as…I’m sorry, I can’t come up with anything that would make anyone more content than that.
…laid back, with his mind on his money and his money on his mind…
Because of all of these reasons, the good news is that the Butler has absolutely no excuses this year, and he is positioned perfectly for an MVP season. Having said that, with him playing the most important position in sports, us having no legitimate backup QB, his hefty $18M annual salary, and question marks all over our defense, this season is pretty much all hinging on him. So the bad news is that for us to be successful, he’s going to HAVE to have an MVP season.
Cutler to Marshall: “Dude, that drop just cost me $137,289.54!”
In Chicago, we have been whining incessantly for decades about not having a QB. Then after we got one, we started bitching about not having receivers. After getting those, we moaned about our offensive line. Well not a peep was heard the entire 2013 season about any of them (other than some idiocy about a “QB controversy”). And why might that be? Well, it’s because the Bears went ahead and slyly rebuilt our entire offense – philosophy, scheme and personnel – over the past 2 years. There’s only one offensive player left from the Supa Bow team nine years ago, only three with more than a year under Lovie, and a completely new coaching staff. This specific plan was set in motion when the opportunity to acquire a real QB presented itself via a news blip that either Cutler wasn’t happy in Denver, or Denver wanted to get rid of Cutler, in early 2009. Whichever the case, this is how our orgazma-clistic squad has been assembled (*note: italics denotes backups per the Bears official site).
2005
> Signed Roberto Garza (C); extended thru this season.
2008
> Drafted Matt Forte (RB); extended thru ‘15.
2009
> Traded for Jay Cutler (QB); extended thru ‘20.
2012
> Traded for Brandon Marshall (WR); extended thru ’17.
> Drafted Alshon Jeffery (WR); signed thru’15.
2013
> Hired Marc Trestman (HC).
> Signed Martellus Bennett (TE) thru ’16.
> Signed Jermon Bushrod (T) thru ’17.
> Signed Matt Slauson (G) thru ’17.
> Drafted Kyle Long (G); signed thru ’16.
> Drafted Jordan Mills (T); signed thru ’16.
> Signed Tony Fiammetta (FB); extended thru ’15.
2014
> Signed FA Jimmy Clausen (QB) thru this season.
Jimmy “Cutler is from Santa” Clausen showed serious pre-season grit
Defense: The Big Question Mark?
Defensively, on the other hand, we’re just getting going on the rebuilding. We will probably start only TWO players (Tim “Waylon” Jennings and Jeremiah “Was A Bullfrog” Ratliff) that started in week 16 last season. Like our O-Line last year, we blew up the D-Line this off-season. We went heavy in free agency, upgraded from a fading Peppers and a list of no-names traveling through the Hallas Hall revolving door to the unbelievable Jared “The Only Reason I Cut My Mullet Was Because Of My Wedding” Allen (true story) and the feisty Lamarr “Hoyt” Houston. We also went heavy in the draft (Ego “I’ve Never Been Shot In” Furgeson and Will “I Am” Sutton), with our first three picks all coming on defense.
New season. Same story?
We also moved Shea “Yes To The Dress” McClellin to LB and brought back a healthy (praise Jesus Mother Mary and Joseph they stay healthy!) D.J. “Jazzy Jeff” Williams and Lance “A Lot” Briggs to the defensive backfield. The secondary got addressed with our first pick (Kyle “After Eating A Turducken, I’ve Never Been” Fuller) and fifth pick (Brock “Don’t Call Me Ben” Vereen), and we signed 186 safeties in free agency, though most of them are gone now. But with so much change, it’s a crapshoot to guess if we’re going to be any good. Which means we’ll probably suck.
Hopefully Conte isn’t wearing a Bears uniform much longer –
or at least he’s wearing it on the sidelines
One might think that a second year Defensive Coordinator (Mel Tucker) will be able to learn from his mistakes. But he made so many last year, he’s probably still counting them. We are returning several Pro Bowlers who didn’t finish last year, and we did bring in new guys to fit our newish scheme, as opposed to holdovers from Lovie’s camp (it is likely that Jennings will be the lone Lovie-era defensive player on our team a year from now). But logic says we’ll start off bad, slowly get better, and just as we’re about to move into the top half in stats, three guys will go down, and we will be dreadful again. Let’s take a look at what this sieve the Bears are calling a defense will consist of (*note: italics denotes backups per the Bears official site).
2003
> Drafted Peanut Tilman (CB); extended thru this season.
> Drafted Lance Briggs (LB); extended thru this season.
2010
> Signed Tim Jennings (CB); extended thru ‘17.
2011
> Drafted Stephen Paea (DT); signed thru this season.
> Drafted Chris Conte (FS); signed thru this season.
2012
> Drafted Shea McClellin (FS); signed thru ‘15.
2013
> Signed D.J. Williams (LB); extended thru this season.
> Signed Jeremiah Ratliff (DT); extended thru ‘15.
> Drafted Jonathan Bostic (LB); signed thru ‘16.
> Drafted Khaseem Greene (LB); signed thru ‘16.
2014
> Signed Jared Allen (DE) thru ’17.
> Signed Lamarr Houston (DE) thru ’19.
> Signed Ryan Mundy (SS) thru ’15.
> Signed Danny McCray (FS) thru this season.
> Signed Willie Young (DE) thru ‘16.
> Drafted Kyle Fuller (CB); signed thru ‘17.
> Drafted Ego Furgeson (DT); signed thru ‘17.
> Drafted Will Sutton (DT); signed thru ‘17.
> Drafted Brock Vereen (FS); signed thru ‘17.
Frothing at the mouth to see Allen in a Bears uni this year!
Special Teams
We lost Seven Hester (moment of silence). Regardless of what anyone says, including me, that guy was amazing. He will be remembered as one of the most exciting players from his era, virtually revolutionizing the impact of special teams on field position at a time when it seemed everyone had tried everything. He will be impossible to replace, which is why we’ve brought in about 7 guys to try. But we did draft a punter (yes, that is not a typo) in the sixth round. His name is Patty O’Donnell (he buys his own pints and carries his own shillelagh), and this guy is 6’4,” 220 lbs. They call him “Mega Punt,” and he can tackle like no punter before him.
Season Prediction
Last year I predicted the Bears would go 15-1 and win the Supa Bow. I was only 7 games off. So I’m going to go with my brain this year, as opposed to my heart. Let the record show that our staff predicts the 2014 Bears will go 13-3 on their way to their 29th straight Supa Bow.
Roar!
Highlight Reel To Get Your Bears Mojo Working
If this Alshon “Take Me Away” Jeffery highlight reel doesn’t get you excited for the season, nothing short of Ditka pole dancing will:
Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!
BEAR DOWN!
#PleaseCutConte
© 2014
Bear Down Baffa 
Wed, Sep 3, 2014 at 7:32 pm |
I think the offense could be even better with Santonio Holmes and hopefully a healthy and successful Wilson when he returns. That said, a lot of this line of thinking rests on the idea that Cutler will develop the consistency needed to build a Championship team. Defensively, we will pressure the QB first as it has become a passing league as you noted and with even more restriction of the rules on defending the pass downfield, the pressure up front becomes paramount. Barring injuries, we will excel up front. I seriously question our Safety and Linebacker play. We just don’t have enough quality players to fill those spots yet. Hopefully, Vereen will help fill that hole eventually and it would be nice if the young linebackers, McClellin, Bostic, Greene, and Christian Jones, would step up and create come separation between the vets we have in there now. I think Briggs can still play, but the other two linebacking positions are up in the air to me. Nobody has set themselves apart and that leaves the middle of the field uncovered and easily exploitable. We need quality play from our middle linebacker and safeties in order for the defense to be consistently successful. I think with the start of our season facing some tough opponents, we will find out by about week 5 or 6 whether this team is for real or not.
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Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 6:17 am |
One play at a time. Go Bears!
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Mon, Sep 8, 2014 at 10:32 am |
hey tim and anonymous,
thanks for reading and thanks for your comments!
BEAR DOWN!
bdb editor
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Sat, Sep 13, 2014 at 5:58 pm |
Looking forward to tomorrow’s game…….NOT!!!! Well, maybe I’ll give Cutler ONE MORE TRY!!! Sort of have a hard time watching him…..all that $$$$$$…..he MUST have hidden talent….behind all that ‘ticking’!!!
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