Bear Down Baffa

It’s official:  the Bears suck.  At 0-2, we’re already 2 games out of first, sitting alone in last, and trailing 9 teams for the Wild Card.  Over our last 17 home games, we’re 3-14.  That’s a winning percentage of .176.  And there are no signs that it’s going to lighten up anytime soon.  In fact, it’s getting worse.  Much like the 6 Bears players that left this game injured, the rest of our squad appeared to stop playing.  And I, for one, may stop watching.  Added to which, now our QB is hurt.  With an awful recent history, a current losing streak and no promise for the future, we’re officially a losing organization.  And we all know Chicago only has room for one of those, so god help us all!

The first of the turnover deuce that Cutler dropped

We’re two weeks in, and Jay “If You Haven’t Seen Me Fumble Yet, Here It Comes” Cutler has already lost twice as many games as both the rookie QB that spanked him Monday night, and four other 2-0 teams with new QB’s.  And Coach Fox was 7-0 versus rookie QB’s coming in.  It’s inexplicable.  Other than to just admit that we are a terrible, terrible football team.

This rookie mofo can go back from Wentz he came!

In his 99th Bear game, Jay “No, I’m Fine.  Oops, I Threw A Pick.  Hey, My Hand Hurts!” Cutler fumbled for the 62nd time as a Bear, and threw his 105th INT.  He’s already fumbled 3 times this year, and he’s thrown 2 INT’s.  And he threw a pass in each of our first two games that should’ve been intercepted but was dropped by a defender that had two hands on the ball.  He’s on pace to shatter career-worsts in fumbles (12) and picks (26).  You can argue that our O-Line is weak, and that he’s often under pressure, but none of the INT’s came while he was under duress.

See?  Not an Eagle in sight!

Jay “There’s No ‘I’ In Team, But There Is One In ‘Injured Reserve'” Cutler is a captain, our highest paid and longest tenured player, and the guy with the most opportunity to impact the game.  Nobody else can do more, and nobody can even come close.  We got rid of half of our best players, and the half that remains is now injured.  Shit, our kicker still hasn’t even made a FG this year!  And when we need Cutler most, his QBR is a career-low 75.7.  He’s not only making bad decisions, he’s making them on a team that can’t afford them.

Cutler – disappearing into the pile of mediocrity that is the Bears

And Jay “Two Games Under .500” Cutler, who’s career record is now 67-69, falls to 50-49 with the Bears.  That makes him only 3 losses away from being Jay “Two Games Under .500 With The Bears” Cutler.  And we all know that he’ll lose 3 more than he wins this year.  That means he’ll be the same number of games over .500 as everybody reading this blog.  Kinda makes you question your salary, doesn’t it?

One of the few plays the Butler didn’t turn it over

The Low Down
We got right to work by starting the game with a 3-and-out, including a Cutler sack on our second play.  Then Philly came out with a no-huddle and walked down the field to a 1st-and-goal at our 9.  But we came up big and stopped them short (I stop short!), holding them to a FG.  And then we drove, and we looked good doing it.  I thought for a minute that maybe we could put something together.  But I was as wrong as I was when I decided to write the blog this season.

Jay actually completed 70% of his passes.  Not this one, but still.

Then, as if on cue, Connor “I Bet You Forgot About Gould Until I Made You Want To” Barth missed a 31-yarder – his only attempt of the day.  And oh, the Robbie “Don’t Forget I Cost You SEVERAL Games Last Year” Gould references were flying like missed Gould FG’s.  But don’t sweat Barth – he’s just as bad as Gould but at a fraction of the cost.  And we can use the extra cash to pay important guys, like Lamarr “I’m Out For The Season After Re-Injuring The ACL I Tore Celebrating A Sack Two Years Ago, But This Time, I Wasn’t Getting A Sack – Or Even A Tackle” Houston had 0 tackles and 0 sacks before re-injuring the ACL he tore celebrating a sack two years ago.  BTW, he’s out for the year.

Houston’s got 99 problems, and an ACL is one

But then Philly punted, and we somehow scored a TD.  We actually led for over 11 minutes in the second quarter.  But then we 3-and-outed, and gave up a FG.  And then when we got the ball with 2:22 left in the half, we 3-and-outed for the third time in five drives, and gave it back with 1:46 left.  They kicked a quick FG, took the lead, and never looked back.  Though we gained more yards on fewer plays, converted more third downs (4-3) and punted fewer times (4-3), our first four second half drives ended with a fumble, a punt, an INT and another fumble.  Yeah, 3 turnovers to 0 certainly doesn’t help.  Especially when your backup QB sucks, too.

Who has a karate chop delivery and didn’t turn the ball over?
THIS guy!

Doubtlook
Fortunately, Chris “I’m The Closest Thing We Have To Chris Conte” Prosinski, who’s name Coach Fox pronounced like he’d never heard it before in the post game, is one of those injured.  But we’re sure to lose to another rookie QB next week in Dallas, so at 0-3 next week, we can already kiss the playoffs goodbye.  I don’t see anything to be optimistic about.  Except, well, we don’t have Conte.  Or Gould.  And Prosinski’s hurt.  But that’s really it.

Prosinski doing his best “Sad Conte in the End Zone” walk

Quotes of Note
Comcast’s Jim Miller: “They haven’t been able to put together a 60-minute football game.” ~ I don’t think they’ve put together 60 minutes total so far this season, Jimbo.

The Bears were nowhere to be seen on Monday night in Chicago

Comcast’s Alex Brown: “I saw a lot of guys that, late in the game, I saw them stop playing.” ~ He must have been watching game film of himself.

If these were Bears players, they’d blow out their knees…
and be down by 2 TD’s

ABC’s Sean McDonough, as they cut to commercial after the Bears missed FG, with the score 3-0: “Tied at 3 on Monday Night Football in Chicago.” ~ This whiz kid had a rough night.  (see below)

The Eagles paid respects by saluting the flag at Soldierz Field –
as Jay silently protested on his knees during the National Anthem

Comcast’s Dave Wannstedt, still the mental giant he’s always been: “This was one I thought the Bears were gonna win.” ~ Before you judge him, as our staff did (and rather harshly, I might add), check this out…

Wannstedt 2, The Redemption:  “The Bears are playing against two teams.  They’re trying to beat Philadelphia…and themselves.” ~ Coach, just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this.  AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!

“Segue to Commercial” of the Year
After John Gruden was complimentary of Philly’s head coach (his summary: “I like what I see from Doug Peterson, Sean”), Sean McDonough response: “He’s been through a lot, particularly recently.  First year as a head coach.  At the end of the preseason…he got a call that his dad was just about to pass away.  We’ll have more on that, but first a timeout.” ~ Bob Costas, eat your heart out.  I could’ve sworn I heard the noise from the Debbie Downer skit on SNL.

BEAR DOWN?

#ThanksMcCaskeys

© 2016

This entry was posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2016 at 8:08 am and is filed under e) 2016 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.