Bear Down Baffa

The Bears headed to Lambeau for a Thursday nighter, facing A-A-Ron Rodgers and his career-low QBR 88.4.  (BTW, Cutler’s career QBR is 85.9).  We brought our #2, Brian “The Deuce” Hoyer, who’d thrown for 300 yards 4 games in a row, and hadn’t thrown an INT in 181 passes.  But we didn’t discount double-check ourselves before we discount double-wrecked ourselves, as Rodgers completed a franchise-record 39 passes.  And while Deuce extended his NFL-best pick-less streak to 200, he threw for just 49 yards before getting toolboxed by Clay “Captain Toolbox” Matthews, who broke Hoyer’s arm.  Cut to our #3 QB, Matt “Gnarls Charles” Barkley, who wasn’t even on our roster until a month ago.  So we’ve reached Defcon 3 – we’re down to our Gary Johnson of QB’s.

We went from #2, “The Deuce,” to #12, “El Doce,”
but with the same results

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We came in at 1-4, with just 2 wins in our last 10 home games, and 27 guys on our injury list.  But when you’re hosting a 1-3 team whose coach is 5-21 on the road, it’s your game to lose.  As it turned out, the Bears were up to that task.  Not only did we fail to score more than 1 TD, but we let the Jag-bags grab us by the pussies as we blew a 13-0 lead in the 4th quarter.  It’s time to hunker down in a bunker and ride out the storm.  There really is no hope for us this year.  Unless, of course, Trump wins the election.  Because he can make the Bears great again, too!

Like a dwarf scuba diver at quitting time,
the Bears just keep coming up short

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The Bears joined a selective group on Sunday.  At 1-4, we’re one of few teams that can only make fun of one other team: the 0-5 Cleveland Browns.  The Bears were back, breathing new life into their season with some flashes of brilliance from their rebuilt roster, and they had the chance to keep that season alive.  But some of the other pieces of that roster showed more of what you’d call flashes of incompetence.  And the brightest of those – the thrift shop version of an NFL kicker, a guy who doesn’t even really work here – Connor “I Think I’m Gonna” Barth, officially made everyone want to barf.  And that’s what makes this so difficult.

All 3 Bears pictured look like they’re gonna Barth

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The Chicago Bears’ backs were against the wall.  You know, the one Trump is going to make the Mexicans build?  We hadn’t won in 10 months, had lost 4 straight and 6 straight at home – where we’d never lost 7 straight.  And we hadn’t beaten Detroit (sucks!) in 6 tries, since Lovie Smith was calling inappropriate timeouts and challenging the wrong plays in his Bear’s finale in 2012.  But while Cutler may have been out sucking his thumb, Brian “#2” Hoyer made like an illegal alien and dug a tunnel under that wall, and broke all of those streaks at once.  Our only hope is that he doesn’t get deported in the next five months –  that’s right, the Super Bowl is in five months!

Hoyer asks Jay if he wants to come in to see what it’s like to win

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