We came in at 1-4, with just 2 wins in our last 10 home games, and 27 guys on our injury list. But when you’re hosting a 1-3 team whose coach is 5-21 on the road, it’s your game to lose. As it turned out, the Bears were up to that task. Not only did we fail to score more than 1 TD, but we let the Jag-bags grab us by the pussies as we blew a 13-0 lead in the 4th quarter. It’s time to hunker down in a bunker and ride out the storm. There really is no hope for us this year. Unless, of course, Trump wins the election. Because he can make the Bears great again, too!
Like a dwarf scuba diver at quitting time,
the Bears just keep coming up short
The Low Down
This game started off so good. In the first half, we scored 10 points on 4 drives while going 7 for 10 on 3rd down. But in the second, we scored just 6 points on 7 drives while going 0 for 7 on 3rds. Jax didn’t score on their first 6 drives, giving us our first halftime shutout in 4 years, and our first third quarter shutout in God knows how long. But Jax scored 17 on their final 4 drives, taking a 17-16 lead with 3 minutes left. It was our first blown 4th quarter lead of 13 or more since 1999. That’s since before Urlacher.
At least we played 3 quarters this week
Brian “The Deuce” Hoyer played kinda like a Kyle Orton. The undrafted Hoyer (30/49, 61%, for 302, 0 TD, 0 INT, 78.8 QBR) was about even with Jax’s 3rd overall pick, Blake Bortles (20/33, 61%, for 271, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 fumble, 84.3 QBR). But Bortles put more biscuits in the basket, including when it mattered most. So ultimately, he out-played the Deuce.
Is it me, or does Bortles look like he just ate a Tic Tac
and non-consensually grabbed someone by the pussy?
Hoyer isn’t turning the ball over, which is as exciting as it is shocking. And he extended his pick-less streak to a now league-leading 180 passes. You can argue that he’s managing the game better than Cutler, but the QB is supposed to find the end zone, and he isn’t doing that. Despite Cameron “Alshon Who?” Meredith’s 11 catches for 113 yards (that’s 20 for 243 in 2 games), you can’t deny the fact that with an O-Line and a defense both doing their jobs, Hoyer is just 1-3.
Hoyer did his best to prevent it, but Jax
still frequently grabbed him by the pussy
Defensively, we were dominant – at least until the fourth quarter. Overall, we held them to 55 yards rushing, 262 passing, and came up with 2 turnovers and 3 sacks. Willie “Get 2 More Sacks This Week?” Young got 2 more sacks this week, giving him 5 in 2 games. But we couldn’t keep the lead with our offense continuously failing to reach the end zone. The D still needs to get a lot better.
Young came up with 2 sacks, a forced fumble,
and he repeatedly grabbed Bortles by the pussy
Too bad for Connor “I’m Gonna” Barth, who had his most productive game in almost a year, and his best game as a Bear. He was 3 for 3 with an XPT, making him the game’s high scorer with 10 points. So this wasn’t about him, or Robbie “He Gone!” Gould being gone. We had our chance late, but we didn’t get close enough for a Barth Vader kick, so we didn’t make a call to the dark side.
Holder Pat “Grab ‘Em By The Pussy” O’Donnell likes to
keep 1 hand clean for post game pussy grabbing festivities
And that late chance was a good one. Starting at our 25 with 3 minutes left, we moved into Jag-bag territory with a first down in under a minute. But on 3rd-and-6, Jordan “Rushing For Only 34 Yards And Committing Penalties Is My New Forte” Howard committed a penalty (our TENTH!), moving us back to a 3rd-and-16. Of course we threw a 5-yard pass, and then couldn’t convert on 4th-and-10. So we really have no one to blame except ourselves. Well, and Hillary.
There is not doubt in my mind that there is a Bear
in there somewhere committing a penalty on this play
Doubtlook
At 1-5, we’re not only in last place in our division, but we’re tied for last place in our conference. So the only thing we can really be optimistic about is the draft. Cleveland is 0-6, and there are 3 other NFL teams with 1 win (SF, CAR, NYJ). Carolina is bound to turn things around, so we’re definitely in the running for the #2 pick. Maybe the only good news is that we’re probably also the favorite for it.
No matter how close the Bears get, we
just can’t seem to reach the end zone
Quotes of Note
Comcast’s Chris Boden: “This is still all about…getting into the end zone, which has been (their) bugaboo…2nd in the league in yards per play, and 2nd to last in the league in points per game at 17. ~ Who uses the word “bugaboo” anymore?
Comcast’s Jim Miller: “That’s their bugaboo. When they need to make the plays, and the plays are there to be made…you got to make those.” ~ I guess Boden and Miller, that’s who. At least they’re in agreement on what the Bear’s bugaboo is.
This Glenn penalty was called by both the ref and the Jag’s #11
Miller: “I counted 3 dropped passes in the second half. That can’t happen…easily the game could’ve been 21-0.” ~ Not so easy without Cutler, is it?
Comcast’s Alex Brown: “We’ve got to put the ball in the end zone…like Jim said, this should’ve easily been 21-0.” ~ Come on, Alex, give us your opinion, not Miller’s.
Believe it or not, we didn’t score on this play
Coach Fox: “Our margin for error is very, very minimal right now. And I think our record is kind of an indicator of that.” ~ Talk about burying “we suck and you know it” in platitudes.
Brown, misquoting Fox: “Coach Fox said it, our margin for error is so minimal that you can’t make these bonehead plays.” ~ Alex, if you’re not even going to be original, at least get the original quote right.
Don’t they look like they have full faith in Barth Bag (#4)?
Comcast’s Moon Mullin: “Hoyer is throwing up yardage totals, but when he needs that one throw in the end zone or the first down, it’s inaccurate.” ~ Sounds like we found a guy that can be just as bad as Cutler, but for 10% of the price.
Mullin on Jeffery not fighting for the ball on our last play: “You have a guy like Alshon Jefferey…and yet you see a play like that at a pivotal moment, that’s what losses are made of.” ~ Well that, injuries, and a backup QB are all parts of what losses are made of, Moon. And Benghazi.
We now kneel during the anthem to support both the BLM (Black
Lives Matter) and GEBTP (Grab ‘Em By The Pussy) movements
BEAR DOWN?
#VoteTrumpAndGEBTP
Bear Down Baffa 
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