Bear Down Baffa

Blah, blah, blah.  The Bears lost again.  It sucks.  Everyone is depressed about how bad we are.  Thanksgiving was great.  I ate a little too much.  Bought some black socks on Black Friday.  Tried a salad without dressing.  Threw an empty water bottle in a regular garbage can instead of recycling it.  Cause I don’t give a fuck anymore.

And apparently our fan base doesn’t either

The Low Down
This one pretty much sucked the whole way.  There was a little tease at the end, but then it sucked the big one.  We scored first, seventh, and then eighth (which was last).  We trailed at halftime 21-7, and started the 2nd half with an onside-kick that we recovered.  But then we threw a pick in the end zone, 1 of 2 Matt “El Doce” Barkley INT’s on the day.

Barkley spent a little too much time playing defense Sunday

We did have a chance to score ninth: trailing by 6 with 0:47 left, we had a 1st-and-goal at the Tenn 7.  But Doce threw cuatro (4) straight incompletions.  It wasn’t his inability to throw, though he isn’t really any good, it was our extensive list of backup receivers on the field.  Apparently none of them has ever caught a Barkley pass in practice, because he threw 26 incompletions.

Barkley was the only one celebrating that he was starting

Three Bear receivers were each targeted 9 times, but combined they caught only 11 of those 27.  Deonte “Beyonce” Thompson caught 5 of his, Josh “I Dropped The Game-Winner In The End Zone” Bellamy caught 4, and Cameron “Burgess” Meredith just 2.  Of our 11 targeted receivers, only 2 caught every pass: Ka’Deem “Ka’Drew Ka” Carey and Eddie “He Just A Little Guy” Royal.  But they were only thrown to once.  Everyone else had the dropsies.

Hey Bellamy, how did this play end?
(click this link to hear the answer)

Doubtlook
This season has basically turned into a countdown to January, when we’ll learn our draft position.  Then we’ll bite our nails until the draft April 27-29.  And then we’ll all internally create some unjustified excitement for opening day September 10.  But this season is done, folks.  There’s nothing left to see here.

Meredith didn’t drop a name, a hint or an album,
but he dropped just about everything else

So, for our last 5 games, I propose we sign 5 QB’s to 1-week contracts: Tim Tebow, Johnny Manziel, Jim McMahon, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and a fan that wins a tryout where prior QB experience at any level disqualifies you.  They each get one start.  Let them bring their own playbooks and call their own plays.  And they must finish their game, there are no substitutions – unless one of them dies on the field.  If that happens, someone named McCaskey has to come in and finish up.  Come on, let’s at least make the Bears exciting again!

Jeremy “1, Maybe 2 Drops” Langford was 0 for 2 passes, at
least 1 of which was dropped (as evidenced by this picture)

Quotes of Note
Announcer: “This Bears offense has struggled some, and that is putting it mildly.  Only team in the league that has failed to score 24 points in any game this season.” ~ And we’d probably be the only team with a Supreme Court Justice starting at QB if the Bears listened to my proposal.

Logan “Lou Gehrig” Paulsen was 0 for 1 pass, and his name sounds
like an illness: “Did you hear?  He’s got Logan Paulsen’s disease.”

Announcer: “10 of 22 opening day starters are out due to injury or suspension.  And when you have that kind of movement, you’re gonna have some inconsistencies in your ability to score or stop the opposing offense.  Could be a problem.” ~ Either a concisely-stated, big picture, objective observation, or duh.  You decide.

Even our game-best, Marquess “De Sade” Wilson, who caught 8
of 11 targets, appeared to have contracted Logan Paulsen’s Disease

Announcer: “I’ve never seen anything like this, where it’s so easy to throw against a secondary, (Bears) receivers are getting open all day, but they’re dropping them repeatedly.” ~ And the Bears find yet another new way to let us down this year.  It’s the worst season ever!  Well, since last season.

Look how excited they got when someone actually caught one!

Coach Fox on being 2-9: “The results are wins and losses, and the results have not been good.” ~ Yeah, be sure to put that on your resume next year, Coach.

We just lost to a team with Mariani.  After losing 2 weeks
ago to a team with Conte.  What does that say about us?

BEAR DOWN?

#LoganPaulsensDisease

© 2016

This entry was posted on Sun, Nov 27, 2016 at 11:36 pm and is filed under e) 2016 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.