Bear Down Baffa

What the hell am I doing?  I had given up on this blog at the end of last season – like I was seriously going to hang it up for good.  And now I’m starting this season early?!  Yes, this is our first ever PRE-season preview, but it’s not my fault.  The Bears went and made three monumental moves in one off-season!  With so much change at the QB position, so many related reader questions, and so much fake news out there, I felt it best to first address this all by itself.  And then I can discuss the other crap I typically cover in my “regular” season preview just ahead of Week 1.  I also wasn’t sure the world would still exist then, with Trump making America great again and all.

Raise your hand if you think the Bears got worse at QB

Decisions, Decisions At The QB Position
Either by design or circumstance, GM Ryan “On His Way Out Unless He Picks Up The” Pace chose this Spring to put his official stamp on the Bears rebuild.  As of my last post (Jan. 2), he was stuck with a body-language-challenged underachiever (Cutler), a broken arm that can throw everywhere except into the end zone (Hoyer), and an athletically (as well as overwhelmingly) incapable nincompoop (do I need to say Barkley?).  Two months later, Pace had an empty QB nest, money to spend, and the #3 overall pick.  Whether he orchestrated it, merely played the hand he was dealt, or was reaching to save his job, these three “situations” (which magically and/or tragically aligned) were the keys to completing the three-step QB overhaul process (outlined below).

Pace – when asked to show how high his QB erection is this year

1) Cut Franchise QB
First, Pace decided (or was forced to decide) to move on (.org) from our Franchise QB (FQB) of 8 years – regardless of what he thought of the Butler’s shoulder, salary or personality.  Though his OC’s switched as often as The Mooch switches tenses of the F-word in on-the-record conversations, Jay only reached the playoffs once, and he won just one playoff game.  It was time for a change, and Cutler isn’t the kind of player to coach up his replacement.  So we had to cut him, no matter what our QB plans (or options) were.  Perhaps enabled by the high draft pick, this move kicked off the QB overhaul operation and created the impetus for the next two.

I can’t tell if he’s waving hello or good-bye.  Either way it’s sad 😦

2) Sign Bridge QB
Second, we needed to bridge the gap to our next FQB.  And Mike Glennon was about as good as we were going to get picking through free agency.  Sure, 3 years and $45M seems steep for a guy who’s played just 21 games, hasn’t started in 3 years, and has only thrown 630 NFL passes (Cutler threw 616 in 2008 alone).  But we’re only committed to $18.5M, which is cheap for security at the highest-demand position.  If Glennon busts, gets hurt, or becomes useless, we drop him like a deuce.  But if he becomes our best option (i.e., our FQB busts, or we don’t get an FQB), we’ve got him locked down for 3 years at a rate that’s $3M less than Cutler would’ve cost us.  Perhaps forced by the first step, this one enabled the third.

Glennon – when told the Bears will most likely cut him next year

3) Draft Franchise QB
And third, once you’ve got your bridge, you sit back, relax, take your time, do your due diligence, and then, only when the perfect opportunity comes along, you gracefully target your FQB.  Or if you stumble upon one at any point in the next 49 days, you trade four draft picks to move up one spot and fucking pounce on him!  Either way works.  But with the first two moves completed, Pace really had no choice but to use our highest draft position in almost half a century on an FQB.  And apparently he really liked Mitch Trubisky – so much so that he committed $18.5M to making people believe that he didn’t, and then bet his entire career on the fact that he does.

Trubisky – when told the Bears are only bound to Glennon for 1 year

Official Introduction Of Our New QB Roster
1)  Mike “ESPN 8 – The Ocho” Glennon

Number: 8
Age: 27 (12/12/89)
Height: 6’6”
Weight: 225 lbs
From: Fairfax County, VA
High School: Westfield (Chantilly, VA)
– VA Gatorade Player of the Year (2007)
College: North Carolina State
– Redshirt (2008)
– Backup (2009-10)
– Starter (2011-12)
– MVP of Belk Bowl (2011)
Draft: 3rd round (73rd) by TB (2013)

At NC State, Glennon backed up Russell “I Bet Tom Hanks Likes The Seahawks Because My Last Name Is” Wilson for 2 years, and went 15-11 as a starter (60% of 1,017 passes, 62 TD’s, 29 INT’s).  With the Bucs, “the Ocho” took over for 0-3 Josh “To Ensure That I’m Never 12-Years-A-Slave’d, I Changed My Name To” Freeman, going 4-9 (59% of 416 passes, 19 TD’s, 9 INT’s, 84 QBR) and making the All-Rookie Team.  In his 2nd season, Tampa hired Lovie Smith, who brought in Josh “I Was Great In Chicago For 6 Weeks” McCown.  When 0-3 McCown got hurt, Glennon went 1-4 (58% of 203, 10 TD’s, 6 INT’s, 83 QBR) before McCown returned to finish 1-10 (56% of 327, 11 TD’s, 14 INT’s, 70 QBR) – with the same cast and scheme.

Glennon knows Trubisky is watching his every move

The next year, Lovie screwed them both, releasing McCown and drafting Heisman winner Jameis “Crab Legs” Winston #1 overall.  Glennon didn’t play in 2015, and only appeared once in 2016.  A May 2017 Blake Hoffman article on all 32 NFL QB’s ranked Glennon #31, but I like him.  He just hasn’t been given a fair shot as a starter.  He’s tall, smart, and healthy, with only 56 career sacks (Cutler had 52 in 2010 alone).  By comparison, Glennon’s career QBR (85) bests his peers (Freeman 78, McCown 78), and it’s right there with Winston (85) and Cutler (86).  Additionally, not only is Glennon’s TD/INT ratio the best in this group, he’s the only one who hasn’t thrown a pick in 3 years.

This is Glennon’s 2nd time watching his team draft a top-2 QB

2)  Mitch “The Troubadour” Trubisky

Number: 10
Age: 22 (8/20/94)
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 220 lbs
From: Mentor, OH
High School: Mentor (OH)
– AP Ohio’s Mr. Football (2012)
College: North Carolina
– Redshirt (2013)
– Backup (2014-15)
– Starter (2016)
– Lost Sun Bowl (2016)
Draft: #2 overall by Chicago (2017)

Trubisky played behind Marquise “Don’t Confuse Me With Marquess ‘No Longer A Bear’ Wilson” Williams for 2 years at NC.  In 18 backup games, “the Troubadour” completed 66% of 125 passes (11 TD’s, 4 INT’s), and as a starter, he went 8-5 (68% of 447 passes, 30 TD’s, 6 INT’s).  Most critics say either his sample size is too small for an accurate assessment, or he’s not NFL-ready with only 13 starts.  But Trubisky prepped like a starter for 4 years, and he threw almost as many collegiate passes as last year’s #2 overall pick (Carson Wentz, now a 16 game NFL starter).  I think Trubisky’s a winner, and I believe you’ll all be screaming his name in orgasmic bliss for decades to come.  I already have.  A few times.

Trubisky: “I’m pretty sure this meme was created before the draft.”

3)  Mark “Dirty Butt Fumble” Sanchez

Number: 6
Age: 30 (11/11/86)
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 225 lbs
From: Long Beach, CA
High School: Mission Viejo (CA)
– Rated top U.S. high school QB (2005)
College: USC
– Redshirt (2005)
– Backup (2006-07)
– Starter (2008)
– MVP of Rose Bowl (2008-09)
Draft: #5 overall by NY Jets (2009)

Dirty Sanchez absolutely sucks, so he’s nothing more than an insurance policy.  Drafted the same year we traded for Cutler, he’s gone 37-35 (56.7% of 2,285 passes, 86 TD’s, 86 INT’s, 74 QBR) over his 8-year career.  That’s about as bad as you can be while still keeping a job.  He is worse than every horrible QB the Bears have ever had (Chicago Bears: 30 QB’s in 30 Years).  I strongly advise you to prepare yourself in case the Butt Fumble ever steps foot on the field – it’ll either be a sign of the apocalypse or that our season is over.  Or both.

Dirty Sanchez’s “Butt Fumble”

PRE-Season Predictions
Due to all the QB-related craziness, I had to make a handful of predictions above and beyond the Bears record this year.  Here is what will happen this year (and you can make book on them, missy!):

1. Miami will make the playoffs
2. Adam Gase will win “Coach of the Year”
3. Cutler will make the Pro Bowl
4. Cutler will win “Comeback Player of the Year”
5. Glennon will finish 2nd in “Comeback Player of the Year”
6. Despite solid stats, Glennon will be benched due to losing
7. Trubisky will play his 1st game week 12 @ home vs. SF Dec. 3
8. Trubisky will be declared our #1 QB before season’s end
9. The Bears will NOT make the playoffs
10. John Fox will be fired at halftime of our season finale, but he won’t be notified until after his postgame press conference, just like the Bears always do it (real classy like!)

Fox is the McCain of the Bears – everyone’s waiting for him to die

Amongst other gems, I will post my prediction for the Bear’s record this year in my regular season preview in a few weeks.  It won’t be pretty, but neither is your mom.

If nothing else, we can make fun of Sanchez all year!

BEAR DOWN!

Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!

#TroubadourOrBust

© 2017

This entry was posted on Thu, Aug 10, 2017 at 10:48 am and is filed under d) 2017 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.