Bear Down Baffa

Well, the rebuild is over, folks.  The Bears made their big move, which finally showed their hand and told a story.  That story:  what you see now is what you’re getting.  And that includes us having no face to go with our franchise.  The most likely mug is Trubisky’s, but it’s all a matter of when he starts.  Since 2000, 23 of the 26 QB’s drafted in the top 10 have started as rookies.  And our boy wasn’t just taken top 10 – the Bears traded 4 picks to move up from 3 to 2, revealing their love for him as awkwardly as a guy climbing out of a public pool with a raging boner.  So all the signs point to Truby Tuesday playing ASAP.  Unfortunately, it won’t be soon enough to win us a Super Bowl this year.

You can already hear the crowds: “Tru-by!  Tru-by!  Tru-by!”

That’s All I Have To Say About That:  Cutler
With Cutler getting cut, I felt compelled to summarize his time in Chicago to provide some closure.  Let us not forget that it started with that weird trade in April 2009 – when he was just 25.  He didn’t choose the Bears, the Bears chose him, and they didn’t really have a plan for him.  But even with a revolving door in leadership (3 head coaches and 6 OCs over 8 seasons), he still managed to go .500 (51-51).  By comparison, our record without him over that time was just 7-19 (.269).  At that rate, our other QB’s would have gone 27-75 in Jay’s place, a difference of 24 wins, or 3 W’s each season.

Cutler looks as happy to be in Miami as he did Chicago

As a Bear, the Butler went 2,020 of 3,271 (61.8%) for 23,443 yards, with 154 TD’s, 109 INT’s, 251 sacks, and an 85.2 QBR.  All but his INT’s are franchise bests (* min. 300 attempts), with Jay finishing 2nd behind Sid “I Had A Run Of Bad” Luckman’s 132 picks.  And in Cutler’s 2 playoff games, he went 21 for 42 (50%) for 354 yards, with 2 TD’s, 1 INT and an 84.8 QBR, while also running 10 times for 53 yards and 2 TD’s.  My point is this:  Jay was the 2nd best QB we’ve ever had – he was never the problem.  That’s it, I’m done.

Even Ben Affleck is over discussing Cutler’s stay in Chicago!

Tenure Top Ten
With the departure of the afore(and-never-again-heretofore-to-be)mentioned veteran QB, we now have a new “longest tenured player.”  And I bet you couldn’t name him even if I told you 10 things about him and showed you his picture.  Let’s test my theory.

1.  He’s 29 years old (making him 9th oldest on our active roster).
2.  He’s from Peoria, IL.
3.  He went to Richwoods high school (where I student taught).
4.  He earned All Big 10 honors his senior year at Northwestern.
5.  He was drafted by Houston in the 5th round in 2010.
6.  We traded Tyler “Quit Calling Me A” Clutts for him in Aug. 2012.
7.  He’s the only Lovie Bear remaining.
8.  He was a Pro Bowl alternate (Special Teams) last year.
9.  He also plays Defensive Back.
10. He wears #27.

One of the rare pics of this mystery man in action

Still can’t figure it out?  OK, let’s narrow it down to 4 choices:

A)  Cre’von LeBlanc
B)  Sherrick McManis
C)  Javarius Tequarius-Jones
D)  Hingle McCringleberry

Answer:  B) McManis.  Incidentally, I made up the name for C), and D) is from Key & Peele.  So if you chose either of those, you really better aks somebody.

McManis was just named a team captain – now you know why

So, the Bear’s current tenure list goes like this:

1.  “I Shot The” Sherrick McManis
2.  Kyle “You Bet Your Ass I’ve Been Here This” Long (May 2013)
3.  Zach “Galifianakis Drinks Lite Beer From” Miller (Dec. 2013).

The next 7 were all acquired in 2014; the first 3 via free agency, and then 4 from the draft:

4.  Lamarr “I Hope ‘Brownie’ Isn’t Doing A Heckuva Job In” Houston
5.  Willie “Nelson Has Smelled Like Weed Since He Was” Young
6.  Christian “Wait, I’m A Jew” Jones
7.  Kyle “My Glass Has Never Been Half” Fuller
8:  Ka’Deem “Ka’Harry Ka” Carey
9:  Pat “Trump’s Wall Should Keep Mexicans From Blocking My Punts” O’Donnell
10. Charles “I Still Support Conan Over” Leno.

Don’t worry if you can’t name any of our new players.
Because neither can I.  And neither can they.

Rounding Out The Roster
As of today, only 10 guys remain from the Phil “Out The Roster With Crap” Emery era.  That means that 81% of our 53-man roster has come since Pace and Fox were hired in Jan. 2015.  So yes, for all intents and purposes, the rebuild is over.  And we’re about to enter either the “Win Now” phase, or yet another “Rebuild” phase in 4 months.  The good news is at least we’ll have an answer by December.  The bad news is the answer will undoubtedly be bad.  Very bad.

Coach Fox: “Who thinks we’ll have to rebuild again in 4 months?”

Additions via 2017 Draft (by round):

1st:  Mitchell “The Trubador” Trubisky (QB)
2nd:  Adam “I Drink Tiger Blood From Charlie” Shaheen (TE)
4th:  Tarik “My Agent’s Last Name Is Also” Cohen (RB)
4th:  Eddie “Sorry Miss” Jackson (S)
5th:  Jordan “You Won’t See My Name Again” Morgan (G).

Glennon: “Hey Mitch, nice toss!”
Trubisky: “It’s Mitchell.  Now get me a juicebox!”

Notable free agent additions (in order of 2017 salary cap hit):

– Mike “ESPN 8 – The Ocho” Glennon (QB)
– Prince “Didn’t Have A Top 10 Hit After 1994” Amukamara (CB)
– Dion “And The Belmonts” Sims (TE)
– Markus “Only Idiots Spell Markus With A C” Wheaton (WR)
– Marcus “No One Really Likes Markus Wheaton” Cooper (CB)
– Quintin “Ain’t No Squintin While I’m Sprintin” Demps (S)
– Mark “Dirty Butt Fumble” Sanchez (QB)
– Tom “Is White, So You Know He’s Not From” Compton (OT)
– Taquan “Fo Shizzle, My” Mizzell (RB).

Yes, unfortunately Prosinski is still on our roster.  Boo 😦
But he’s on Injured Reserve.  Yeah 🙂  #TrumpMAGA

Services no longer required (in order of how funny their names are):

– Franko “She’s a Brick…..” House
– Cornelius “Commonwealth” Edison
– Will “He Make The Roster? Nope” Sutton
– Tracy “I Prefer Lord Of The Rings To Harry” Porter
– Ego “Isn’t My Problem, I’m Just Too Good For Them” Furgeson
– Jhajuan “I’d Rather Be Clubbing Baby” Seales

Surprising nobody, undrafted rookie Brandon “Wait You Guys,
I Have To Put My Hair Back” Greene didn’t make the roster

Right On Schedule
We’ve got 13 Sunday games at noon this year, starting the season with our first of 3 straight on Sept. 10.  Our 4th game is a Thursday nighter in GB on 3 days rest (9/28), but then we get 10 days off before hosting Mini on Monday night (10/9).  Then it’s 3 more Sundays before our bye-week, which comes right in the middle of the season in week 9.  Our second half starts with 5 straight Sundays, then goes to a rare Saturday (12/16) in Detroit (sucks!).  And it wraps up with 2 more Sundays (X-Mas Eve and New Year’s Eve), which should make perfect bookends for the “War on Christmas” battles that week.

Fox: “OK, who thinks Glennon gives us the best chance to win?”
*Note: not even Glennon’s hand is raised.

Season Prediction
This year, we’re allowing our dedicated readers to submit predictions for the 2017 Bears record.  Just post a comment below with your name, projected win total, and home win total (as the tie-breaker).  All submissions are due prior to kickoff of game 1 (noon CST on Sun, 9/10).  The closest without going UNDER wins a date with Trubisky.  *Note:  you have to give the Troubs a hand-job after dinner (or you “get” to, depending on how big a Bears fan you are).  It’s the only way he’d agree to do it.  Sorry Mom, this makes you ineligible to participate.  But Dad, you’re good to go!

Once they learned of the requirements, Bear players lined
up in droves to submit their entries for the Trubisky date

As for my annual prediction, I’m basing it heavily on when I think the Troubadour will take over.  I’m updating my prediction from a month ago (which said week 12).  Since I now believe that it will be week 5 (after our 0-4 start), my official prediction is that the Bears will finish 7-9, with 5 home wins.  But of course it’s not up to me when the boy plays.  Heck, a lot of people think we should let him watch for a while.   I wonder what Ashley Schaeffer thinks we should do with him?

Apparently, he thinks we should “Let the boy watch”…

BEAR DOWN!

#LetTheBoyPlay

© 2017

This entry was posted on Wed, Sep 6, 2017 at 9:36 am and is filed under d) 2017 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.