Bear Down Baffa

For over a decade now, millions of fans have flocked to our blog for our pre-season predictions.  And we’ve gladly provided them, interspersed with cherry-picked stats and our brand of toilet humor.  But if 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that nobody knows what the hell’s going on, let alone what’s going to happen.  The Bears could go 16-0, or 0-16, and neither would surprise me anymore.  We’re mid-pandemic.  There are protests, riots, cities being taken over by citizens.  The canceling of pro sports games, due to both health concerns as well as player boycotts.  And worst of all, the Mask Wars.  Added to which, I’ve got one foot out the door on my beloved team.  So it’s really hard to be optimistic about anything, let alone the Bears.  But I did have high hopes last year, and we’re objectively better.  So, I’m gonna give the Bears one last chance.  But if they blow it AGAIN, I’m gonna pull a Conor McGregor and retire from them for good.  For the 3rd time.  That’s if we even make it to 2021.

Nagy:  “The 1st rule of training camp is don’t cough on me.
The 2nd rule of training camp is DON’T COUGH ON ME!”

The Low Down
The Bears are trying something new this year at QB – having two of them.  But they’ve kept mum on the plan – at least until Friday (9/4).  The Troubador is guaranteed $9M this year, so we’re stuck with him.  Some think that we’re moving on from him, though, as we didn’t exercise his 5th year option, we traded for another QB, and we didn’t designate a starter.  But if the plan is to sign Mitch long term, the Bears would’ve done the same things.  They still would’ve declined year 5 (about $25M, which is about the cost to franchise him if they can’t work out an extension).  They still would’ve brought in a vet to back him up.  And to encourage that vet to restructure his insane contract (3 yrs, down from $58M to $24M), they still would’ve “declared” it an open competition.  So these moves don’t tip Nagy’s hand.

Truby kissing up to new OC Bill “The QB Appraiser” Lazor, though he
wouldn’t try that with new QB Coach John “He’ll Flip You” DeFilippo.

Some argue that Nick “I Beat Mitch In The Playoffs – Who Do YOU Think Is Gonna Start?!” Foles was brought in because our staff has coached him before, and he knows our scheme.  But that doesn’t necessarily mean that they think he’s amazing.  Maybe they prioritized signing a QB who could adapt quickly over one with a high ceiling because of the pandemic.  It could be just that they know what he can do (whether good or great), and that he can do it soon.  Sure, Foles was amazing when he went 8-2 on 27 TDs to 2 INTs (2013), he was MVP of the Super Bowl (2017), and he beat the Bears in the playoffs (2018).  But those were all as a backup.  He hasn’t really done anything as “the guy.”  Which is why we only gave up a 4th rounder to get him, and why he won’t start week 1.

Lazor was Foles’ QBC in PHI (’13).  Nagy was his OC in KC (’16).
And DeFilippo was his QBC in PHI (’17), and his OC in JAX (’19).
AND Foles only wears one glove.  Mitch is DEFINITELY sweating.

I think Mitch will start week 1 (I wrote this part on Thurs, btw, before Nagy announced it).  But I think Foles will be our starter by week 6, as he’s best “off the bench.”  Plus, it gives him more time to get up to speed.  And it looks REALLY BAD if you start with Foles, and then have to bench him.  It’s MUCH easier to bench Mitch.  And if Mitch isn’t winning AND playing well, that’s what they’ll do.  I think his leash is 2 losses – and that’s even if he’s improved over 2018-Mitch.  If he’s 2019-Mitch, even if we’re undefeated, he’ll get yanked by week 4.  But the fragile Foles won’t last long (maybe 6, 8 games tops), so Mitch will return before the regular season ends.  And then Foles will come back from injury just in time for the playoffs, of course, because that’s his jam.  Here’s how I see it playing out, including our record during each stretch:

– Games 1-4:  Mitch (2-2)
– Games 5-12:  Foles (8-0)
– Games 13-16:  Mitch (2-2)
– Playoffs:  Foles (3-0)

To stay healthy, eL Truberino is using a new passing technique:
swatting away the ‘Rona droplets with his non-throwing hand.

The Role of the TE for Nagy
Nagy’s offense relies on the TE.  When he’s had a solid TE option, our offense has worked.  In 2018 (when we went 12-4), Trey “Buchet” Burton became our primary TE in week 2.  It was noticeable through week 9, and it was a glorious half-season, as he scored 5 TDs and averaged over 50 yards a game while the Bears averaged 30 points.  But it ended just as quickly as it started.  In our other 9 games that year (including the playoff game that “Hurton For A Squirtin” sat out with a tampon between his legs), he only scored once, averaged less than 20 yards, and the Bears averaged just 20 points.  This continued into 2019.  After 8 games with 0 scores and less than 10 yards in a game, and the Bears averaging less than 18 points, we shut “Trey Mal” down (and for those 2 years, we paid him $22M!).  And with no other legit TEs, the Bears averaged just 17 points the rest of 2019.  So this off-season, we made the TE position our primary target.

Nagy’s been desperately seeking out his next great TE, but
also masking up while maintaining a healthy social distance.

The Bears used their first draft pick on the best college TE, 6’6” Cole “Slaw” Kmet.  They also signed the 2nd best free agent TE, 6’7” Jimmy “Likes Elaine” Graham, who averaged 70 catches, 850 yards and 9 TDs over his first 8 years before tapering off in Green Bay the last 2.  Some questioned the signing, saying he’s old, we’re paying him too much, and he tapered off in GB.  Well first, he’s only 33, and the deal’s only 2 years.  Second, he’s drawing his lowest salary ($8M) since his rookie contract, and only 1 year is guaranteed.  And third, can you name a Packer TE other than Marc Chamura, Bubba Sparks or Jermichael Finley?  No, you can’t, because GB doesn’t use TEs because their QBs can throw a football further than 7 yards.  But that’s their best over the last 30 years, and they averaged just 27, 32 and 37 catches/year respectively.  And they all retired before turning 30.  Shit, Finley retired 7 years ago and he’s the same age as Graham!  Yet Graham averaged 47 catches in GB the last 2 years – both while already in his 30s.  So to me, the only question is:  can these 2 new TEs combine for over 100 receptions this year?

There were only 2 ways you could save Truby Tuesday’s career:
changing his name to McCaskey, or signing these 2 behemoths!
May I present you our 2 new Ditka’s: #85 Kmet and #80 Graham

Quotes of Note
Akiem “Taylor ‘Soul Patrol’” Hicks, when asked what he thought about playing without fans:  “When I suit up and I get my lather going…I bring my own juice.”  ~ Now, I’m not sure what kind of “lather” he’s talking about, but if that’s what he uses to stuff up the A-gap like rush hour traffic on the Kennedy, then pour some lather on me!

Apparently, Hicks tried out for the punt return team,
and all of his teammates seem to be on board with it

The “Captain And” Khalil Mack, on our QB:  “Just knowing the two guys that are up for the job, whatever they decide to go with…we’re going to be ready to win a lot of ballgames, and I can’t wait.  Whether it’s [Foles] or [Trubisky], we’re going to win.” ~ I mean, isn’t that EXACTLY what you want to hear from your best player?

So we could have THIS going for us…which would be nice…

New Outside LB coach Ted “El Niño” Monachino, on our new stud edge rusher Robert “The Situation” Quinn, who signed for 5 yrs and $70M:  “Quinn has a dominant trait, and we’re gonna try to use that dominant trait as much as we can…He’s a guy that can play in every situation, but there are some situations that he’s going to be better in.” ~ In other words, he’s a “situational” player, meaning he’s one dimensional, and can’t play every down.  But in passing situations, like on 3rd-and-long, watch the F out!

Quinn’s career average is .644 sacks/ game.  Khalil’s is .654.

Season Prediction
In the past, I’d typically predict that the Bears would go 16-0.  But over the last few years, I’ve made more honest and realistic projections.  I was 4 games over last year (12-4 vs. the Bear’s 8-8 finish), so I realize that I have very little (if any) credibility left.  But we’re basically the same team as the last 2 years.  Except better.  Much better.  We’ve got 2 QBs, 2 TEs, and 2 pass rushers.  We may even have 2 Macks!  So, I’m again predicting the Bears will go 12-4.  Which means one thing… ya betta stot makin ya Supa Bow plan…

Pace and Nagy should be the ones facing re-election this year,
AMIRITE?

BEAR DOWN!

Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!

#OneLastChance,Bears
#MaskWars
#BurtonsHurtinForASquirtinForCertain
#JimmyLikesElaine
#2QBs2TEs2PassRushersAndMaybeEven2Macks

© 2020

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