Bear Down Baffa

You have to give it to Matt “Jesus Take The Wheel” Nagy.  Already on his way out, he reached deep into his bag of tricks for an answer to the Bear’s offensive deficiencies.  And all he came up with was handing off play-calling duties to OC Bill “The Blazer” Lazor.  And though the Blazer did get 2 starting O-Linemen back, he was without our top 2 RBs, aka the Accounting Firm of Cohen & Montgomery.  So the effect of this “Hail Nagy” on our offense was indistinguishable.  And after starting our season 5-1, we’ve now lost 4 straight, and show no signs of being able to score another point this year, let alone win a game.  So even though only 6 NFC teams have better records than us, and we’re somehow STILL the #8 seed, I’m gonna go ahead and put a fork in the 2020 Bears.

Foles, saying goodbye to his hip, his eyes, and his 2020 season

The Low Down
The Bears were out of this game quickly, despite the Vikings turning the ball over on the opening drive.  On our 1st offensive play, Anthony “Lite Beer From” Miller got blocked into – and wound up tackling – receiver Darnell “Mo” Mooney behind the line of scrimmage.  And on our 2nd play, “1 Pick” Nick threw his obligatory 1 pick, which was about all I needed to see.  And though we actually led for most of Q3, that was only because Corduroy Patterson took the opening kickoff 104 yards to the house to start the 2nd half.  He alone wound up scoring more points (7) than our entire offense (6), Blazer and all.  So it wasn’t long before our lead vanished.

After returning a kickoff for a TD in a Pats uniform against us
in 2018, Patterson has now returned 2 for TDs since joining us

Even with 2 Bear takeaways, and us reaching Viking territory 4 times, the Blaze could only put up 2 FGs.  And other than holding Viking RB Dalvin Cook to a season-low 3.2 yards/ carry, the only real highlight from our D wasn’t even shown on TV in Chicago.  There was an Amber Alert issued towards the end of the 1st half, and it lasted a solid 7 minutes.  Apparently during that time, the “Captain And” Khalil Mack picked off a pass.  But not only did ESPN not show a replay after the feed returned, I never saw it the rest of the game.  Meanwhile, MIN went on to win comfortably, as they gained 2 ½ times as many yards as us (385 – 149).

I still haven’t seen the video of Mack’s pick, btw.

Foles finished 15/26 for 106 yards (a whopping 4.1/attempt!), 0 TDs, 1 INT, and a shockingly high 51.1 QBR.  He was 10/16 for 91 yards in the 1st half, which isn’t good, but we actually out-rushed the Vikings in that time by a yard (33 – 32) on fewer carries (15 – 10), so we only trailed by 1 at the half.  But Foles was especially awful in the 2nd half, going 5/10 for just 15 yards, while we were only able to gain 8 yards on the ground.  So it was a blessing when he was carted off the field in the game’s final minute, even though the Bear’s only option was a practice squad QB, Tyler “The Only Way I See The Field Is If Things Are In Complete Disarray” Bray.

Like Trump clinging to his presidency, the
Viking D didn’t want Foles to leave the field

It’s not often that you cheer when your back-up QB gets hurt, but it does happen.  Do you rememeber when Jay Cutler tweaked his vag and rode a stationary bike on the sideline during the 2010 NFC Championship Game vs. Green Bay?  Back-up Todd Collins came in for 2 drives and was so ineffective, they yanked him for Caleb Hanie, who’d thrown just 14 career NFL passes.  Well this game was just like that game, except 3rd-stringer, Tyler “The Last Time I Threw A Pass In A Game Was In My Driveway” Bray, had thrown exactly 1 NFL pass in his entire 8-year career.  And while this game was far less significant, I cheered “50 Shades Of” Bray’s entrance like Russell Crowe entering the arena in Gladiator.

“May Day” Bray (because you only go to him in emergencies)
is so unknown, it took me 20 mins to find a single pic of him

So, having taken just 4 career NFL snaps, with the Bears trailing by 6 with just 0:37 left, and facing 2nd-down at our 20, in steps “Raspberry” Bray.  And on his 1st play as a Bear, he threw his 1st ever NFL completion for 18 yards – which was more than we’d gained the entire 2nd half.  “Enola” Bray (because he drops bombs) then showed us why he never sees the field, throwing 4 straight incompletions – each more miserable than the last – before time ran out.  He finished 1/5 for 18 yards, raising his career stats to 1/6 for 18 yards.  “Pay Day” Bray has already been relegated back to the practice squad, which means he could retire having completed just 1 career pass – and with a career earnings above $4.3M.  What a country!

Instead of a number, “No Fucking Way” Bray
should have this patch stitched onto his jersey

Doubtlook
There are only 2 things from this game that are even remotely optimistic:  1) we only committed 1 penalty, and 2) though that penalty gave MIN a 1st down, we no longer lead the league in 1st downs by penalty.  But that’s it.  The truth is that over the next 7 weeks, the only time we WON’T lose is next week, but that’s because we have a bye.  It doesn’t even matter which QB we go with, even if it’s the kid we signed last week, Kyle “The Illegal Voter” Sloter.  Seriously, unless we run into a team that has to forfeit because they all have COVID, or we trade 1 of our QBs to a team that we have yet to play and that team starts that QB against us, we’re probably going to finish 5-11.  Which means we’ll finish the year on a 10-game losing streak.  So, as my boy Sully likes to say, “Brace for impact.”

The only way the Bears will score any more points
this year is if our opponents run our offense for us

Quotes of Note
ESPN announcer Louis Riddick (who’s been “suggested” as the next Bear’s GM), on Nick’s 1 pick:  “He had Miller wide open, he’s just got to put it on him…This o-line has been decimated all year, and has underperformed.  But they performed well right there.  The rest of the guys have to hold up their end of the bargain.” ~ Hey, Riddick couldn’t be any worse than everyone we’ve had since Ditka, could he?

Nagy, watching the Blazor do Nagy’s job just as
ineffectively, but for only a fraction of the price

Comcast’s Olin Kreutz, when asked the idiotic question about whether the Bears should break it all down and rebuild yet AGAIN:  “If you do blow everything up, I don’t know how many times that is now…eventually, you have to start looking at the (executive) guys who are doing the hiring of the (management) guys you’re bringing in.” ~ I’ve been listening to people say this almost every year since the Bears appointed Ted Phillips as President & CEO in 1999.  Can’t we get Robert Mueller to investigate HIM?!

https://twitter.com/TDonTap/status/1328552267566366722?s=20

I hope this is the last pass we ever see from Bray “The Toupee”
(because at 1st glance he appears to have you covered,
but even the slightest breeze will reveal that he’s fake)

BEAR DOWN!

#RaspberryBray

© 2020

This entry was posted on Wed, Nov 18, 2020 at 9:42 pm and is filed under a) NEW 2020 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.