Bear Down Baffa

Jesus would be rolling over in his grave.  If he hadn’t risen from the dead, I mean.  Sure, the Bears were in PFTD (Playing For The Draft) mode, but this was a debacle of biblical proportions.  And its Moses was Matt “5 Picks” Barkley and his 5 picks.  Our D also threw some Judas in there with 0 sacks and 0 takeaways, allowing 41 points.  But for the Bears to get Trestman-ed like this the day before Christ’s birth is a mortal sin.  And anyone who took time away from Jesus to watch it is complicit, and therefore, guilty by association.  So yes, the Bears just made you sin on the day Mary’s holy water broke.  But sin, son of God and Mary’s vajayjay aside, there is an upside – we actually gained ground in the draft.  You like that?!

“5 Picks” was like Secret Santa to Washington’s secondary

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Playing host to A-A-Ron “Run The Table” Rodgers and a GB team fighting for a playoff spot, no one expected the Bears to win Sunday.  Which is good because we’re in PFTD (Playing For The Draft) mode.  So when we came back from being down 17 to tie it with a minute left, Bear Nation felt betrayed, bewildered.  But luckily the Bears were quickly exposed for what they are, a scrapped-together crew of bandaids and tenderfeet.  And just like we’d expected, and hoped, after climbing out of the hole we dug ourselves into, we let Rodgers push us back into it.  And in doing so, we preserved the #4 spot in the draft.  So Halle-f-ing-lujah!

The Cheese tie our rivalry for the 1st time since 1933 (94-94-6)

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The Lions may be in first place, but everyone knows what their organization is really about:  blowing games.  Those colors showed on Sunday when Stafford, as if on a dare, handed the Bears the lead late in the 4th quarter.  But the Bears, who’ve collectively tucked back their sacks this season in favor of the draft, were having none of it.  When our first effort wasn’t good enough to lose, we took it up a notch.  Relying on late penalties, and a general incompetence on both sides of the ball, we gave the lead back, ensuring we would lose to them at their own game.  And in doing so, we moved up a spot in the draft.  It’s our one fallback this year – the worse the Bears play, the better it is for fans.  So when they achieve elite level sucking like this, it’s a particularly good week for Bear Nation!

Even Stafford couldn’t believe the Bears out-Lionsed the Lions

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Leave it to the Bears to lose by winning.  Against the backdrop of Chicago’s first snowfall of the season, they got their 3rd win.  But they got it from the 1-10 49ers, the only NFC team with fewer wins than us.  If we had lost, we’d be tied with them for the 15th worst record in the NFC (2-10).  Instead, we’re now 2 wins up, and all but guaranteed to draft behind them.  Even worse, we could now draft behind the 3-win Jets, or even the 4-win Rams and Panthers.  So enjoy the W, Chicago.  Cause it’s gonna cost us come April.

SF should’ve been the ones celebrating our scores

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