Bear Down Baffa

The Bears kicked off 2017 with a bang, going to Minnesota with one thing in mind in an otherwise meaningless game:  PFTD (Playing for the Draft).  It’s not only the one game we’ve mastered, it’s the only game we know how to play.  And play it we did, to the tune of our 4th straight loss, and our worst record (3-13) in franchise history.  With Matt “5 Picks” Barkley leading the way, we committed 5 turnovers – 1 of which led to a Minni score.  And he did it all on just 14 passes, so he really made the most of his opportunities.  But with the loss, we move up to the #3 overall pick in the draft for the first time in my lifetime.  Maybe Trump is making American great again after all!

Barkley, the guy in Chicago least interested in the ’17 draft –
also the guy that helped Chicago the most in the ’17 draft

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Jesus would be rolling over in his grave.  If he hadn’t risen from the dead, I mean.  Sure, the Bears were in PFTD (Playing For The Draft) mode, but this was a debacle of biblical proportions.  And its Moses was Matt “5 Picks” Barkley and his 5 picks.  Our D also threw some Judas in there with 0 sacks and 0 takeaways, allowing 41 points.  But for the Bears to get Trestman-ed like this the day before Christ’s birth is a mortal sin.  And anyone who took time away from Jesus to watch it is complicit, and therefore, guilty by association.  So yes, the Bears just made you sin on the day Mary’s holy water broke.  But sin, son of God and Mary’s vajayjay aside, there is an upside – we actually gained ground in the draft.  You like that?!

“5 Picks” was like Secret Santa to Washington’s secondary

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Playing host to A-A-Ron “Run The Table” Rodgers and a GB team fighting for a playoff spot, no one expected the Bears to win Sunday.  Which is good because we’re in PFTD (Playing For The Draft) mode.  So when we came back from being down 17 to tie it with a minute left, Bear Nation felt betrayed, bewildered.  But luckily the Bears were quickly exposed for what they are, a scrapped-together crew of bandaids and tenderfeet.  And just like we’d expected, and hoped, after climbing out of the hole we dug ourselves into, we let Rodgers push us back into it.  And in doing so, we preserved the #4 spot in the draft.  So Halle-f-ing-lujah!

The Cheese tie our rivalry for the 1st time since 1933 (94-94-6)

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The Lions may be in first place, but everyone knows what their organization is really about:  blowing games.  Those colors showed on Sunday when Stafford, as if on a dare, handed the Bears the lead late in the 4th quarter.  But the Bears, who’ve collectively tucked back their sacks this season in favor of the draft, were having none of it.  When our first effort wasn’t good enough to lose, we took it up a notch.  Relying on late penalties, and a general incompetence on both sides of the ball, we gave the lead back, ensuring we would lose to them at their own game.  And in doing so, we moved up a spot in the draft.  It’s our one fallback this year – the worse the Bears play, the better it is for fans.  So when they achieve elite level sucking like this, it’s a particularly good week for Bear Nation!

Even Stafford couldn’t believe the Bears out-Lionsed the Lions

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Leave it to the Bears to lose by winning.  Against the backdrop of Chicago’s first snowfall of the season, they got their 3rd win.  But they got it from the 1-10 49ers, the only NFC team with fewer wins than us.  If we had lost, we’d be tied with them for the 15th worst record in the NFC (2-10).  Instead, we’re now 2 wins up, and all but guaranteed to draft behind them.  Even worse, we could now draft behind the 3-win Jets, or even the 4-win Rams and Panthers.  So enjoy the W, Chicago.  Cause it’s gonna cost us come April.

SF should’ve been the ones celebrating our scores

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Blah, blah, blah.  The Bears lost again.  It sucks.  Everyone is depressed about how bad we are.  Thanksgiving was great.  I ate a little too much.  Bought some black socks on Black Friday.  Tried a salad without dressing.  Threw an empty water bottle in a regular garbage can instead of recycling it.  Cause I don’t give a fuck anymore.

And apparently our fan base doesn’t either

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This season is weird.  You can’t NOT watch, but when you do, it doesn’t really keep your attention.  So you just have the game on in the background.  But this one carried some personal baggage.  We were facing Robbie “I Now Miss FG’s For NY” Gould, who makes much, much less than we paid him to miss for us.  It was his big chance to show us what we were missing.  But we already knew what we were missing – FG’s and Extra Points.  We just wanted to do that more economically.  Well, Gould made his only FG attempt, but he missed 2 of his 3 XPT’s.  And Connor “I Think I’m Gonna” Barth continued his “every other” streak, going 1/2 on both FG’s and XPT’s.  In the end, the Giants won the game.  But by spending less per missed kick, I think we all know who won the battle of the shitty kickers here.

New uniform, same foot

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After playing twice in 5 days, the Bears had played just once in 23 days since.  With Cutler healthy, we flew into Tampa (3-5) well-rested and riding high on a 1-game win streak.  But while these ain’t Lovie’s Buccs anymore, we ain’t Lovie’s Bears anymore either.  We’ve become Trestman’s Bears, but with Lovie’s offense, as the Butler played like his 1st season under Lovie.  Committing 3 turnovers in the first 16 minutes, including INT’s on consecutive passes, “Hot Potato” Jay gave Chris “I’ve Never Had A Pick-6 Because I’ve Never Played Cutler” Conte his 1st career Pick-6.  And Bear fans were left to sit and squirm, like Hillary supporters on election night, as the Buccos snatched back the title of “Lovie’s Best Former Team.”  It looks like Trump is already making America shitty again.

Cutler even got burned by “Chernobyl Disaster” Conte

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I know the election is still a week away, but Jay Cutler is already making America great again.  And he’s starting in Chicago.  In his 100th game as a Bear, a Monday night Halloweener, Jay showed up in full costume, dressed up as a starting QB, and quickly reminded everyone what an NFL arm looks like.  In a game with 0 turnovers, only 3 penalties, and 2 Culter incompletions that hit Alshon “The Helmet” Jeffery in the helmet (1 in the back, 1 in the front), the Bears rallied around Jay and played a solid 55 minutes.  And that was enough to make the Butler 51-49 as a Bear.  Or as Trump would call him, the greatest in the world.

Cutler: “Don’t you worry, Chicago, daddy’s got this.”

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The Bears headed to Lambeau for a Thursday nighter, facing A-A-Ron Rodgers and his career-low QBR 88.4.  (BTW, Cutler’s career QBR is 85.9).  We brought our #2, Brian “The Deuce” Hoyer, who’d thrown for 300 yards 4 games in a row, and hadn’t thrown an INT in 181 passes.  But we didn’t discount double-check ourselves before we discount double-wrecked ourselves, as Rodgers completed a franchise-record 39 passes.  And while Deuce extended his NFL-best pick-less streak to 200, he threw for just 49 yards before getting toolboxed by Clay “Captain Toolbox” Matthews, who broke Hoyer’s arm.  Cut to our #3 QB, Matt “Gnarls Charles” Barkley, who wasn’t even on our roster until a month ago.  So we’ve reached Defcon 3 – we’re down to our Gary Johnson of QB’s.

We went from #2, “The Deuce,” to #12, “El Doce,”
but with the same results

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We came in at 1-4, with just 2 wins in our last 10 home games, and 27 guys on our injury list.  But when you’re hosting a 1-3 team whose coach is 5-21 on the road, it’s your game to lose.  As it turned out, the Bears were up to that task.  Not only did we fail to score more than 1 TD, but we let the Jag-bags grab us by the pussies as we blew a 13-0 lead in the 4th quarter.  It’s time to hunker down in a bunker and ride out the storm.  There really is no hope for us this year.  Unless, of course, Trump wins the election.  Because he can make the Bears great again, too!

Like a dwarf scuba diver at quitting time,
the Bears just keep coming up short

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The Bears joined a selective group on Sunday.  At 1-4, we’re one of few teams that can only make fun of one other team: the 0-5 Cleveland Browns.  The Bears were back, breathing new life into their season with some flashes of brilliance from their rebuilt roster, and they had the chance to keep that season alive.  But some of the other pieces of that roster showed more of what you’d call flashes of incompetence.  And the brightest of those – the thrift shop version of an NFL kicker, a guy who doesn’t even really work here – Connor “I Think I’m Gonna” Barth, officially made everyone want to barf.  And that’s what makes this so difficult.

All 3 Bears pictured look like they’re gonna Barth

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The Chicago Bears’ backs were against the wall.  You know, the one Trump is going to make the Mexicans build?  We hadn’t won in 10 months, had lost 4 straight and 6 straight at home – where we’d never lost 7 straight.  And we hadn’t beaten Detroit (sucks!) in 6 tries, since Lovie Smith was calling inappropriate timeouts and challenging the wrong plays in his Bear’s finale in 2012.  But while Cutler may have been out sucking his thumb, Brian “#2” Hoyer made like an illegal alien and dug a tunnel under that wall, and broke all of those streaks at once.  Our only hope is that he doesn’t get deported in the next five months –  that’s right, the Super Bowl is in five months!

Hoyer asks Jay if he wants to come in to see what it’s like to win

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We were supposed to be rebuilding, which started in 2013.  We’ve gone 19-32 since.  That’s a .372 winning percentage.  And not only are we not getting better, we’re getting worse.  We can’t even win at home, and we just lost to a rookie QB for the second straight week.  At 0-3 for the second straight year, it appears that we have to start the rebuild all over again.  You can blame management, coaches, players, injuries, change – you can blame whatever or whomever you want.  The bottom line is the Bears are performing as well as a belly dancer with the hiccups and diarrhea.  If only that belly dancer played QB, we’d at least have a chance.

Dallas QB Dak Prescott is smiling because
the Bears passed on drafting him – 6 times

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It’s official:  the Bears suck.  At 0-2, we’re already 2 games out of first, sitting alone in last, and trailing 9 teams for the Wild Card.  Over our last 17 home games, we’re 3-14.  That’s a winning percentage of .176.  And there are no signs that it’s going to lighten up anytime soon.  In fact, it’s getting worse.  Much like the 6 Bears players that left this game injured, the rest of our squad appeared to stop playing.  And I, for one, may stop watching.  Added to which, now our QB is hurt.  With an awful recent history, a current losing streak and no promise for the future, we’re officially a losing organization.  And we all know Chicago only has room for one of those, so god help us all!

The first of the turnover deuce that Cutler dropped

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If you Google the word “Brock,” the top 3 results are:  rapist Brock “Two Fingers” Turner, Brock “What Do You Mean Steroids?” Lesnar, and Brock “I’m Making $2M More This Year Than Cutler” Osweiler.  After turning a 4-year tour backing up Peyton Manning into $72M, Osweiler has now beaten the Bears twice in his first 8 NFL starts.  And right now, I can’t decide which is worse – facing Osweiler backed by a strong defense, facing Lesnar in a UFC cage, or facing Turner behind a dumpster after drinking a bottle of Jägermeister.  But like most of Chicago today, it feels like I got all three.

Osweiler taunts Bear defense:  “That’s $2M more than Jay.”

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Up until a couple days ago, there was little to be excited about for the 2016-17 Chicago Bears season.  Sure, we made a few big defensive acquisitions, but every team has a draft and makes offseason moves.  And ours just weren’t enough to rev my Bear Nation engine.  That is, until yesterday when the Bears finally cut our worst player, Robbie “Wide Left” Gould.  And they did it without another kicker on our roster, which is kind of like putting an “F U” on his pink slip.  And if you ask me, it’s not only appropriate, but I think it’s a pretty solid tactic.

Gould will probably miss the Bourbonnais water tower most –
it’s the only thing he could see or hit during training camp

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